To be utterly fed up with my life?

(18 Posts)
Babygym Wed 14-Sep-16 19:26:54

I'm coming to the end of my maternity leave.

The situation is dh earns around 45k, I was earning around 25k so when we had dc and I went part time, then when dc1 started school I went even more part time to fit around school (so earning more like 13k.

Now with dc2 here by the time we've paid for 2 in childcare it's not even worth me going back financially, in the short term (we will be out of pocket) I've grown to despise my job anyway and only stayed so long because it worked around dc1.

Dh is out the house from 7-7 most days, he has to work one weekend in four and often ends up swapping with colleagues (this suits us at times too), and he has to work away about 4-6 times a year.

I ferry dc1 to after school clubs 3 times a week. The baby is clingy and moans and shouts at me all day. Dh baths the baby if he's back in time, has a shower and falls asleep on the sofa most nights by 9pm snoring his head off.

Dh is happy for me to go back to work or stay at home.

I desperately want a career change but how can I around the dc and dhs hours? There's a couple of careers that really interest me but both are also shifts.

I know I chose this life but it's dawning on me that I've massively fucked up my chances of ever doing something I love. I've destined myself to being default childcare, cook, cleaner and all the rest.

I'm feeling resentful of dh even though it's not really his fault. He earned more so it just made sense.

Blerg Wed 14-Sep-16 19:30:39

I'm in a similar position with the reasons I went pt and DH didn't. It totally sucks. I'm not sure what I will do about it long term except keep looking for options.

Sorry that's not so helpful, but I understand and I think lots of women find themselves in this position.

MidMay Wed 14-Sep-16 19:37:39

Looking longer term, could you consider retraining once youngest DC in school/nursery. I did this (via evening school then Uni when both at school/after leaving old job) and successfully graduated in new career in my mid 40's. If you are considering healthcare (clue was shift work), be aware that it is not in the slightest family friendly.

QuiteLikely5 Wed 14-Sep-16 19:40:15

Night school? Distance learning/open university.

It's not as dead as you think plus you sound a bit harassed with the DC any chance you can get a sitter and get some time away for you and your dh?

Babygym Wed 14-Sep-16 20:13:38

Sorry to hear you're in the same boat blerg I guess a lot of people are.

I could do something once he youngest starts school, but I'll be mid 30s by then, is that too late? I know it's never too late but won't employers be looking for younger people?

I don't think I can commit to night school because of dhs working hours.

I am feeling harassed by the dc. I love them dearly but you know, it's full on. Today dh still isn't home and this isn't unusual.

MatildaTheCat Wed 14-Sep-16 20:20:41

Mid 30s is perfect. You'll still have around 30 years of working life ahead of you. If possible do something while not in paid work such as volunteering or PTA to use on your cv. Maybe do some free online learning to explore areas of interest. FutureLearn do a whole heap of fantastic fee short courses.

Babygym Wed 14-Sep-16 20:29:26

Thanks Matilda it probably sounds ridiculous writing myself off in my 30s. Perhaps I just feel old.

We do have grandparents that will babysit on weekends but we never even seem to feel like going out these days.

Dh is good for nothing after work, then for example this weekend he's working, most weekends just go so quickly. Sometimes he even gets calls from his bosses or colleagues evenings and weekends asking for advice.

The thing I always wanted to do was to join the police service.

Bailey101 Wed 14-Sep-16 20:31:01

Have you considered distance learning? I'm doing a degree with the open university, and it's designed to be fitted in around children or jobs. You can do 30 credits (around 1/4 of the work load of a traditional year at uni) right up to 120 credits (the same as a full time course) at a time and you can defer easily enough if needed.

It would be a great way to kick start a career change!

Wishfulmakeupping Wed 14-Sep-16 20:35:14

I agree with Matilda- I took voluntary redundancy during my pregnancy with dc2 last year. I was in a highly paid job that bored me to tears now I'm at home with the Dcs and doing voluntary work in stuff that really interests me and I'm looking at starting a pt masters in a field I'm more interested in that I can study long distance. I would really recommend voluntary work I've met some fab people and got lots out of it

MuseumOfCurry Wed 14-Sep-16 20:42:46

You're in the very hardest spot, it will get easier and you are SO YOUNG.

