To want to move my daughter into private education?

(65 Posts)
tryingtogetthroughlife Thu 15-Sep-16 04:18:53

Here's the back story, my Dd went to a fabulous infant/junior school she thrived there and was very happy, Dh got poached from a company so we moved and enrolled the kids into a new school also have a. Ds at school but we have 4 kids in total two not at school.
Ds is getting on really well but DD is struggling to adjust to the. New school it's a much larger school than she was at previously and has faced a lot of bullying.
Including threats of violence and actual violence I.e kicking being hit on the head.
She's happy with the work and is excelling and by all accounts a model pupil but is struggling with the other children. She's on her own at lunchtime as she doesn't feel able to approach these new kids.
I feel so bad for her especially as she sees Ds getting on so well with the other kids.
She is a gentle soul I've found an all girls private school and she's willing to move and is very happy of the idea.
But Dh says if Ds can't go to a private school then DD shouldn't go.
I'm torn he really likes he's new school and is very settled, he has ASD along with ADHD so I don't want to up heavel him again. DD wants to be a paediatrician I'm worried that if she carries on at this school she will loose her love for learning and just plod through the school years there. Would I be a terrible parent to send her? P.s sorry for the long post I didn't want to drip feed the information.

HulkSpiderParent Thu 15-Sep-16 04:30:11

I'd send her. Your son is thriving where he is. It seems unfair to let your dd be miserable. However I would say that private schools aren't the dream people would like you to believe.
How old is dd? Would you be able to afford to send both dc if your ds said he wanted private education as well?

tryingtogetthroughlife Thu 15-Sep-16 04:58:47

Thanks hulk for you're reply she's 9, it would be a stretch but we could manage it with cutting back.
I'm going on the fact it's an all girls school and a class of 9.
I want to send her I would enrol her today but Dh thinks I'm being unreasonable and that we would also have to enrol our other three kids into private school which we couldn't afford all four of them going.
We have about 3 years until the 3rd child goes to school and 4 and a half until the baby needs school.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad Thu 15-Sep-16 05:06:15

YANBU and neither are you are terrible parent. Your DH is being ridiculous - your poor daughter is suffering and that needs to be resolved and promptly - this is not about your son and decisions about what's best for your children should be dealt with on a case by case basis. What's right for one might not be right for another.

Chottie Thu 15-Sep-16 05:14:40

I would move her in a heartbeat. There is nothing worse when you are just nine years old and being bullied and left out of everything by mean girls at school......

It's not just about education - what about your DDs emotional wellbeing?

Panicmode1 Thu 15-Sep-16 05:27:58

If she's unhappy, then I would seriously consider moving her ( we had this dilemma last year, we too have four children, 3 of whom are v happy in state education). However, I would be wary of a class size of 9; it could be almost as difficult with such a tiny class as with a large one, especially if those 9 have been friends since reception. I turned down a gorgeous prep for my son which only had 10 children in the class, and instead had robust discussions with the school, who managed to get the bullying to stop, so I have left him where he is for now (at his request). If that is not the case for your DD, then I would look at alternatives, although with an eye on what your options are at secondary school. If you aren't sending her/them private for secondary,mill she end up back in school with the same children, which could be tricky. Good luck, I know what a horrible situation it is to be in.

Panicmode1 Thu 15-Sep-16 05:29:08

...will she end up with,.... (Not mill!)

VioletBam Thu 15-Sep-16 05:35:40

The only thing which would make me hesitate is what about if one of the other three DC have a bad time at some future point in THEIR education?

DS might be happy at the moment but who knows if he will be in 2, 3 or 4 years? We don't know...and then as you say, it's going to be a stretch to pay fees for DD...so you could not offer the same for the other 3.

SO you;d have one dd in private and potentially one or more unhappy but without the chance of private.

I also have to tell you that private school is no insurance against bullying.

AND as well as fees you will have to consider expensive classes and trips which all the others can take part in which your DD might not be able to take part in.

We sent one of ours privately till year 3 and then moved to state.

