a wedding one, sorry.

(35 Posts)
Fluffsnuts Sun 11-Sep-16 18:07:17

This is likely to be long. Sorry.

SUMMARY:
Adult cousins X&Y were only invited to evening do of my wedding 2 years ago as I had only spoken to them once in 15 years. DM&DF of X&Y invited to whole day, rsvp'd yes but didn't turn up as pissed off that X&Y not invited when other cousins (who I am closer too) were. X is now getting married. I have been invited to the evening rsvp'd yes then found out my siblings have been invited to whole day. I'm not fussed but my dad is going nuts at aunty's petty point scoring battle. I wish they'd all just calm the fuck down.

DH and I got married a couple of years ago,it was the first wedding of either side of this generation. I was only going to invite 2 cousins (out of 9 plus partners & children) the two I regularly see and get on well with. BUT my mum informed me that one of my aunt and uncle would be unable to attend if their 3 children were not invited (too young to be left alone but all 10+) so I invited those. 4 cousins were not invited.

DH invited his favourite/ closest 5 cousins too (out of 15 + partners and children). Total cousins plus partners and children would have totalled 60 people, more than half our wedding. It was not possible to invite everyone. ALL COUSINS (and partners) WERE INVITED TO THE EVENING RECEPTION.

I rang another aunt and uncle (parents of uninvited cousins, lets call them A & B) and explained that I could not invite their children (lets call them X and Y) were not invited due to space and cost and me not having spoken to them in 15 years, but put nicely. A said she understood how expensive and complicated weddings are so not to worry. All fine and dandy. A&B rsvp'd yes.

Fast forward to wedding day, after the church ceremony we had a meal, A&B were not there. I asked my grandparents why not, but my granddad said he didn't want to tell me and to ask my dad (A's brother). I asked if everyone was ok, and was told they were fine (I was genuinely worried one of them or their children/ grandchildren were in hospital). I didn't give it any thought the rest of the day.

I deduced that A&B had not attended due to X&Y not being to the whole day. I have clarified it with my dad and indeed this is the case - they called him the morning of the wedding and said they weren't coming, he didn't tell me as he didn't an to upset me on the wedding day. He was not happy with my aunt and called her a drama queen.

I've seen A&B since and they've not said anything, go about things as though nothing happened. I'm very live and let live and relaxed so don't care. I was a bit miffed on the day as we had to not invite some people we wanted there due to numbers and for them just not turn up was annoying.

Anyway, years have passed and on to my doorstep drops an invitation to the evening do of the wedding of X. I have not met X's fiance and have spoken to X twice in 15 years. I called my mum to check re babysttting DS and RSVP'd yes. I then spoke with my sister and I am the only one of my brothers, sisters and dad not to have been invited to the whole day.

I genuinely don't care, having gone through the faff and expense of planning my own wedding I know how hard the guest list is and having not spoken to X for ages, honestly didn't expect and invitation at all. However my dad is now apoplectic with my aunt, saying he's not going to go and that my siblings shouldn't go either, calling my aunty all sorts and generally being very annoyed.

AIBU to think everyone should calm the fuck down. That yes, it does seem like petty point scoring from my aunty but so what? She only scores points if people make a fuss.

For the purpose of full disclosure-

A has always been a bit of a drama lama
X&Y are adopted, but that has never been issue in the family (why would it be?) but seems to be an issue in A's mind.
X & Y have had addiction issues, A seems to think we think less of them because of this, I don't know why, I hadn't spoken to them for years prior to this anyway and only heard of it via my gran.
We weren't close as children there's a 9 year age gap between me and X&Y.

AIBU just to put on a pretty dress and show up at 7.30 as requested and not give a fuck about the rest of it?

JulietteL Sun 11-Sep-16 18:13:03

What a mess.

I wouldn't go, but more because life is too short to go to weddings of people I don't know well.

Your dad is being unreasonable. You chose your guest list for your own reasons; they have done the same.

Brightbluebells Sun 11-Sep-16 18:13:53

You are absolutely right: put a pretty dress on and ignore all the drama. Good plan.

FarelyKnuts Sun 11-Sep-16 18:14:31

YANBU. Turn up to the evening. Give a moderately nice gift. Smile and wave grin
Ignore the rest of the shit

Shockers Sun 11-Sep-16 18:14:41

I know you say the adoption part is of no consequence to you, but it really will be to your aunt.

I'd politely tell your dad that you intend to go whether he does or not, and that you're very much looking forward to the evening, but are glad about the daytime because you've got pre-booked theatre tickets/spa day/nipple piercing... whatever.

Blessed are the peacemakers wink.

ayeokthen Sun 11-Sep-16 18:15:39

Wedding invites/lack of invites nearly split my previously close family down the middle a few years ago. If I'm honest, things still aren't quite right. If you think you can just put on a dress and a smile and go along to keep the peace I'd do that.

Andro Sun 11-Sep-16 18:17:55

You appear to be the reasonable one here, have a wine and chill - hopefully the others will follow your lead.

FairyAccess Sun 11-Sep-16 18:23:14

YANBU. Turn up to the evening. Give a moderately nice gift. Smile and wave grin

Excellent advice.

user1469553305 Sun 11-Sep-16 18:28:42

Turn up looking smoking hot, making a point of making gushing congratulations to A, B, X and Y then have a fabulous time.

DeathStare Sun 11-Sep-16 18:39:40

Agree with every word Shockers said.

I think the adoption and addiction issues may not be issues for you but you aunt is clearly sensitive about it and you unwittingly her achilles heel.

