DD wants to contact her estranged sister, Aibu to ask for help

(37 Posts)
WarholsLittleQueen Mon 12-Sep-16 17:28:48

My DD is 9. She has an older sister who is 20, my exH's DD.

ExDH hasn't seen her for about ten years, as she didn't want to see him when him and her mum split up. I never met her myself until about 3 years ago when she found me online and she started messaging me. We then met up a few times.

After we had been talking for a while I asked her if she wanted to meet DD, and she did but she was very adamant she didn't want her dad involved. So just the 3 of us met up a few times. Although it was awkward at times we got on well and the girls really liked each other. Then we had a falling out. It was my fault, I got in the middle of an argument between her and her dad which I shouldn't have got involved in. she said she never wanted to speak to me again and due to the fragility of all the relationships involved I took her word for it and have completely stayed away. She knew how to contact me so i figured if she wanted to then she would, but she never did. I do know that She has a 1 year old baby girl of her own now.

My DD is now asking about her older sister a lot and saying she wants to get in touch again. I just don't know what to do, I am not sure it's a good idea as I don't want her to feel awful if her sister rejects her, I think it could be really damaging.

I also have no way of contacting her other than finding her on Facebook / Instagram. I don't even know where she lives. And I also don't think she'd take kindly to hearing from me because of how things were when we last spoke. I also of course don't want to upset her and disrupt her life.

I just don't know what to for the best.

Help!

mycatstares Mon 12-Sep-16 17:31:54

Message her on Facebook and apologize for how you acted previously, congratulate her on her dd if you haven't already and take things from there.

Don't tell your dd you've messaged her if the reply isn't great though. Best of luck.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Mon 12-Sep-16 17:32:08

Maybe now she is a parent herself she will understand how tricky things can get regarding kids and relationships etc. I would make the effort to get a message or you number to her. Nothing to lose.

40somethingwonderful Mon 12-Sep-16 17:33:55

I'd message her and apologise. Hopefully enough time has passed and you can resolve your issues.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Mon 12-Sep-16 17:34:48

Message her, once. If she doesn't open it, or reads it but doesn't reply, leave her be.

Hopefully she'll read it, and you can apologise for getting involved, and congratulate her on her new daughter. Tell her that her little sister would like to see her and offer to take them all for coffee or something?

I'd agree with not telling DD that you've contacted older sister until you get a reply.

Amelie10 Mon 12-Sep-16 17:35:56

I agree with the others. She may have softened a bit after having her own DC. Message and apologise for what happened and let her know that your DD would like to have a relationship with her. Don't tell your DD though just in case she still doesn't want to see her. Hope it all goes well for your DD.

Magstermay Mon 12-Sep-16 17:45:23

It sounds as though the argument was between you and her rather than your DD? I'd do as pp have said and contact her and apologise, make it clear that DD has been asking about her and that you would like to make amends too and leave the ball in her court.

WarholsLittleQueen Mon 12-Sep-16 18:36:23

Magster yeah it was she was slagging her dad off and I didn't agree with how she was being and told her so and she didn't like it. But i should have just stayed out of it as was nothing to do with me.

WarholsLittleQueen Mon 12-Sep-16 18:39:25

Thanks for all the replies

I'm scared to message her in case she sends me a gobful back or days anything mean about DD. stupid really, typed words can't hurt me

I'm also worried about what exH will say as he was never very happy about the girls seeing each other anyway (mostly cos I think it pissed him off that his oldest DD wanted to see her sister but not him)

WarholsLittleQueen Mon 12-Sep-16 18:40:18

Thanks for all the replies

I'm scared to message her in case she sends me a gobful back or days anything mean about DD. stupid really, typed words can't hurt me

I'm also worried about what exH will say as he was never very happy about the girls seeing each other anyway (mostly cos I think it pissed him off that his oldest DD wanted to see her sister but not him)

FeliciaJollygoodfellow Mon 12-Sep-16 18:47:47

So what are you asking then, if you don't want to message her? confused she was a child when she made the decision to not see your DH, and she was 17 when she saw you last.

