To have said something?(36 Posts)
Sorry for the long post, and this is probably going to seem really petty to some of you, but I am so wound up about it!
DH is usually pretty good with pulling his weight. And by that I mean doing his fair share of parenting when he's here, helping out around the house without having to be asked etc - like I would expect from any normal, sane human being in an adult relationship But the past few weeks, it seems like he's forgotten how to adult, or has just decided he's not going to be an adult anymore. it's genuinely like being married to an extra child at the moment. Some examples of what I mean:
- Laundry. Washed, dried, folded into a basket. All I ask is that he put his things away himself. The same baskets have been sat in our bedroom untouched for a week now, even though I've asked everyday that he put it away.
- Parenting. Or lack thereof. The other day, I went into the kitchen to cook dinner leaving Dd in the front room with DH. I said "you'll need to check her nappy in a few minutes", message was definitely received and understood by DH. I went back into front room half an hour later to say dinner was ready, and Dd is stood there with her vest wet around the waist area where her nappy had leaked. Clearly, nappy was not checked, let alone changed.
- Another issue I'm having, he has stopped making any concious effort to diffuse tantrums. He makes them worse. Dd gets progressively more upset until I go and fix the situation. He tells her off almost constantly. Seems like the poor kid breathes a certain way and he will tell her "don't do that" My theory is, she acts up when she's with DH on her own because she doesn't understand where the boundaries are....its just one massive boundary where she's not allowed to do anything. And then when she does cry, he does nothing. Unless she's crying for a blatantly obvious reason like she's hurt herself or something. If she's having a bit of a typical toddler meltdown about something, he literally does nothing. Which results in her getting more and more upset until I go and sort the problem for her.
AIBU to think that after having this child in his life for almost two years, he shouldn't have to be told when to change a nappy, or to comfort her when she cries? And his heavily pregnant, knackered wife (who has SPD too) shouldn't have to ask repeatedly for bloody obvious, simple jobs to be done, and when they don't get done, end up doing absolutely everything herself as well as everything else around the house??
Please tell me if I'm being petty and silly. I'm just really close to blowing my top about it.
what has happened in the past few weeks to cause this change?
If this is a total about turn on the responsibility front then why? I think it's important to have it out with him because whatever it is, it's not acceptable to react to it by dodging his responsibilities.
I was going to ask the same as Arf why the sudden change. I would definitely have it out with him, it is the last thing you need at this stage of pregnancy.
Goodness, why do you think the sudden change has happened?
Arf I have absolutely no idea.
There are no family issues going on, no changes at work that I'm aware of - if anything his work has been a lot more chilled out that usual since he went back after some annual leave last month.
No health issues.
I literally have no idea. And I've tried to bring it up tonight, and I was met with a look like I've sprouted seven heads, and a huff, as if I'm the one who's out of order for asking for a bit of help
It's just been brought up.
Lo and behold, I'm the arsehole for asking for help.
Because home and children are your responsibility and he gets to opt out any time he feels like it?
Good to know we can do that.
Did you know we can do that?
I didn't know we could do that.
Whatever is up with him that has turned him into this, you arent a mind reader and he needs to sack up and speak up!
I've just said that the thing that's bothering me most is that I shouldn't have to ask for these very minor, simple things to be done. He should look at Dd, see the nappy is a bit full and think "I need to change that", but he doesn't!
And I've explained that I'm due to give birth in 7 weeks, everyday things that I could normally do without really thinking about (ie housework, picking Dd up etc) take a lot more physical effort now, so I'm a lot more physically tired, coupled with the fact that it's alway me getting up with Dd in the night because he "doesn't hear her", I'm the one who gets up repeatedly between 5:30 and 6am to lay her back down and tell her it's not time get up yet, I'm the one who isn't sleeping properly anyway due to the baby kicking at the most inappropriate times, and the impossible task of finding a comfortable position to sleep in....but I'm still out of order for bringing this up and asking for a bit more help. Apparently he "doesn't know" that things need doing. I said that he "doesn't know" because I usually end up doing it!!!
YANBU, he needs to either tell you what's up, why he's not been pulling his weight lately so you can work together to solve the issue. Or just get on with It like you have to.
