AIBU to ask you all how the flip do I get pregnant?

(181 Posts)
OnlyEatsToast Mon 12-Sep-16 14:51:32

..as I clearly have no clue after almost 5 years of trying. I HAVE, fortunately, wonderfully, unexpectedly, managed to somehow overcome my infertile fuckwittery and produce DS1 - now aged 3. God knows how i managed that, took 2 years of ttc. I attributed it to a week of berocca at the time. And now I find myself aged 39, again distraught month after month after failing to arrange a sibling. and this time berocca is not helping shock

So AIBU to ask the den of vipers where I must be going wrong?

Whilst I know how amazingly fortunate I am to have DS, it doesn't stop my sadness at yet again finding myself failing to conceive. I don't think IVF/ICSIs or those level of interventions are for me, perhaps in a years time I might consider adopting. But is there any advise, any basics I'm missing for me to try in my last few months of ttc? (I can't endure the monthly heartbreak of the nature fail for much longer, and I don't see me wanting to continue to ttc past 40).

I've a fairly regular 28 day cycle, bleed for 4-5 days, then presumably ovulate a few days after it ends (based on the appearance of EWCM). DH and I try to dtd right at the start of when EWCM appears. Owing to DS1 not sleeping/sleeping in our bed we generally only manage the deed once a month (perhaps this is where I am going so wrong?!) Struggle so much to manage any other time though.

I am fairly healthy although much heavier than I should be. In a fairly stressful job but do a decent job of not letting that get to me. I drink 1-2 bottles of wine a week.

Not been to GP about it after the tough experience I had after DS' birth.
Assume there's nothing they could do? Not used any OPKs. Think I had an early MC a few months ago.

So where am I going wrong?

Please throw any tips my way! I promise to name the child after any mumsnetter whose advise works?!

MrsTerryPratchett Mon 12-Sep-16 14:54:45

You're a little older now so that doesn't help. Sorry.

Have you got a thermometer? Take your temperature and work out when you're ovulating. Give up coffee, booze, eat properly, sleep enough and feel better.

And do see your doctor. Good luck flowers

Starduke Mon 12-Sep-16 14:58:42

I'd say you need to have more regular sex. Once a month means you could regularly be missing the window.

Agree with PP about cutting out booze etc.

scaevola Mon 12-Sep-16 14:59:56

"we generally only manage the deed once a month (perhaps this is where I am going so wrong?!"

Almost certainly, I'm afraid. You need to be aiming for 2-3 times a week.

And do you browse the Conception Topic?

Madeyemoodysmum Mon 12-Sep-16 15:00:06

You can get ovulation kits now. Maybe your not ovulating when you think you are. Good luck but see the GP. Don't leave if.

DoublyTroubly Mon 12-Sep-16 15:01:24

To be honest, it sounds like you know where you're going wrong. Cut out the drinking and buy some OPKs. If you're only having sex once a month a few days after your period ends, this is way too little and too early in your cycle. If you really only want to have sex once a month then use OPKs and DTD when they are positive. Ideally go all out and have sex every couple of days so you are covered

ghostyslovesheep Mon 12-Sep-16 15:01:24

You should consider:

Dropping some weight
Stopping drinking so much
Having more sex at least around ovulation

DrunkenUnicorn Mon 12-Sep-16 15:02:10

flowers

I think a huge bit of it must be your only doing the dance once per month. Surely you're putting all your eggs in one basket so to speak!

I would try every other day?

Ds2 was a happy accident on day 8 (bleeding for 6 days).

Ds3 was a more traditional middle of the month baby.

Ds1 I have no idea as we were young and at it like rabbits! blush

EdmundCleverClogs Mon 12-Sep-16 15:02:15

Take folic acid, lose weight, cut out all alcohol/most caffeine, eat healthily. Though even then, your age is unfortunately a factor. Is your husband around the same age? What is his health like?

BillSykesDog Mon 12-Sep-16 15:02:38

Have you used one of those electronic fertility monitors to see when you ovulate more accurately?

I think you know what the problem could be!
If you're only doing it once a month, that's only 12 times a year.
A friend who is actively trying has been told every other day.
You'll just have to do it places other than bed smile

SleepDeprivedAndCranky Mon 12-Sep-16 15:04:26

You need to be doing it more regularly than once a month. Try doing the 'sperm meets egg' methos or dtd cd9 to cd 17 (every second day) . Are you definitely ovulating? (the ov sticks would help you work out the best days).

OnlyEatsToast Mon 12-Sep-16 15:04:39

Thank you both although your kindness has set me off sad.

MrsTP - I tried EVERYTHING when ttc no1 - sugar free, even became vegan for a while, NOTHING worked (except for berocca!) so I think I've not bothered trying those things so much this time round but you (and starduke) make a very good point.

Although I've no idea how to give up coffee/booze/sleep better when I'm so exhausted with DS1 (sleep avoider).

