Who is BU, my friend or her ex?

(44 Posts)
IveGotCheese Mon 19-Sep-16 16:02:22

Posting for a friend.

My friend's ex hasn't seen their two boys (10 and 8) for 8 months now. They have been split up for 4 years now and he saw them regularly and then one day after an argument over him treating the child he had with the OW better than his boys, he said he couldn't cope with her anymore and just stopped seeing them.

She received financial help in dribs and drabs when he 'could afford it' and never went to the CMS. He had agreed to pay her £100 for both boys but rarely actually gave her that amount and missed a lot of months. After 4 months of him not seeing them she decided to go to the CMS and they calculated that he should be paying £230 a month.

Anyway suddenly he is saying he will only start seeing the boys if she stops the CM. He phoned the youngest boy on his birthday and told him that their mum had stopped him seeing them which of course was a total lie but the boys now blame my friend and she feels awful. She hasn't done anything wrong apart from perhaps confront him when he was being a crap father and leaving the boys out etc. He is the one who has walked away and she has tried to get him to see the boys but he blocked her number.

His mum is on his side and phoned my friend the other day to say how ridiculous it all was and that my friend was putting money before the boys and if she just stopped the CM then the boys could see their dad. She made out my friend was the bad one in all this.

She is stressed out and is considering closing the case with the CMS to ensure the boys see their dad but personally I think he is just using the CM as an excuse and have advised her not to give into him. He is legally required to pay for them whether he sees them or not and I don't think it's fair she is being made to feel like a money grabber for getting what she is entitled to.

She has told him that if he starts seeing the boys again and having them overnight then she will adjust the CM but he refuses this and says he will wait for a letter to say it's stopped before he starts seeing the boys.

I am biased because she is my friend so I am obviously on her side but she would like an outsiders point of view. Who is BU? Any advice for her?

He is being a manipulative twunt but it's a hard one.

Starryeyed16 Mon 19-Sep-16 16:06:18

What a prized prick I wouldn't stop the money if the kids aren't good enough to support then he can go without seeing them as if he's trying to emotionally blackmail her and for his mother it says where his attitude comes from does it.

NeedsAsockamnesty Mon 19-Sep-16 16:06:42

It's a bit obvious she's not. He's being a deadbeat. But why us she bothered if he sees them? He sounds like the sort of person you works be relieved to get far away from!

Lovewineandchocs Mon 19-Sep-16 16:08:20

I think she should pursue the maintenance and not give in to the manipulative bastard's demands. I doubt he'd keep his promises to see the DC anyway and she shouldn't be held to ransom like that. I'm sure there must be a way of demonstrating to her kids that she isn't the one stopping contact and that she'd have no problem with them seeing him.

Yes he is being totally unreasonable. However if she insists on him paying her children will miss out. (No loss as far as I'm concerned, though I'm sure the best thing for them is to see them.)

Are there professionals out there that can help ie mediators? He needs to see how unreasonable he is being but I really don't think any length of discussion with your friend alone will make him see this. I suppose to many emotions flying about. Especially as his mother is supporting this shock

needsahalo Mon 19-Sep-16 16:14:11

No, she's not wrong. I would advise her long term to keep texts emails etc that say all this. The children are not bargaining chips. He has a responsibility to both see them and pay for them. This is his choice, not hers.

IveGotCheese Mon 19-Sep-16 16:15:00

NeedsAsockamnesty it's because she feels awful for the boys who miss their dad and they keep asking when they can see him

Lovewineandchocs that's exactly what I said about doubting he will see them. I think he is hoping she closes the case and then can't reopen it again so he will not have to pay and can still get away with not seeing them.

JaniceBattersby Mon 19-Sep-16 16:15:05

He doesn't give a shit about his kids. If he did, he would pay the CM to ensure they are clothed, fed and have a roof over their heads. My guess is that he'll let her stop the CM then still continue to not see the kids. If he really wanted to see them he'd be fighting to do so.

mypropertea Mon 19-Sep-16 16:16:24

I would keep going through the cms. I would also send him an email saying if he sees the boys every week for two months I will stop the cms case. I would copy in the x's mum and tell her she can see the boys whenever. I would then keep the email and any reply so that in the future (when they are older and ask about what happened) the boys can see she was fair and there dad is a cunt.

IveGotCheese Mon 19-Sep-16 16:20:52

JaniceBattersby agree 100%

mypropertea I told her to email him or write a letter saying similar so she has proof. His mum still sees the boys and has them overnight sometimes but he steers clear when she has them hmm

rookiemere Mon 19-Sep-16 16:25:23

I can't believe his DM is doing this on his behalf. It seems from here that the vast majority of ExHs behave like prize twunts but as a gran does she honestly believe that her DS has no moral obligation to financially support his own DCs in any way at all.

Just horrible that people ( by which I mean him) can behave and think like that. Surely whatever the financial situation a DF wants to see his DCs.

titchy Mon 19-Sep-16 16:25:56

So effectively he wants her to pay him £230 a month to see his kids?

If his mother sounds off again ask her if she thinks he genuinely wants to see them and if she thinks he does why on earth doesn't he? She knows really...