It was difficult being "the poor" family....DD would come home with tales of her mates' amazing skiing chalets or about how so and so has three ponies...can I have one?

I think you need to tackle the bullying through the school or look for another state school.

JoandMax Thu 15-Sep-16 05:40:06

Your poor DD, I'm very sorry she's having a hard time.

I definitely think moving her is a good idea, but I would also consider any other local state schools too. I don't think not sending your DS is a problem as he is happy and thriving where he is but so you don't have to disappoint any of the younger ones when they get to school age.

Would you be looking to send her just until end of primary so just 2 years? Or is it for secondary too so a lot longer to pay?!

mathanxiety Thu 15-Sep-16 06:04:26

YANBU but your DH is BVU.

You should choose the school that best fits each individual child's needs. It is right and fair to judge the merits of each school anew with each child. It's not a one size fits all, and there shouldn't be any space given to class warfare or other factors in a parent's head.

Just guessing at your DH's pov here, but imo no child should be forced to fit someone's ideological fixation or be some sort of pioneer just because a parent has certain beliefs about class or the education system or that surface level equality should always trump all other factors in families. If it isn't working for an individual child, then that is all that matters imo. It seems to be a perfectly congenial environment for your DS, and your DD deserves an equally congenial one for herself.

I know lots of families that have children in both public and private schools here (I am in the US). They chose what they felt would be a better fit for for individual children. I also know families that have taken children out of both private and public and sent them to the other option, depending on their experiences there, and two families that decided after seeing how oldest children fared to home ed the next two or three children for a few years.

Wellywife Thu 15-Sep-16 06:28:09

So your DH's opinion is that she can just lump it? Sorry but he's being very U. Agreed we never know what's round the corner but from what I've read on MN (so it must be right!) bullying is very difficult to tackle.

Nothing is enjoyable if you have an unhappy child day to day. At the moment she's your priority.

insideout2016 Thu 15-Sep-16 06:32:44

Having experienced a private school class of 9-10.....bullying or poor social interaction is very likely to happen here. It's just not big enough to cater for all different types of people and the social dynamics.

That said, I would move her to somewhere (but not the small private) if she was unhappy and the school had done everything they could to sort it out.

Nzou1050 Thu 15-Sep-16 06:50:59

I can't believe she is being physically assaulted and the school has not sorted it. Even if they get it to stop now she would still have to be with those children, which would be horrible for her.

I think it would absolutely be the right decision to move her. If your son is happy I think the best thing for him would be to stay at his current school.

As for it being unfair to send one private and not the others I think it depends on what you see as the advantages of private school. What is the state secondary like? As a pp said, maybe privately educating her could be short term until she's 11 if the local secondary is big enough that she would be away from these bullies there.

I have taught in both (secondary) and I don't feel that private is always an advantage and the automatically better option that some do. Obviously one of the big, prestigious ones i.e. Eton would give an advantage due to contacts/old boys network but in a run of the mill private school the only real advantage I can see would be class size. Academic children in good comprehensive schools do just as well IME.

greenfolder Thu 15-Sep-16 06:52:32

I moved dd to a small private school. It was a disaster! Too small really. You and Dh need to be on the same page
Rather than talking about the pros of a private school can you and Dh not look at the actual problem together and find the solution? Have you done everything possible with the new school? Are there other state schools locally that would be better? What is going to happen with secondary? I'm not against private school for one but you need to be clear about what you are buying for that cash.

HPandBaconSandwiches Thu 15-Sep-16 06:54:21

Have you been to the school and had a very serious discussion with the head about the bullying? Have you tried everything to resolve it?

If you've tried and the school aren't responding, I'd look for another state school. Moving to a private school with a class of 9 girls is very likely to be difficult to settle in to. These girls will already be in cliques and she will almost certainly feel left out at best. Also, as a pp mentioned, what if one of your younger children is bullied in the future?

Talk to the school, look for another state option, even if it means a drive. And consider getting your DD involved in a martial art, not to meet violence with violence, but to boost her confidence.

Sometimes running away is the only thing you can do, but your DD needs to see you raise merry hell with the school for allowing this to happen before you consider moving her.