Look into open U etc.

If I could go back to my younger self, I'd try to be more focused on the moment because what they say is true - you blink and they're 10. Sometimes I look back and remember myself being bored out of my mind and I'm consumed with guilt.

As for this

I know I chose this life but it's dawning on me that I've massively fucked up my chances of ever doing something I love. I've destined myself to being default childcare, cook, cleaner and all the rest.

We have a traditional setup here, when I went back to work I outsourced everything so that we were ostensibly equal at home. This didn't work perfectly, but we see the costs of housekeeping and they're borne by the household rather than by me.

Lunchboxlewiswillyoumarryme Wed 14-Sep-16 20:45:28

Same here.18 yrs of mind numbing boring same thing every day shite.while he enjoys a glittering career.i fucked up big time..you wouldn't know it ,but I have a degree.people are amazed when I tell them what fucking waste of a life..happy kids.no childcare .no issues, just happy ..fucking miserable mother thou.im getting thro the bottle of red quite quick thou..prob dosnt help

MissHemsworth Wed 14-Sep-16 20:47:06

Watching with interest as I'm in a similar situation. Got made redundant from a job I hated when ML finished with DS2. My DH is away Monday to Friday every week.

Have you thought about working in a school/doing teacher training? That's the only career choice I can think of that works around DH's hours though it's not necessarily something I would choose to do!

DeadGood Wed 14-Sep-16 20:52:29

I feel you OP. It's shit.

I think the "he earns more so it made sense" thing is the crux of it. The pay gap means that when it comes down to it, it's hard to cut your household income and rely on the spouse who is earning less (usually the woman). So the man carries on as usual, and the woman ends up stuck at home.

I think employers should be made accountable for their lack of flexibility. Decent part time work is like gold dust. I know I have taken a huge pay cut, to do the same job I used to earn double (pro-rated) for, simply because they offer flexibility and no one else does. It's a disgrace.

stripeyshoesy Wed 14-Sep-16 20:58:48

Not in the same boat but I'm massively restricted because of my DH's work and the hours he has to put in. I knew this before we got married and DC arrived but didn't really get how his work would impact on my life. Having said that, he earns a good salary so while I complain that he's not home yet (9pm after leaving at 7am this morning) his job does afford us a good standard of living.
Your children are young still, you will get time to retrain when they're older.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 14-Sep-16 21:04:16

Loads of people change career at your age.

Open University at home at night is your friend. No babysitters needed.

Get qualified now when you are stuck at home at night without adult company. I did more qualifications like this. It was really good.

When DC are all at school you will then be ready to jump into the new career.

lonzo82 Wed 14-Sep-16 21:09:15

I agree with PP with regards to the future learn website idea. That way you can try something for free that isn't too time intensive and it would give you an idea of potential areas you'd like to study further in.

emsyj Wed 14-Sep-16 21:13:49

Can you look at other jobs that would offer something like what you want from the police? Do you like the idea of working with people, being outdoors, law enforcement itself...? Try to work out why you want to be a policewoman and see what alternatives there are - e.g. Trading Standards officer, some HMRC roles involve exercising police-like powers of enforcement/investigation, work with people could turn into counselling or social work etc etc. Have you thought about seeing a careers advisor?
I returned to work and retrained after DD2. It has been hard work but I much prefer the sense of having my own life and identity beyond my home life. Some people just arent cut out for the SAHM life - others thrive on it. You dont have to become a SAHM if it isn't what you want.

cmt1375 Wed 14-Sep-16 21:23:17

You can make a change even in your mid 30's or even 40's. Life can be a drudge while the kids are young and you feel like you are spending your life making everyone else's work, fetching, carrying, taking etc.
Can you dip your toe in the water with the police, do they have Police Cadet's in your area? They are often after volunteer instructors for cadets (like Scout Leaders) and that might enable you to work out if you really want to do the job, whilst getting you out and doing something for you. Getting out and being something other than so and so's Mum can make you feel so much better.

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