Me versus them couples

(65 Posts)
witharmswideopen Fri 16-Sep-16 16:55:47

couples that keep score and try to 'get one over' on each other? For example doing the shopping and taking an extra few hours to get a coffee for themselves. Nothing wrong with that all but it's done with the pretence that "well OH stayed out later than said on Tuesday night". Or deliberately turning off their phone when they are out and know one of their DC is poorly with the attitude 'oh well i did the last sickness so OH can deal with it this time'. Being deliberately late home from appointments when they know their OH has something planned for the day and then being late means they'll miss it.

All really small things but done with such a me versus them attitude. To me it's just petty and would do my nut in having to keep track of all the slights and work out how I'll get them back.

formerbabe Fri 16-Sep-16 17:00:07

I don't know anyone like this!

phillipp Fri 16-Sep-16 17:01:25

I agree.

I know one of these couples. The wife keeps score of everything. Down to the minute. Somewhere along the line he started doing it too.

Then they argue because he will go do the supermarket shop (she hates it ) so he argues that's not free time, that's doing a household job that she refuses to do.

One goes out, the other must. It came to a head when he couldn't visit his grandfather in the hospital when he was dying, because she had planned to get her 2 hours back and wouldn't change it.

It's ripping their marriage apart.

I think it's important to have the opportunity for equal down time. But roughly not exact. I think when it becomes a competition it's unhealthy.

SleepDeprivedAndCranky Fri 16-Sep-16 17:04:16

I don't know anyone like this especially if there is a sick child at home

gamerwidow Fri 16-Sep-16 17:05:46

I don't anyone who does this but it sounds exhausting.

irelephant Fri 16-Sep-16 17:08:12

We don't do this exactly. Say if DH has a lie in then I will have a nap on the afternoon rock and roll I know.

They are his stepchildren so we end up with free time weekends when they go too various fathers. Even if they didn't I don't think we'd be that petty especially not with ill children or other family members that's really sad.

mooimevrouw Fri 16-Sep-16 17:08:46

Ah yes! The tit-for-tat couple!
I only know one couple like this and their relationship is exhausting to watch!
The other two couples I knew like this are now divorced.

Laiste Fri 16-Sep-16 17:15:08

Ah our old neighbors were a bit like this well she was at least.

Not so much with time, but definitly with money. It was him vs her in her eyes all the time. She'd say something like ''oh we're totally broke this week, can't put petrol in the car''. I'd say oh shit, or something, and she'd say ''well - he got his weekend away so yesterday i splurged on new hair cut/coat/spa day i've wanted for ages. It's only fair''.

hmm Aaaaand you've left yourself broke because 'it's only fair' ...?

PeteHornberger Fri 16-Sep-16 17:28:54

A friend of mine can be like this, not to the extent of some mentioned on the thread but keeps score of money spent on the other and free time.

However, her husband has a lot of hobbies, works long hours and often goes out to see his friends, so I suspect she sometimes needs to keep a track of things to ensure she has some free time too.

It looks exhausting.

Snowflakes1122 Fri 16-Sep-16 17:33:04

Sounds exhausting and a horrible way to live!

blueturtle6 Fri 16-Sep-16 17:37:36

shockat turning phone off when dc is ill! I get having kids is exhausting but if going to that extent to avoid makes me question why they had children...

witharmswideopen Fri 16-Sep-16 17:37:44

Anytime we plan something it's done to get maximum time out of it. So say a lunch out will be oh great let's make sure to take loads of time and have a potter around the shops because OH was out last night. Fine staying out or whatever but not for any other reason and certainly not to get one up on my OH.
The presumption is there that we do the same kind of thing.

Another example would be when a stalemate situation happens such as both want to do something on Saturday morning and have no one to mind DC. So one gets up and leaves the house super early and leaves finding childcare the other ones problem? Usually the DC will be brought to the grandparents and each will take extra long in whatever their doing so they don't have to collect them hmm

phillipp Fri 16-Sep-16 17:46:37

* but if going to that extent to avoid makes me question why they had children*

I think that about the couple I know. They spend all their time planning when they can next get out of having the kids.

SavageBeauty73 Fri 16-Sep-16 18:34:08

I don't know anyone like this.

Arfarfanarf Fri 16-Sep-16 19:21:49

Sounds exhausing, unloving and a bloody miserable way to exist.

yorkshapudding Fri 16-Sep-16 19:23:58

I don't know anyone like this either.

Sounds fucking awful.

augbd Fri 16-Sep-16 19:36:36

Bloody hell their poor children.

witharmswideopen Fri 16-Sep-16 19:55:41

They do go and do some stuff with the children but a lot of the time if invited places will say that the children won't remember anyway so what's the point? sad

Just wanted to see was I BU in thinking the one up manship is bizarre- seems it is!

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties Fri 16-Sep-16 20:06:55

How many couples do you know like this? They clearly hate each other.grin
How far does this tit for tat principle go? What if the husband accidentally dented her car? Would she take a hammer to his bonnet to balance things out?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties Fri 16-Sep-16 20:08:24

They seem to view spending time with their children as a punishment. How sad.

Crunchymum Fri 16-Sep-16 20:11:58

DP went away for a few days recently (first time he has been away overnight since before I go preganant the first time in May 2011) so it's a standing joke he owes me a two night break it's not a joke to me, as soon as DC2 is night weaned from boob I'm off for a weekend away

Other than that we've never, ever 'kept score' in our decade together.

annielouise Fri 16-Sep-16 20:13:04

So often the advice on here is if your DH has gone away for the weekend and is back an hour later than expected for you to book a spa day and leave him with the kids. Or disappear off to a hotel for the weekend.

wayway13 Fri 16-Sep-16 20:15:25

I literally don't know anyone like this!! They sound awful.

My DH goes out waaaay more than me. He's out at the pub right now (usual for a Fri) and is seeing friends tomorrow through the day (special occasion) which means I'll have DD on my own. He's also just back from a week-long stag do. I don't really like being away from DD much and maybe meet friends for dinner once a month which suits me fine. I'd never say "you owe me x hours". I'd NEVER turn my phone off, especially if DD was poorly. I probably wouldn't go out if she was poorly tbh. Who TF are these people??

Also, omfg at the stalemate OP!! One of them just buggers off?! Do they not care about their kids?

witharmswideopen Fri 16-Sep-16 20:20:42

They want another one too. But haven't been around each other at the right times as one of them is always out or otherwise engaged. confused

I'm not in their house so can't fully comment on what they do with their DC day in day out but looking in from the outside your right PP it does seem that they see spending time with DC as a form of punishment.

phillipp Fri 16-Sep-16 20:22:52

They want another one too.

I have an awful that we know the same couple! grin

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