To be fed up with dh doing zero parenting?

(28 Posts)
Huishnish Sat 17-Sep-16 21:57:12

We've got two ds, 23 months and 5 months and I'm fed up doing EVERYTHING myself. Ds2 is ebf and up a fair few times in the night so I do all the night wakings. I also deal with toddler when he wakes in the night. DH sleeps in the spare room. For a while DH would get up with the baby in the morning if he woke up early but he's recently stopped doing even that. He's away with work alot (not his fault I know) but having worked solidly for the last 3 weeks (not a single day with us) he is going to a fucking wedding on his own next weekend- no children allowed. I'm just at the end of my patience with the whole thing. I do all the bills and financial stuff, washing, grocery shopping. I could count on one hand the number of times in the last 5 months he's taken both of them so I could have a sleep or do something for myself. He seems to think I make a mountain out of a molehill when I say how hard it is looking after the 2 boys on my own 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Plus we've just moved to a new area for his job so have left behind all my friends. Sorry for the rant. Just sick of it all at the moment. Feel like running away and never coming back if I didn't love the wee ones so much

justpeachy74 Sat 17-Sep-16 22:12:40

Rant away OP. You have my empathy. I feel the same some days. It's very frustrating and exhausting.

Have you spoken to him about it?

JellyBelli Sat 17-Sep-16 22:14:13

Wait, what - why cant you get a babysitter and both go to the wedding?

positivity123 Sat 17-Sep-16 22:15:34

What are his redeeming features? He sounds awful?

Huishnish Sat 17-Sep-16 22:17:53

Ds2 won't have a bottle so I can't go. It's not for want of trying but there's another thing DH has done fuck all to help with. Yes have spoken about it a few times but he's so stressed out with work feels like he doesn't have time or energy to 'help'

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Sat 17-Sep-16 22:19:00

I hope you aren't doing his washing /cooking etc?

MistressDeeCee Sat 17-Sep-16 22:23:08

He sounds as if he's checked out of family life. Having a job outside the home is not an excuse to get away from and opt out of family life. Judging from the number of times I see a similar issue discussed on MN, it seems that men like this believe that because they are paying the bills they are entitled to do what they like.Or not, as the case may be

I don't know what to suggest as you've already spoken to him and he says you are making a mountain out of a molehill

I remember a guy I worked with years ago who was never ever seen with his wife, not at work do's in fact any social do's. Someone joked his wife & kids must be holograms and he said "well I do my bit so she's ok I've just had wall to wall carpet fitted throughout house and we've a new car" something along those lines.

He really couldn't understand why people thought he was out of order for standing around with us in the pub, saying that. The DCs were under 5s he spent no time with them at all. I think these men are bored of family life with young DCs to be honest. Perhaps it gets better further down the line as the DCs grow and become a bit more independent

You have my sympathy OP, is there anyone close to you both but fairly neutral who could instigate a conversation around this at all? flowers

sentia Sat 17-Sep-16 22:23:58

He's going to a wedding without you when he hasn't spent any time with you for 3 whole weeks?? And he thinks this is ok hmm

I'd sit him down and have a very sincere heart to heart chat with him about priorities. For both of you. And talk as a couple about what you both want, because you sound like two ships passing in the night at the moment, both enormously stressed, it can't be sustainable.

Huishnish Sat 17-Sep-16 22:24:54

He will cook for us on the rare occasions he's home in the evening but I do all his washing and pick his dirty things off the floor. Just read in someone else's post that their DH had run them a bath and poured wine for when they got the baby down. Suddenly having a pathetic attack of feeling sorry for myself...

Iflyaway Sat 17-Sep-16 22:33:17

Well, this is how it's going to be. He has shown you how he is.

How long are you willing to put up with a grown child at home...

Plus we've just moved to a new area for his job so have left behind all my friends.

God love you. But you have to look inside yourself why you let all this happen....

You are the director of your own life. A few years down the line when the kids are a bit older you can take that direction. Best to get your ducks in a row now in your mind for when that time comes.

He sounds awful by the way. Why would you shackle yourself to someone who does not have your best interests at heart (and your kids).

I speak as a single mum of 25 years. (from 6 months on)... Best.Thing.Ever. (When dad has checked out).

Never easy. Always worth it.

My heart goes out to you.

blueturtle6 Sat 17-Sep-16 22:36:03

Get up before him one morning, feed the baby, and go out for a few hours. Leave him to understand what its like, tough leaving little ones but you need to have your free time too.

Raaaaaah Sat 17-Sep-16 22:38:08

You have my every sympathy. My DP is exactly the same. We have so many arguments about the division of labour in our household but nothing changes. We have three DC and the only thing that gets me through at the moment is knowing that it gets easier and the dynamic becomes fairer as they get older. It does cause huge amounts of resentment on my part though. I look at women with partners who actively parent and blimey there is a difference. I am not sure that you can change someone and make them more interested in parenting. I have really tried as I don't fit the put upon housewife mould at all.

Lorelei76 Sat 17-Sep-16 22:57:16

Don't launder what he dumps on the floor. I get that you don't want to fall over it but just don't launder it, he needs to do it.

Also I don't think he should go to the wedding, he should be taking the older DC out. He's probably just seeing it as a jolly.