I've had this on and off with my dp, he can be fabulous - I know he's more than capable. But sometimes he's lazy and part of the reason is because he works shifts and thinks that he can 'opt out' of doing his bit just because he's on a certain shift that week. I do make allowances for night shift for example, but he can still do bits when be is home, like empty the bin when it's full, which takes all of 5 minutes. Drives me bonkers and I find it really demoralising when he slacks. I find I'm more motivated to keep things ticking over when he does his bit. When he doesn't chip in I start thinking well why should I bother if he's not arsed? Which doesn't help anyone.
Oh, and as the perfect cherry on top of my stress cake, I've now been told I have to go and have a growth scan to check on my baby's wellbeing, as his growth as significantly slowed down.
It seems like he sees it as me being worried about that as well as the rest of the everyday stresses outlined in previous posts are just me be silly and needing something to whinge about.
It's bullshit that he doesn't know, of course he knows, he's not an idiot!
He's just being lazy and seeing how far he can go with it.
It probably is laziness to a degree....but then I feel horrendously guilty for even thinking that because he goes to work everyday and I don't. I think that's why I just don't bother saying anything half the time and just do these things all myself
But how can he claim he doesnt know when until a few weeks ago he was a fully functioning adult human being.
He's suddenly lost these skills amd knowedge has he?
I don't know we've just gone back to him playing his PS4 and me watching a documentary on the iPad not saying anything.
Seems like a pointless fight and it will get us nowhere.
I think at this point id say look, something is clearly up. You are being a dick. When you're ready to jejoin the adult population you just let me know.
Then id just let the mardyarse sod get on with it.
It's not unreasonable to expect an adult to pull their weight.
It's not favours he does you when he does things for his children or around the house he lives in.
Why are you doing everything??! The more you do, the less he has to?? Focus on you and your growing baby, and let your body rest. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.
It's the things like putting he laundry away that seem really petulant t get my knickers in a twist about, but if that doesn't get put away, and I do
Sorry my phone has a mind of its own!
If it doesn't get put away, the next load to be done will just join it, sitting there waiting to be put away. And it will pile up. And I cannot live like that. So I end up doing it just because I either can't stand to look at it anymore, or we actually run out of laundry baskets because they are all full of his clean clothes!!
I'm by no means a "show home" neat freak, but I can't live in a tip with crap piled up everywhere. I don't think that's unreasonable. But maybe it is?!
Empty the baskets onto his side of the bed. And leave it all there. Or just stop washing it full stop.
Maybe the impending baby is the change? Reality of having another is hitting and he is shutting down? No excuse, as at this late stage he should be picking up the slack not lessening it, but might be the reason?
I genuinely think it will get to that.
But then the clothes all over the floor will bug me!! Because he still won't put them away....he will take what he wants from the clean pile and leave the rest there. Every night, he takes his clothes off and throws them on his side of the bed, then does the same in the morning with whatever clothes he's slept in. If I didn't pick them up, they would stay there! And then when I've had enough of looking at them and pick things up asking "Is this dirty?", he doesn't know because it's just become his floor-drobe mixture of clean stuff he hasn't put away and dirty stuff he's discarded down there
It's so frustrating because he's in the military! So by default has to be clean, tidy and organised. His military kit is absolutely pristine and tidy!!! So he's more than capableb
I understand regarding the guilt as I get that too. Being a sahm (especially a pregnant one) can be a thankless task though and him going to work doesn't give him licence to absolve himself of all responsibility at home. His hours at work are finite, he can come home at the end of the day and not worry about work, he gets breaks through the day where he can have a cuppa or lunch in peace. Wheres your 'hours' are continuous, 24/7. When do you get to 'leave' and forget about your responsibilities for a while? Just because he brings in the money and you don't doesn't mean your role a sahm is worthless. Quite the opposite actually. Both of your roles are equally as important and he needs to realise that.
You are pregnant and in pain, he may well be anxious about the new baby but by acting like a man child he is making it worse for both of you. This is a time where he really should be pulling out all the stops and doing more than his bit, because you are clearly struggling and cannot keep up with things like you could usually.
Don't feel guilty for wanting a grown man to not treat his home like some sort of hotel and you like some sort of maid. What you are expecting of him is completely reasonable.
I'd let him have the floordrobe. No way would I be picking up his clothes and putting them away! Stop it now!
You're not giving him a reason to change. Yeah you might "whinge" a bit, but you'll still do it.
You have more important things to worry about. Stop running around after him. If it's not in the laundry basket, it doesn't get washed. End. Of. Story.
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