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AIBU?

To be hurt and embarrassed?

77 replies

Sayonaraplenty · 13/09/2016 00:00

Went on a date this w/end with someone who I thought was a sweet, gentle, quiet guy (known him a little while). Had drinks to combat nerves. I was my usual chatty self and he opened up during the eve. Date reached a peak just before midnight, when he was due to catch transport home. He asked to crash at mine so as to carry on the night. I didn't think this was a great idea as was v tired and not really in the mood but couldn't really force him to go home plus was having good time.

Evening went on, I got drunker, started feeling more tired and sick, definitely ready to go home. Chatted a lot of shit and asked annoying/needy questions Probably over shared too. I feel like I looked a lot more into him than I am if that makes sense? I like(d) him but the more nervous I am, the nicer/chattier I get and when he tried to kiss me etc I just went with it so as not to make him feel rejected, even though wasn't really in the mood.

He later grandly announced that he'd like to see me again and could really see us having a relationship how magnanimous He thought I looked beautiful, he really liked me... I must have found this sweet at the time rather than ridiculous and just went with all his attempts to essentially get me into bed, despite really just wanting the comfort of my own bed, by myself.

He then tried it on massively when home, despite fact I had not given him any signals, was really drunk and clearly just wanted to sleep. I feel a bit used and also a bit disgusted with him.

Anyway, gave him the benefit of doubt and thought well he was drunk too, maybe he's embarrassed blah blah.

However all day yest, heard nothing. Today was a big day for him and me (for very different reasons) so I messaged to wish him well. He replied saying thanks, nothing else. For context he is not a player at all. If anything quite inexperienced.

Aibu to be hurt and feel a bit used?? I don't understand his motives at all or what he wants.

OP posts:

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Sayonaraplenty · 13/09/2016 00:03

The great irony was that it was his personality rather than his looks (although he is not unattractive) that really swung it for me. I just feel like I have seen his true colours and don't like it. I am hurt that he has gone cold with me when really he is the one in the wrong too, for inviting himself to mine then persistently trying it on when I was clearly not receptive to his advances

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MinonsMovie · 13/09/2016 00:06

When you say persistent, I assume he was inappropriate? Is he mortified/ashamed maybe?

Aeroflotgirl · 13/09/2016 00:06

I feel you were both drunk and mixed messages were flying about. Mabey he is embarrassed about his behaviour. The ball is in his court, just leave it and see what happens.

Sayonaraplenty · 13/09/2016 00:09

Yeah he was quite inappropriate. Just kept trying it on when clearly I was trying to sleep. And not in the mood. also heard him having a long wank in the bathroom Not really okay. I kissed him back etc so as not to make him feel rejected but now wondering why I bothered!!!

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MinonsMovie · 13/09/2016 00:12

He sounds like a dickhead.

MinonsMovie · 13/09/2016 00:13

If I'm honest I'm a little bit irrationally angry on your behalf.

Sayonaraplenty · 13/09/2016 00:14

I do actually think he fancied me/liked me but prob too immature for a relationship :s

Trouble is I am now left doubting myself and wondering whether it was something I said when drunk (I'm pretty sure I said some v embarrassing things/overshared).

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MinonsMovie · 13/09/2016 00:16

Just so you know there are men out there who do respect women when they say no - even if they're in the same bed... even if they've kissed them... Even if they've married them.
This guy is a twat I wouldn't go near him again. If this is how he treats you on your first date...

ittooshallpass · 13/09/2016 00:17

Oh dear. Lots if mixed signals.
Kissing him so he didn't feel rejected?
Next time do what you want to do. Why did you allow him to stay at yours?
He sounds revolting... loudly walking?!
Set your bar higher. Way higher.

Sayonaraplenty · 13/09/2016 00:18

Thanks minions, it was just very immature from him. I think he wants a girlfriend but is clueless/immature.

I'm just upset I gave him benefit of the doubt etc/brought him out of his shell to make him feel better and then he fucking used me for sex. How patronising to say you want a relationship like dangling a carrot!