Benedikte2 Sat 17-Sep-16 22:58:31

Don't think they realise their behaviour ends up killing the love you have for them. When it reaches the point where you feel lonely in the marriage/relationship and it's like just having an extra kid to 'do' for , then there's nothing to lose and everything to gain by ending it all. At least by yourself you don't have to cater for him, can eat when you feel like it, make decisions and parent etc without arguments. I felt only relief.
Good luck OP

sharond101 Sat 17-Sep-16 23:15:05

I empathise with you as go through similar with my dh who has chronic pain and refuses to help in many ways I believe he could. This leaves me resentful and so uptight I fail to see any of the things he does do to help. Talk to him about it and let him know how you feel but don't be precious. Let him help in any way he can and don't put obstacles in the way. He may feel his contribution is being out at work and that it ends there. Make it a team effort.
We had a child free wedding when dd was exactly 5 months old. She has a dairy allergy, wouldnt take a bottle and ebf. I thought I wouldn't be able to go and we went down the route of dh going alone then I really thought about it and realised lifes too short and all I was doing was trying to make a point. It was difficult but it worked. I fed the baby before we left then after the ceremony nipped home and fed again. After the meal my Mum brought dd to me and I fed her again. Mum put her down to sleep at home and all was well.
As for helping out I've found it easier to work around things dh enjoys doing and praise the efforts. For example he is happy to take the children to the park and talk to the other parents there so I let him go and I tidy up, do the dishes etc rather than nag at him for hours about him not helping with the dishes.
Take time for you also and you will feel better. Find a time you will be able to stick to and set it aside for you and do something that you enjoy and makes you feel good. Go for a run, swim, read a book in a coffee shop, get your nails done. Don't cancel because your ds hasn't had a nap or is due a feed or is needing changed or is teething. Treat it like an appointment and leave then return in an hour and after a while you'll feel in better control and your dh will be used to this happening and be used to taking the responsibility even if only for that hour.

HelenaDove Sun 18-Sep-16 00:23:59

sharon i could not micro manage someone to that extent. My fanjo would slowly close up every time i looked at him.

And i didnt fail to notice that when you went to that wedding it was you and your mum , the women doing all the running around with the baby.

OP your H is a selfish tosser. Dont be picking up this disrespectful twunts things off the floor. You are not the maid.

Blueskyrain Sun 18-Sep-16 00:26:07

What sort of hours does he work?

ClopySow Sun 18-Sep-16 01:59:40

Sharon are you serious?

cutspujumas Sun 18-Sep-16 02:10:14

I'm in the same boat as you OP. Got a toddler and a baby. Constantly flabbergasted that DH has never offered me a moment - even a quick lie down - without both DC. Has seen me back breakinfly tired and ill, has watched me and the DC all go down with a bug and just carried on with his plans whatever they are.

And worst of all he thinks he is dad of the year. I hear him saying things to people like "no one loves their DC like I do. I'm a hands on dad. I hate these dads who never see their kids."

I stand there thinking WTF? And you know when someone so strongly wants to believe something about themselves it is hard to tell them any different. Anything I have said about the truth of the matter has gone down really badly and is met with lots of insistence that I take back what I said and how ungrateful I am for how hard he works and it's not his fault that he's the one who works and I stay home with the DC.

MIL even told me my situation was just like "every other woman's" and I should put up and shut up.

If I did actually decide to leave the worst part would be the absolute disbelief and denial on DH's part as he is utterly convinced we do 40/60 childcare!!!

So apologies, no advice, but just telling you it is not uncommon. I'm not going to leave but I'm certainly not having anymore children (I didn't plan on feeling like a single mum), and I just live in hope it'll change as they get older.

HelenaDove Sun 18-Sep-16 02:23:12

cuts it sounds like hes auditioning for F4J hmm

HelenaDove Sun 18-Sep-16 02:24:37

cuts................so if he was single and had no kids he wouldnt be working then. What utter utter shit.

Superstar90 Sun 18-Sep-16 02:35:24

You have my sympathy op. I'm in similar boat - sick as a dog with the flu and still the one up all night with a teething baby. My Dd used to take a bottle in hospital but has stopped now due to DH never ever trying to do a feed with it. Then he has nerve to go on about how I've chosen to bf and make life hard for myself!! If we were bottling feeding I'd be doing it all too! In 3.5 years DH hasn't done one night wake up...

Superstar90 Sun 18-Sep-16 02:38:22

Ps I sympathise as well re weddings - people have right for their wedding to be child free but there's a def lack of understanding that u can't just leave a bf baby! Fact he is should have declined to go too.

Superstar90 Sun 18-Sep-16 02:44:21

Ps book a weekend to go and stay with some of your old friends - take your DS but leave behind the toddler for some 'daddy bonding time' aka 'see how hard it is time'. A weekend should be enough for him to appreciate life without you and when u get back go on about how easy he must have had it with just one!

Superstar90 Sun 18-Sep-16 03:05:55

Pps to give him some credit if he's just moved jobs he must be pretty stressed and providing financially for two young babas can stress some guys out too. Can u afford to put your older DC into nursery a few hours a week get a break in the day at all? No way I could cope without my older one doing 3 days a week at nursery tho appreciate that's a luxury not everyone can afford

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