To think that some people lack empathy

(8 Posts)
thestarryeyedsurprise Fri 16-Sep-16 19:16:51

Probably the worst place to post but here goes..

In February, my older DSIS passed away from cancer. It's the hardest thing I ever been through in my life, and to be honest as time goes on, I'm finding it harder. I have a toddler and at the moment, I struggle to leave the house, I'm very depressed, I don't sleep etc..

In May my best friends MIL was diagnosed with cancer. I wanted to support my friend so I was there for her the whole way through, the calls, texts everything. I supported her. Even when she asked me what to expect and very difficult questions, I answered them, and every time I relived what happened to my sister. It was only last week after her MIL passing, my friend text and said thank you and it must of been so hard to support her considering everything I have been through..

Fast forward to this evening.. I have just received a message from a girl I went to school with, we really didn't get along, grew up in the same village etc. She has just messaged me telling me her mother only has 3 weeks to live and she has no one else to turn to, but she is messaging me because I have been through it recently and she wants my support and advice. She's asking me how my sister deteriorated and what should she look out for at the end etc.. I have responded offering my sympathies and she is messaging me back trying to engage in conversations about it. Again I feel like this puts me steps back in terms of my MH. I want to support her as I know how hard it is.. But I feel like I can't do it again. My DP doesn't think it's right for me to engage as he's seen how much I have suffered and still am. I just don't know what to do.

unimagmative13 Fri 16-Sep-16 19:21:20

I wouldn't say this was a lack of empathy, just insensitive. Your right not to engage, I've lost a sibling and if be mortified if I got any messages like that. There are people in the world who feel like 'they need to stick together '. Too soon, too much.

Brokenbiscuit Fri 16-Sep-16 19:33:33

Not necessarily a lack of empathy. She is just too wrapped up in her own grief to be able to think about yours.

I really feel for you both tbh, but I think you need to put your own health and wellbeing first, so if you feel that you can't extend yourself to help her right now, then that's just how it is. Is there anywhere else you could encourage her to go to seek support?

flowers I'm so sorry about your DSis by the way.

I'm so sorry about your DSis flowers if it is putting you in a bad place emotionally, it is ok to be honest and tell her that it is just still too raw for you at the moment.

Maybe one day you will be in a place to share without hurting yourself but it hasn't even been a year yet.

justilou Fri 16-Sep-16 19:48:30

I don't think it would be out of line to message back and let her know you're sorry, mention some support groups and let her know that you're grieving at the moment and simply don't have the energy or mental space to relive it again at the moment. Sure she'll understand.

thestarryeyedsurprise Fri 16-Sep-16 20:42:51

Thanks for your messages, you're all right empathy is the wrong word, it's more insensitive.

I have directed her to our local hospice counselling. I wish I could help, I just feel like I'm getting no where dealing with my own grief but then I feel guilty that I can't help her.

CombineBananaFister Fri 16-Sep-16 20:51:04

It's probably more fear and desperation than lack of empathy tbh. You've had a rough time though and it's okay to say you can't help her as you are stills sorting out your own grief, it's not selfish, it's just trying to survive it. Doing what you've done is draining and hard, it's ok to try and recouperate yourself flowers

IonaNE Fri 16-Sep-16 21:41:46

Sorry about your DSIS.
You can't blame people for asking for support. You can, however, at any time, say 'no'.

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