Also, I travel a lot for work which adds to the difficulties of tic at the right time

I feel I need to howl at the moon........angry....the cards are not in my favour

littlepooch Mon 12-Sep-16 15:04:50

As someone who struggled to conceive DC1 and who is now embarking on the horror of ttc DC2 I would say you need to pinpoint when you are ovulating. I seem to get EWCM a few days before I actually ovulate so you could be having sex too early. Buy some opks (I buy the cheap ones off amazon) and use those to try and get a better idea of when you are ovulating. Also I'm afraid you have to have sex more than once. I know there are people who seem to do it once and bam are pregnant but I think for some of us we aren't that lucky and do need to try a bit harder.

Sympathies. Both DH and I agree that ttc number one was fairly awful all in all. Hoping it won't be a battle this time around!

OnlyEatsToast Mon 12-Sep-16 15:06:06

wow. so many replies! seems like I need to be getting more jiggy!

WutheringFrights Mon 12-Sep-16 15:07:29

I spent 8 months trying to conceive DC2 - in the end I told DH that he was going to have to have sex with me every other day whether he wanted to or not...
He has stated he would very much like to try for another baby just so that we can live by that rule again for a while blush
It worked btw!

toomuchtooold Mon 12-Sep-16 15:07:54

Get the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility. It's got more detail on how to chart your ovulation, optimum shagging regime etc than anyone could possibly want in a lifetime.

Secretmetalfan Mon 12-Sep-16 15:07:59

Can't really help as in exactly same position although have now hit the big 40. DS is our world but desperately want a sibling -been trying over 2years. Nhs are crap and won't do jack if you have a child already. We had a load of tests done privately (apparently we were entitled to these on nhs but trying to get these on nhs is like getting blood from a stone!). Sorry can't offer any help but if anyone tells you on this thread to either "just relax and if would happen" or "you should BF grateful for the one you have" I'll hold them down for you!

Buddahbelly Mon 12-Sep-16 15:08:40

Not much to offer as I'm in the same boat, ds is now 4 and we've been trying for nearly a year now. I'm 36, had 4 miscarriages to date, the latest last week.

Firstly I would start using the ovulation sticks though, I get the cheap ones off ebay, when you think your ovulating and when you actually do are completely different. I used to watch cm at first and got nowhere, then after a few months I bought some tests and noticed when I thought I should be ready to get pregnant did not always match up with what the tests said, and as there is only around 12 hours every month you can actually get pg then you need all the help you can get.

Its got to the point now where Im starting to read up on all the info I can again, I got to this point last time with ds after trying for a few months, I came across something which was called cold uterus and I remember reading about it, I always have cold feet and this theory recommends wearing socks as your feet somehow keep your uterus warm (pls dont ask me to explain, i have no clue, Im just desperate really so will try anything grin), So again this month I shall be wearing my socks all the time and also drinking lots of ginger tea and taking my vitamins that I keep forgetting to take.

I have an appt on friday for my doctors to see what they can offer but I dont hold out much hope really, so fingers crossed for the socks and ginger teas!

WaitrosePigeon Mon 12-Sep-16 15:08:49

Just keep fucking! Just keep fucking! grin

OnlyEatsToast Mon 12-Sep-16 15:09:31

Do OPKs actually work?

MoonStar07 Mon 12-Sep-16 15:09:34

Ovulation kit! Cut out the wine and you need to have sex quite a bit more!

Normandy144 Mon 12-Sep-16 15:10:22

I think you might be having sex at the wrong time. Ovulation is typically 14 days before your period so about half way through a 28 day cycle. You need to really pinpoint your ovulation so get some opks and starting measuring your temperature (I found this latter suggestion really worked). Then when you know you are ovulating have sex a lot - every day or every other day should do it. After a few months of monitoring your ovulation pattern you should be able to preempt it somewhat and get some extra sex in! Good luck.

MoonStar07 Mon 12-Sep-16 15:11:02

Basically we got pregnant first time both times using ovulation kit and had sex over 3 days when the line first showed. We also were short on time to procreate mainly
Cos of stressful jobs

CaveMum Mon 12-Sep-16 15:11:10

You need to be having so more often. The guidelines (ha ha ha!) say to aim for 2-3 times a week throughout your cycle.

It does sound like you might be having sex a bit early in your cycle - if you are averaging a 28 day cycle then you will be ovulating around day 14-ish - EWCM is a sign you might be getting ready to ovulate, I wouldn't put everything on it.

You could try charting your temperatures to get a better idea of when you ovulate, though it will take several months to build up an accurate picture.

Don't assume that IVF is the only option available to you, there are lots of fertility treatments out there that aren't as invasive. I'm lucky to have DD who was conceived with treatment after 3 years of trying and am currently upduffed with #2 (9 weeks) who was also the result of treatment.

It's a horrible thing to go through, my sympathies are with you flowers

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