To ask if you've ever come back from NC?

(9 Posts)
judybloomno5 Sat 17-Sep-16 13:46:15

And rectified any problems?

We are potentially going no contact with ILs for the reason that we are sick of being excluded from everything they do anyway. They exclude my DH and DDs from all family events anyway (we don't know why but I suspect they've taken offence to something we've said) and my DH is going to confront his DF and potentially go NC. It breaks all of our hearts but we just can't do it anymore.

Has anyone had a situation where they've gone NC and in a couple of years time they've made amends or is it wishful thinking on my part?

I lost my DF earlier this year and have just had another DC (that everyone in DHs family have ignored) I don't have a lot of family so feel very sad for DC

Bearfrills Sat 17-Sep-16 13:58:40

We went NC with MIL for various reasons when DS1 was little. We had DD during this NC time and she was 3mo at Christmas. My DM asked me if I was going to let MIL see the DC, DM had been NC with her own mum for a while (before I was born) and even though they made up and stayed made up she always regretted the time lost because you can't get that time back. So, full of hormones and Christmas booze cheer, I decided to let MIL see the DC. DH was fine with it but stipulated that he himself still wanted absolutely nothing to do with her so I needed to facilitate all contact.

Things started out fine. She seemed to have really changed. Seemed to have. Things very quickly deteriorated and she was back to her old ways within months, but because I'm a stupid idiot who wants to see the best in people I hung on in there and I gave her chance after chance. Finally, two years after regaining contact I had enough. There was an incident and it was the straw that broke the camel's back. I literally closed my front door in her face and we haven't had contact since, three years and counting now. I doubt she will ever get another chance and I regret reinstating contact because it allowed her to carry on her bullshit.

Going NC isn't an easy decision but sometimes it's the only way to protect yourself (and your DC) from toxic people.

TaterTots Sat 17-Sep-16 14:00:47

It all sounds a bit over-dramatic to be honest. You talk about 'considering going NC' as if you're going to hold a press conference to announce your decision. Yet you claim these are people who virtually ignore you anyway. Won't a big declaration that you're not longer going to speak to them simply be taken as a cry for attention? And if you're being honest, isn't that what it is?

Just stop making the effort, without all the drama of 'going NC'. It will put the ball in their court for a change.

GrumpyInsomniac Sat 17-Sep-16 14:07:21

I went NC with my father because he was bad for my mental health, as was, to an extent, my step mum, and after 20 odd years of this is was just too much.

My DH eventually suggested I write a letter to just get things out in the open. I wrote a first draft, but it was so painful to do that I kept putting off the editing. DH claimed he didn't realise it wasn't to be sent as was and sent the thing in all its hideously nasty glory.

Eventually Dad and I met up for a coffee and chat on neutral territory. He acknowledged the truth of much of what was said in the letter, however hard it was for him to read it. And we've now got a relationship of sorts. We're no longer on eggshells around each other and are finally managing to build something more positive for the future.

A lot depends on the people involved, though. My father genuinely wanted to work things out and was prepared to engage in the process when I was ready. I was prepared to be NC for the rest of my life barring arrangements for him to see his grandchild, but I'm glad we were able to work through it.

If I have any advice to give, it's to try and find out why they're behaving the way they are. So much of why stuff goes down hill is because people surmise or make assumptions or project, when just trying to have a conversation to check out what the other person is really feeling can cut a misunderstanding dead. Its not easy to do, but I confess I abuse my BPD diagnosis to say "I'm sorry, this may be just me, and I'm sure you didn't intend this, but when you did/said x, it made me feel y, and i wanted to try and understand better what you meant".

In most cases, this makes people stop to think, especially if you use a gentle tone of voice. And I've found I have better friendships and family relationships for being prepared to ask. Oddly, the curse of my BPD has been a blessing in this regard.

