To feel so inadequate

(83 Posts)
NotAFanOfCupcakes Wed 14-Sep-16 00:43:25

I know a lot of people won't relate to this and perhaps think this is a first world problem in the extreme, but please hear me out.

Purely for context, DH is a CEO and well off and is desperate for me to hire a full time nanny because apparently I can't cope - evidenced by lack of organised household 6 weeks post partum. He is annoyed that he came home late tonight (well 8pm) and there wasn't any dinner and things were untidy.

in my defence, I was getting eldest to bed and then new baby - instead of sleeping - wanted to feed constantly (growth spurt?). Figured at worst we could order a takeaway or he could throw us both a pasta together (I'm hungry too!)

No, not good enough - with his job pressure, he 'needs' to have things run smoothly at home and 'if I can't cope' i can get a full time nanny/mother's help.

But I don't want to. I know this crazy stage will pass. I want to look after my children myself and breastfeed the baby on demand (she's my last baby). Suddenly, though, he's telling me that none of his peers have this problem. Their wives either have decent 'help' or they 'manage things themselves' - the implication being that I am not managing.

When i later made a small comment about how poor DD had been largely ignored today (ferried around in pram on a million errands between feeds) he looked irked and said 'well that's not good'. I should be paying someone if I can't give her adequate attention, I should be taking her to groups, he said (I've actually signed up to one starting end of the month, but I didn't want to commit to anything sooner, before I found a sort of rhythm, which clearly I haven't yet).

I just feel like shit, honestly. As if it wasn't bad enough feeling fat and milky and unqualified (gave up successful job for babies) and tired; im apparently a rubbish wife and mother, too. And I suppose it has hit a nerve because I do feel inadequate anyway. where do all the hours go? Why am I finding it this hard? Why do I always feel like I'm rushing to get a million things done?

NotAFanOfCupcakes Wed 14-Sep-16 00:45:27

To add, my other child (DS) is 5 and at school

NaturalRBF Wed 14-Sep-16 00:47:32

Punch him in the dick & tell him to fuck off. If that's isn't clear enough for him shit in his lunch box.

You're doing an amazing job. Don't let him get to you. Like his mates are going to admit their wives are all over the shop & the house is a mess. Enjoy this time & tell him where to go

M00nUnit Wed 14-Sep-16 00:50:44

You sound to me like you're doing a great job and he's being a complete arse.

AmeliaJack Wed 14-Sep-16 00:51:55

This isn't ok.

You aren't a member of his staff. He doesn't get to give you "job feedback".

You are his wife, he is mean to love and cherish you.

Six weeks post partum it's completely fine for the dinner to be late and the house a bit messy. It's normal.

He's not "in charge" at home and clearly needs a reminder.

Get some prepared meals from M&S or Waitrose if the lack of an immediate meal is a problem.

Stand your ground if you don't want help - I'd hate it.

Just a thought - does he view it as a status thing to have a housekeeper? Some people do...

ParsnipSoup Wed 14-Sep-16 00:52:35

To put it simply your DH is being an arse.

For the first couple of months your job is feeding the baby and everything else is extra. To be honest I have a 15 week old and it's still hit and miss what gets done around the house. You are certainly not alone in not being up to doing loads of housework. I was the same with groups too, my first 6 weeks were spent at home sorting out all my breastfeeding woes and then I started going to work.

If I was you I'd take full advantage of him wanting to pay to get "help" and get a cleaner in to do the housework, then you can concentrate guilt free on the children.

Also read "what mothers do"... It will show you how much you are actually doing and hopefully make you feel a bit better about that.

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 14-Sep-16 00:53:09

6 WEEKS? I second the dick-punching.

MommaGee Wed 14-Sep-16 00:58:58

Not suprised you feel like crap when your hubby is being an arse.

Are the children fed, washed and loved? Yes? Then you're doing a tremendous job.

If you want some help with the cleaning so you can cuddle / sleep / zone out to Bing go for it and do not feel bad. If you don't, tell him to help or shut up. I perosnally don't get how anyone needs a nanny when they're a sahm but a cleaner? Ohord i could only dream!!!!

You "need" his support and love, not frigging judgement. You are not on the payroll, you do not get monthly appraisals.

Congrats on the new baby

Pissedoffinsomniac Wed 14-Sep-16 01:02:45

Give your DH a biscuit, thirded that you're doing a great job and that he's an arse.

If he's desperate to throw money at a "problem", how about a cleaner? Means you can focus more on your babies and not worry/have to do the tedious shit like hoovering/cleaning the bathroom/washing up. I got one when I had a lodger (he was a scruffy tw@t and I refused to clean up after another adult) and she is a godsend.

I'm expecting DD1 soon and I know my cleaner will be worth every penny and more, especially if I need a C-section, DH means well but his cleaning standards are not quite on the same level as mine!

NaturalRBF Wed 14-Sep-16 01:04:58

Feel free to employ me as your cleaner & I'll punch him in the dick for you.