Asskicker Thu 15-Sep-16 07:11:15

I can't believe she is being physically assaulted and the school has not sorted it.

I can. Dds school wouldn't do anything, so I moved her. Then the bully moves to Dds new school 6 months later.

The new school only did something when I called the police and the boy was charged with assault when they were in year 6. The police expressed their dismay that the school had allowed this. Then they did something about it.

Their secondary nipped it in the bud as he tried to intimidate her once, after they moved there. I reported it and the school police officer and the head teacher had him and his parents in and out a stop to it.

Op I don't know what the right answer is. There is always the chance your Ds will be unhappy in the future. Can you afford both?

I don't think she should remain there, but is private the only option?

I know several kids who went to private schools and bullying still happened.

lastqueenofscotland Thu 15-Sep-16 07:18:33

I'd be very wary of thinking it was the solution
A) private school is no barrier to bullying, I went to three - big state, small private, big private I was bullied at all three. I was a fat kid with glasses and really weird parents, I was an easy target.

B) I'd be so so careful of moving at a time she'll be the only new child, friendship groups will be formed already and there is a chance she'll end up left out by them too...

Headofthehive55 Thu 15-Sep-16 07:45:37

We had similar. Only my DD was older and it was secondary. We moved her to the local private school. Best thing ever, she was happy there.

Mine was injured one day (concussed) that I had to fetch her home but the boy who did it didn't even get excluded ( as apparently he was from a bad home situation and they didn't exclude as a school! )

As for your other children - don't worry they are happy. Deal with what ever happens now, sort that out later.

Eastpoint Thu 15-Sep-16 07:49:43

A class of 9 is way too small especially for a child who has already been bullied. She will end up shuffling between the loud queen bee group & the other quieter girls who have learned to stay out of their way. This sounds over dramatic but I don't believe that school is the solution. The school will try really hard to get you to move her there as it will make life much easier for them - pairs, 2 groups of 5 etc.

Hoppinggreen Thu 15-Sep-16 08:11:28

I'm not against Private Education it it's not the solution to every problem, in fact it creates them sometimes.
Added to that the fact that you have 3 other dc's and affording to send one is a stretch then I would say don't do it. There are trips, uniform etc to pay for as well.
We have DD at Private secondary and DS at state primary - we would only send DD there if it didn't impact the rest of the family re holidays etc. If you are going to have to cut back to pay for Private school then it's not fair on everyone else.

runslikethewind Thu 15-Sep-16 08:15:36

Moving schools is just geography imo, there is no guarantee that which ever school you put her in that she will gel with other kids. I wouldn't just presume private would be better either, she seems happy and bake on the academic side and with the right support could do well regardless.
Have you thought of other state schools in the area first? I honestly think that the social side can't be a sure thing anywhere no matter how highly respected the place if you don't fit you don't fit.
Hope you find a way of supporting her, and help her settle somehow.

BarbarianMum Thu 15-Sep-16 08:26:44

Your other 3 children are happy - now. What will you do if they're unhappy in the future? If the answer isn't "send them private too" then what would you do? Why not do that for your dd?

BombadierFritz Thu 15-Sep-16 08:29:40

all girls schools are the most bitchy places there are. dont send a sensitive child there!!

gymbummy Thu 15-Sep-16 09:12:09

I'm confused as to why the state school she is at and the private school are the only options? I was badly bullied in (state) secondary school, the school were utterly useless. I was moved to another state secondary school and it was fantastic. Take it from me - bullying has long term effects. Don't leave your daughter in a school that can't/won't put a stop to the bullying.

Going back 20 years, I was able to have a trial at the new school so I didn't have to decide immediately, but within one day I knew it was the right move. Instantly it was like a weight had been lifted and I have never ever regretted it.

Also, write to the chair of governors and put on record that they have failed in their duty of care to your daughter.

RedHelenB Thu 15-Sep-16 09:17:30

Have you gone into school and said how she's feeling? I can't believe any primary wouldn't pair her up with a buddy so she's not on her own.

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