Go to the evening do.

If you have supportive siblings get them to casually remark to your aunt that they were only expecting evening invites

MinonsMovie Sun 11-Sep-16 18:55:41

YANBU, YAB amazing! Send some of your chilled approach my way, what a great way to live life! halo

bumsexatthebingo Sun 11-Sep-16 19:07:17

It maybe is a bit petty (unless x is closer to the other siblings or they invited her to their whole weddings) but ime with family you should either invite all of a generation or none to the whole thing or just the evening or it causes offence regardless of closeness/favourites.
Did the aunt/cousins go to your evening do?

Fluffsnuts Sun 11-Sep-16 19:33:17

bumsexatthebingo no they didn't attend any of it. You'd have hated our guest list then, some aunts and uncles weren't invited, ones I'd not seen in 20 years and haven't seen since either. I don't believe in inviting people I've not seen in years at the cost of friends I see and speak with regularly.

Mine is the only wedding of this generation until now.

DeathStare yes, I know the adoption and substance misuse will be massive issues for my aunt, how couldn't they be, they are her kids. I was just saying that they have never influenced my attitude/ behaviour towards X & Y.

I've told my dad to be the bigger person, put on his suit and enjoy the day.

Fluffsnuts Sun 11-Sep-16 19:37:32

Oh, and my wedding was hastly planned due to DH's gran dying, meaning we were on a very tight budget and didn't have time to save for a bigger venue.

DivorceBadger Sun 11-Sep-16 19:49:44

I'd go and tell your dad he will look ridiculous if you are there and he isn't

Either don't go, or (as above), go with a nice gift and enjoy yourself and show your family how to behave properly.

honeysucklejasmine Sun 11-Sep-16 19:59:37

Can I check... is your Mum invited? It doesn't sound like it.

I totally agree with not inviting people you don't see, family or not.

A friend's family was split by a wedding due to the bride not inviting her aunt's teenage (NR, if it matters) stepchildren she'd never met. I don't know if the rifts have healed yet.

Workworkwork1 Sun 11-Sep-16 20:02:52

Oh wow this is exactly like a current drama I have for my wedding! Aunt and uncle have said they aren't coming a few weeks before though. I am petty enough to turn down an invite over it because they've lied to me and said it isn't X when it is X and we all know so. My parents and siblings have all said amongst themselves they will RSVP no to said cousin's wedding too.

In your shoes I wouldn't go. I'm not a fan of evening only do's though, too much hassle for just a few hours.

MissKatieVictoria Sun 11-Sep-16 20:06:35

I think your take on this is so refreshing.
I have so many family members i don't get on with or don't see that when i get married, virtually NONE of them will be invited. My dads family i see none of and haven't since i was a child. My (sadly deceased) mums family, basically all abandonned me when she died. I'll be inviting the ex wife of one of my cousins and their adult daughter because they are the only ones who stayed in touch. No grandparents, no aunties, no uncles, no cousins.
I know one aunt will throw a fit at not getting an invite, because she can't stand not being invited to EVERYTHING. She even expects get togethers and planned events to be rescheduled so she doesn't have to pick between two arrangements, even if it means several other people won't be able to attend.
At the end of the day, people are guests to someone elses event, what they are and aren't invited to is irrelevant to what others are or aren't invited to, as relationships with various people can be very different, as can situations with partners, children etc.
If you're happy to attendjust the evening, go, and tell your father that he and your siblings should attend which of the parts of the wedding they want to attend, regardless of you not being invited.
Your aunt/cousin is being petty/vengeful though, unless there absolutely wasn't money/space for one more guest it does sound like you weren't invited purely because they weren't invited to yours.

Mumoftwoyoungkids Sun 11-Sep-16 20:07:10

What Shockers said.

bumsexatthebingo Sun 11-Sep-16 20:17:57

If you never see them I think it's better not to invite at all that have 2 tiers of guest. Also not sure why you replied 'yes' to 'X's invitation in the first place? You never see the bride and she didn't bother attending your evening do. Surely you could have a cheaper and better evening out somewhere else?

RaeSkywalker Sun 11-Sep-16 20:23:36

You sound great OP!

You're exactly right- go to the evening and have a lovely time smile

TollgateDebs Sun 11-Sep-16 20:36:41

What you have described is the reason that DH and I got married on holiday, with no guests and no fuss! I saw the arguments and anger that other family members had with their weddings and decided that I would not even give them the chance to moan!

mumsiedarlingrevolta Sun 11-Sep-16 20:42:10

My first husband's family had a huge rift over some petty thing and his Mother and Uncle (brother and sister) didn't speak for years.
The Uncle's family did not come to our wedding.
Sadly my husband died of leukaemia not quite 5 years after our wedding, aged 29.
The Uncle and MIL mended the rift and Uncle came to my husbands funeral full of regret to have lost that time.
YNBU you have exactly the right attitude. These petty little rows can grow and grow and leave you full of regret.
Go, smile and have a blast. Life is too short...

Fluffsnuts Sun 11-Sep-16 22:14:55

honeysucklejasmine parents are divorced, so no, mum not invited.

bumsexatthebingo I see aunt and uncle, just not X & Y (grown up children who don't live at home). And I replied yes as me not going would cause more bother, plus it's local so won't cost much at all (just present, as already have a dress and I'll be driving and only really drink water).

TollgateDebs I dislike weddings generally but think it's rude if I turn down invitations, they are so bloomin important to other people. Including my DH, which is why I agreed to the big white number grin

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