You say in the OP that you think the problem is something that was said. I think that unless you can find a way to address this and lay it to rest, it will be impossible to come back from, now or in a couple of years. Only you know the circumstances and whether it's worth trying to extend an olive branch. If they're usually good people who you had a decent relationship with in the past, it may be worth a shot. But if they were toxic before this, you're probably not losing much anyway. But if your DH goes into the conversation with his father thinking of it as a confrontation, it's not likely to end well.

judybloomno5 Sat 17-Sep-16 14:12:16

Tatertots- they all meet up and don't invite us, they have come to our DDs birthday party and christening though blanked me all the way through it. Think DH was hoping to find out why from his DF and if he wasn't willing to tell him then to stop making contact.

I'm NC from a close relative after the second attempt, once again, went very wrong. There isn't going to be a third chance given.

I went NC with my Mother, during my second pregnancy, then limited contact. After my third pregnancy, after challenging her, as soon as something happened, my children could have a relationship with her. Our relationship was a reciprocal one.

It depends on the issues.

""I'm sorry, this may be just me, and I'm sure you didn't intend this, but when you did/said x, it made me feel y, and i wanted to try and understand better what you meant".""

The problem with that wording is that someone who is abusive or very manipulative, will tell you that it is your perception and it's your own issues that make you feel y.

Sometimes it's about being honest about what you can expect of each other, if you feel excluded, then you can decide if what is being offered is enough, or if it's best to go NC.

GrumpyInsomniac Sat 17-Sep-16 16:27:56

birds I take your point, but I use it as an opener that doesn't threaten the other person: for an emotive topic then, assuming the other party isn't a complete arse, being prepared to show you're open to discussion as opposed to reiterating an entrenched position can be more constructive than just going in and challenging someone. Fact is, if I'm upset, it may or may not be that I've got the wrong end of the stick. Surely better to be aware of one's own fallibility?

That said, how someone responds to the approach can also serve to form a decision on the relationship moving forward. I've only ever had one person try to abuse it, and it was so blatant I laughed in her face. Needless to say, she's an ex-friend, but it did at least bring clarity.

MargotFenring Sat 17-Sep-16 17:56:46

We have been NC with ILs on two occasions now, both times as a result of me/DH calling them on their bullshit. We were NC for two years the last time - they did not acknowledge or attend our wedding.

When my DH got sick last year - life threateningly sick, I called his DM and told her. They have been back in our lives since that time and there has been no discussion of the past - we are all at an unspoken sbd awkward truce.

The positive is that our DS is developing a good relationship with them. We have awkward goodbyes where they hug/kiss DH and DS and I stand to one side and nod my good bye. There is no love between us but they are trying with DH and avoiding behaviour that in the past has led to fall outs, so we carry on.

JJbum Sat 17-Sep-16 19:04:34

I have.

Before my husband and I got married, there was some toxic behaviour from my in-laws towards me. This continued on our wedding day. I got an apology but didn't really have anything to do with them after that. I didn't make an announcement or anything, just stopped contact. I supported my husband maintaining his relationship with them. He chose to maintain contact but at a distance. When we had our first dc the ice thawed and we've had a good relationship ever since.

I have had brief periods of nc with my own parents. Favouritism towards their own children, spilled over into how they treat their GC. I am the least favourite child. They don't see it this way and deny having favourites but their behaviour says otherwise. It is quite blatant. My siblings are aware of this, and are baffled by it so I don't blame them. When this favouritism became direct comparisons between GC, refusals to see or spend time with my children and downright scathing and quite nasty treatment of my children, I had enough. One of my DC was starting to notice and had been really upset on a few occasions. I tried discussing this with my parents. I got nowhere. 98% of communication and 100% of any visits had been initiated by me. So I just stopped. I decided if they noticed/and or cared enough they'd pick up the phone to call me. Long story short, they didn't really notice or care. One of my siblings said something eventually and my parents then started to contact me and slowly the relationship was re-built. The favouritism is still there, it's too ingrained not to be, but it is no longer so blatant or so toxic.

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