This is going to sound big headed but I am young (so is he) and do get my fair share of attention from men. The reason I thought he was so nice/unlike the rest was because he was self-admittedly quiet and shy, and I gave him a chance! Well a few actually, I excused him a lot for supposedly shy behaviour when really I was prob too nice

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MinonsMovie · 13/09/2016 00:18

Are you kidding me! You shouldn't be feeling hurt and embarrassed here - you should be running around thanking God you discovered this guy is a wanker right at the start!

ittooshallpass · 13/09/2016 00:18

Wanking! Not walking!! (Although that's what you should have been doing)

Sayonaraplenty · 13/09/2016 00:18

It wasn't a first date really, it was third/fourth but complicated.

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Sayonaraplenty · 13/09/2016 00:20

I don't think he was wanking so I could hear, he was drunk and v thin walls so I could make out sound of it. Is that ok?! I don't know?!

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Yorkieheaven · 13/09/2016 00:20

Think you both drank too much, clearly, if you like him then call or text this and say you would love to meet again and start again or chalk it to experience.

You are both giving out mixed messages. Dangerous

MinonsMovie · 13/09/2016 00:21

I do agree that you shouldn't have been giving him these mixed signals, and that something you can work on for future situations but it doesn't help in the past tense.

Sayonaraplenty · 13/09/2016 00:23

I don't think my messages were that mixed?! I was down for kissing but not for sex. Very drunk, fully clothed. Clearly not in the mood. What's difficult about that :s

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OlennasWimple · 13/09/2016 00:24

By the way OP, you can say no at any point, regardless of the "signals" you may have been giving out earlier

MinonsMovie · 13/09/2016 00:24

Yuck.
Don't give him a second chance. I think it sounds like he knows exactly what he was doing.

Yorkieheaven · 13/09/2016 00:25

And you both sound very young and a bit immature but that's allowed.

He was wanking? Oh dear!

MinonsMovie · 13/09/2016 00:25

I'm so confused. Did you have sex with him or not?

Yorkieheaven · 13/09/2016 00:27

Yes on reading again think this is a bummer.

Move on and set your bar higher. Maybe drink slower on s date too. That's hard if you are nervous but worth trying.

Better luck with the next guy.

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TheGruffaloMother · 13/09/2016 00:27

I've had a date almost exactly like this. You have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about.

I was daft enough to carry on with his enthusiasm afterwards though and ended up having to very uncomfortably dump him a few weeks later. I learned a lot from that bloke.

Ask yourself this (I asked myself many times): can you imagine ever pressuring an obviously tipsy person into letting you stay at their home if they've been reluctant? If you respected a very new partner, would you go to their bathroom to get yourself off none too discreetly if they didn't want sex?

It's not OK. I'd call this one a day if I were you.

Stillunexpected · 13/09/2016 00:31

Regardless of what he was doing or thinking, you sound confused! He asked to stay at yours, you didn't want him to but "couldn't force him to go home" - well yes, you could, I think saying no, you can't stay at mine might have encouraged him onto his public transport? You were very tired but having a good time so didn't want to go home?

What do you mean he "grandly" announced that he wanted to see you again? What was wrong with him asking for another date? Why do you think it was ridiculous that he told you you are beautiful? Do you have a hard time taking compliments?

Unless you have left out some massive chunk of this story, you both sound confused and immature tbh.

Sayonaraplenty · 13/09/2016 00:39

Well, he originally said he didn't have a set time to go home because he could crash at friends' houses. Then asked if maybe he could sleep on my sofa "but no sex". Then it turned into him staying at mine. I sound confused because I had had a couple of drinks and I guess wanted him to like me? That looks awful written down.

Yes I have a bit of a hard time taking compliments... By grandly announced, I mean he said he wanted a relationship - you can't really announce something like that right? It's more mutually decided. And it's something you show in your actions not your words.

I fell for his little shy guy charade and yes I was naive too, fine.

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