PomBearWithAnOFRS Wed 14-Sep-16 01:05:12

He is a tit with no understanding of the realities of looking after two small children. That said, take him up on his offer to throw money at his own comfort and get a cook, a cleaner and/or a housekeeper to do everything else while you enjoy your children.
He gets fed in a clean house and you make the most of the time with your lovely babies while they are small.
Oh, and when he decides he wants sex, give him the number of an escort agency, and sweetly point out that since you were so crap at everything else, you thought he would just hire a vagina too... hmm

NotAFanOfCupcakes Wed 14-Sep-16 01:05:41

Embarrassed to say now that we do have a cleaner (who does laundry and irons confused)

NotAFanOfCupcakes Wed 14-Sep-16 01:09:07

I'd love a cook! But I don't think normal people (ie not celebrities) have them do they?

BasicMadeira Wed 14-Sep-16 01:10:22

Okay I agree fully with all posters saying that DP is being unreasonable but why not get a housekeeper and delegate all things house and food related to him or her? That way you get to focus on your children entirely and he gets an efficiently run home. If you can afford it there is no way you need to do it all (and with a tiny baby no way will you be able to do it all anyway) so tender out the elements of being a SAHM that you don't like and focus on the bits you do! Win win I say!

QueenLizIII Wed 14-Sep-16 01:16:43

Something tells me this isnt the end of it though.

If a nanny, cook, cleaner and butler are hired, what else will he get at the OP for?

NotAFanOfCupcakes Wed 14-Sep-16 01:26:39

It is hard to give a proper picture of someone online isn't it? I'd say he's a pretty nice guy mostly - believe it or not! I've been able to give up work and he's all for making sure I am not stressed (suffered a very scary bout of depression and still very much recovering) or over taxed. He will never say 'you should do more' but more 'you really need to face up to the fact that you can't cope with having a lot on your plate and accept all the help we can afford'. I'm very sensitive about this. I hate how crippling depression has been and I wish I was better at coping.

And the trouble is, while I'm happy for cleaning and things to come under that umbrella - parenting is different. I really believe that my children are better of with stressed, flappy, sometimes sad me than someone else who may well have more time, patience and exuberance, but isn't their mother:

NotAFanOfCupcakes Wed 14-Sep-16 01:27:38

sorry is this classic drip feeding??

NotAFanOfCupcakes Wed 14-Sep-16 01:28:54

The italics were unintentional smile - I meant to point to the post above ie do this ^

QueenLizIII Wed 14-Sep-16 01:31:56

But what you have described is not a woman who cannot cope and whose depression is making things difficult. What you have described is utterly normal considering they have a 6 week old baby.

If he wants his dinner cooked and ready when he is home then he can order meals delivered, get a take away, make it himself and fuck off while he does it

All of this criticism is going to make you think you cant manage when you are doing very well.

Montysaurus Wed 14-Sep-16 01:46:32

On the one hand I can understand why his comments would upset you, especially as you want to take care of your dc yourself. I'd personally find that sort of comment really upsetting. But on the other hand, do you have a lot of support other than the cleaner (eg your mum or other family member coming over to help, a counsellor to help with the legacy of the depression, anything like that)? With a dh with a very demanding job and longish hours, I think there's no shame in having extra help at hand during the early years, either paid for or family, even if you're at home full time. I have a history of depression (thankfully not since having first dc 6 years ago) and with both my kids I had a family member with me at home almost every day until 8 weeks after the births just to help keep everything running smoothly. I was totally fine emotionally but having someone around to hold the baby, play with the toddler etc was a huge help. If I could afford a mother's help I'd jump at the chance (eg to play with toddler while I shower and do simple jobs). Perhaps someone just to help you in the afternoons might be a good investment? Personally, I'd definitely outsource cooking if I could as I don't enjoy it when I'm also caring for young cranky kids at the same time (I enjoy it if there's no pressure!)! Having some help in from 3pm to 7pm to help with food prep/child care during crazy hour if dh isn't going to be home by 6 may actually be useful. He shouldn't be giving you job feedback but there may be something in the idea of getting some help, though perhaps not full time.

intheBondiBubble Wed 14-Sep-16 01:54:55

Hi,
I think you sound like you are doing a great job, but I understand if your husband is feeling a bit stressed with the changes at home with a newborn, I would take advantage of his offer and perhaps look at getting a mothers helper to come over maybe from 4-7 each day to help tidy up and get the dinner started etc, it doesn't need to be long term but just for a few months while you find your routine which will allow you to focus on your babies

NotAFanOfCupcakes Wed 14-Sep-16 01:55:35

Thank you for your thoughts and monty it's a good point you make. I have lots of family close by for emotional support, but practically not so much. My parents still work full time, for example can't convince them to retire

I'd love some help for the crazy bath bedtime hours, but just to tidy up the tornado trail we leave and put dinner on - rather than help the children. I really like doing this myself. But I don't think that sort of person exists does it?

intheBondiBubble Wed 14-Sep-16 01:57:33

You could also think about getting a dinner service delivered, it's not that uncommon and is a popular gift amongst my friends to help manage this newborn weeks/months. Maybe a local service to provide home cooked meals which can go straight into the oven with a salad or some veg all done

MommaGee Wed 14-Sep-16 01:59:29

Isn't that a cleaner?? Surely you can find a cleaner who would work the hrs you need?

intheBondiBubble Wed 14-Sep-16 02:00:08

Maybe contact a nanny agency, or post something on your local area Facebook page, it's not so much a nanny position rather a no there helper, friends often have a student come in the afternoons

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