Arfarfanarf Mon 19-Sep-16 16:26:22

He clearly does not love his children even one little bit.
He should pay for them. He wont do it willingly, he cares nothing for their needs, so she should keep the case open.

She can explain in an appropriate way how sometimes a person isnt able to be a good parent. Or something. Probably best get good advice on that.

But he doesnt love his kids and wont stickbtota plan to see them, he just doesnt want to pay.

He should be ashamed of himself and his mother should be ashamed to support his view.

Gizlotsmum Mon 19-Sep-16 16:29:05

He's the one using money to not see his children. He is a lowlife to say that she is stopping contact to his sons. Don't let her drop the case. He won't see them either way.. at least with the money she can afford to treat them

ThatStewie Mon 19-Sep-16 16:30:31

She needs to stay with CMS. He doesn't love the boys. If he did, he'd move heaven and earth to support them and see them.

Fishface77 Mon 19-Sep-16 16:31:27

It doesn't sound likes he's a great loss to be honest!
They are both two seperate issues. She isn't witholding contact because he hasn't paid, he doesn't want to pay so he won't see them!
If this was reversed she would be told it's not pay per view!
He Should pay for his kids. If he doesn't want to see them because he doesn't want to pay then that's up to him and she needs to tell the DC in a child friendly way!
She certainly shouldn't drop the case!

lalalalyra Mon 19-Sep-16 16:32:28

What's he going to use for his next emotional blackmail? Because there will be one. He clearly isn't interested in his children, but wants to make it her fault. No matter what she does he will always try and make it her fault.

I'd bet good money that if she drops the CM claim then she'll suddenly be wanting him to take them on the wrong days, or being too demnading, or not giving him enough clothes or notice or anything else he can think of that means it's still her fault...

OftenWondering Mon 19-Sep-16 16:33:33

Fuck that! No way should she stop the CMS. He has to pay for his kids, and if he is seriously saying he won't see them if she doesn't stop the claim then it's him that is the arsehole. It doesn't help right now but the kids will see it for what it is in the future.
If she says every week for 2 months then she'll stop it then you can bet as soon as she stops it he will stop paying and seeing the kids, then she's fucked not being able to reopen the case.

HerOtherHalf Mon 19-Sep-16 16:35:57

It doesn't sound like he gives a shit about his kids so how can she expect him to follow through on his promise to start and continue to see them? As to her being a money grabber, it's not really her money, it's the kids and they are entitle to it. IMHO there should be no question that she should keep the CM in place, tell his mother to keep her nose out and tell him that it's entirely up to him if he wants to be a proper father or not.

LadyConstanceDeCoverlet Mon 19-Sep-16 16:35:58

I'm quite sure that if she stopped CM he wouldn't see the boys any more than he does now. She should definitely ignore him and explain to the boys that the only person stopping them seeing their father is him.

LemonSqueezy0 Mon 19-Sep-16 16:40:15

He sounds very controlling and self serving. I think go through the CMS but make it clear he is still able to see the boys and build a relationship. Every time you communicate, do so in writing and continually show that you (she)is being reasonable. Be prepared for him to leave his job, plead poverty etc. As it sounds like with him money talks...

M0nstersinthecl0set Mon 19-Sep-16 16:41:55

Pursue maintenance. As someone who thinks his time is all his kids need is doing a remarkable job of not giving any (pushing for access has a legal option as does the financial side).
He wants to blackmail her into getti g out of his legal/moral obligation towards his children. He's hardly a loving father figure in this. Push the finance as that seems to be all he has to give as a positive. Tell the ex MIL it's just the law.

Mummyoflittledragon Mon 19-Sep-16 16:54:00

If she stops cms, odds on the children won't see him for dust.

What an arrogant prick. Tell your friend her children are worth more and if their father paid, he'd gladly pay.

Looks like your friend was right when she complained he treated his child from his current partner differently.

Children aren't pawns.

Hidingtonothing Mon 19-Sep-16 17:03:24

She shouldn't drop the CMS case or promise to do so if he starts seeing them again. Being a parent means supporting your DC both financially and by being in their lives and he should be doing both. Your friend should carry on with the CMS case and make the DC available for contact with him, the rest is up to him. The DC are of an age where I would tell the the (age appropriate) truth about the situation, that being a good parent means supporting your children and that he is legally and morally in the wrong for not doing so, that she has made it abundantly clear that she wants him to have contact with them and he is choosing not to. She needs to tell them that what he told the youngest on the phone isn't true and that she is doing everything she can to encourage their dad to support them and be in their lives but that she cannot control what he chooses to do. Much as we want to protect our children I don't think it's right or fair or reasonable when the parent who is trying to do right by their DC has to make excuses for the one who isn't, the DC will realise the truth as they get older anyway so trying to shield them from the fact that he isn't doing right by them will only mean more disappointment down the line. He is using your friends' concern for her DC against her for his own financial gain without a care for how much he hurts his own DC in the process, no loss indeed. Oh and if his DM contacts your friend again she needs to tell her that it's her DS who is putting money before his DC, what kind of father only sees his children so long as he doesn't have to pay for them?!!!

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