I think the adult with the more life experience should be taking the bull by the horns here and not leaving the ball in a young, new mothers court. If you'll excuse me for mixing my metaphors grin

Did you DH make an effort to get in contact when she was younger? Send birthday cards and presents?

Hassled Mon 12-Sep-16 18:51:48

Agree that the ball is really in your court - sounds like you cocked up (as we all do), you know you cocked up and you want to put things right. My only worry re the FB message thing is that if you're not "Friends" then it'll go into the Other folder and she may never see it. Is there no other route to get in touch? Do you know where her mother lives?

WarholsLittleQueen Mon 12-Sep-16 18:53:45

I'm not saying I'm not going to message her I'm saying I'm scared to take the plunge

Pathetic really as I'm a mother of 3 and I am 35 years oldblush

WarholsLittleQueen Mon 12-Sep-16 18:59:59

Oh and just saw the bit about ExDH yes he did send her cards and presents and try to keep in touch

She moved away with her mum though shortly after she decided she didn't want to see him. And her mum wouldn't give him their new address or anything. If it was me I'd have gone to court when that happened. He used to send cards and presents etc to his ex's mums house. But he could have tried much harder to maintain contact with her and he didn't but he's got to live with that.

And no I don't know why I had a child with some one like that! I don't regret her of course but I wish I had had mumsnet back then! I was very naive. Major red flag "crazy" ex and a child he doesn't see! Fgs.

bluebeck Mon 12-Sep-16 19:05:36

As an adult who was once in your DDs position I implore you to do all you can to keep the door open and to facilitate the relationship between DD and her sibling.

I do appreciate it must be difficult for you, but like you said, if she does reject any advances, it's because she is hurt. It may be that you need to contact her a few times, six months apart.

Tell DD that you will try to contact her but that it might be difficult. flowers

WarholsLittleQueen Mon 12-Sep-16 19:16:22

What happened blue beck? Do you see your siblings now? I hope worked out ok X

I think my main worry is that DDs sister just won't be interested in a relationship with DD. As apart from those few times they've never been in each others lives. And my DD is only her half sister (that's not how I see it but may be how she will see it) and a child from her dad who she hates to boot

Well I guess all I can do is try then both of them will know I've tried.

bluebeck Mon 12-Sep-16 19:40:17

I have two older half siblings - we share a father. Without totally outing myself, we lived very closely until I was about 5, when they were taken to another country with their mother.

I was 15 before I was able to track them down. I found an address on an old letter after rifling through my mothers old papers. My sisters are now very dear to me and I see them every 2-3 years (they still live abroad and far far away) I love them as much as I love my "full" sibling and would say we are very close. Obviously skype and facebook have facilitated this in recent years, but back in the 80s and 90s we wrote letters and made phone calls.

It's lovely of you to do all you can to help, and if it does fail, you will know you have done all you could. flowers

WarholsLittleQueen Tue 13-Sep-16 08:13:49

Aww that's great it worked out well for you flowers

I also wanted to ask, I was originally thinking of messaging her on Facebook but didn't realise that (as we weren't Fb friends) my message would go to "others". However I have managed to find her on both Instagram and Twitter ...both set to private but there seems to be an option to send a message. Does anyone know if I set an account up and message her whether she will receive it or whether they have "other" message boxes too? I don't have either myself and don't know how it works blush

WarholsLittleQueen Tue 13-Sep-16 10:17:18

Anyone? re the twitter/instagram ?

I have psyched myself up to do it today. Eek.

MrsJayy Tue 13-Sep-16 10:22:49

Friend her on facebook with a message attached say something like your sister has been asking about you

whateveryousay Tue 13-Sep-16 11:01:56

You can send a message on Instagram and she will see it, or at least it will go to the same folder as all of her other messages.

WarholsLittleQueen Tue 13-Sep-16 16:55:26

I have done it on instagram

Oh god so scared now

Wish me luck!

MrsJayy Tue 13-Sep-16 17:02:53

Dont be scared she is an adult now with her own baby dont mention their dad ever its about the sisters not him.

RaeSkywalker Tue 13-Sep-16 17:11:35

Hope all goes well flowers

Therealloislane Tue 13-Sep-16 17:24:00

Hope it went well.

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