to be upset about Grandma's name change?

(83 Posts)
crazycatz Sat 10-Sep-16 18:35:12

My DH is lucky enough to have a 96 year old Grandma who he is very close to and who has always been lovely to me. Her real name is Ivy but she has been know to friends and her husband (when he was alive) as Janet, since she was 16 and she and her best friend both decided to change their names. When I was pregnant with her first great grandchild she made me promise not to name the baby after her if it was a girl, because in her words she hated the name!! However when her granddaughter had her first child 18 months later she did call her Ivy after her Grandma and then she and her mum also started to call Grandma 'great grammy Ivy' I thought it was a bit odd. My kids have always just called her Grandma. Now she has gone into a home she is known as Ivy there and even her birthday invites say great grammy Ivy, I feel quite upset about it, it seems quite rude to change someones name like that esp as she has alzheimers. Any thoughts on this. she's kind of too confused to be upset about it herself now but it just seems mean to me!

bestofbothhovis Sat 10-Sep-16 18:37:10

The real question is why change from Ivy to Janet! Ivy is a lovely name

raviolidreaming Sat 10-Sep-16 18:37:59

This makes me really sad. Her name was and is Janet. sad

Arfarfanarf Sat 10-Sep-16 18:41:13

If i was your husband i would explain it to the staff and ask that they use the name she chose to go back.
It is not ok to take that away from her because due to dementia she cannot object.
In fact, it is downright disrespectful.

Arfarfanarf Sat 10-Sep-16 18:43:33

Ignore 'to go back'
Crap editing! 😂

SpeckledyBanana Sat 10-Sep-16 18:47:43

She's Janet. Tell the staff - her dementia makes this all the more important.

HarrietSchulenberg Sat 10-Sep-16 18:51:05

My grandma was known as Alice but it was her middle name, not first name. It was weird to hear the vicar at her funeral refer to her throughout by her real name.

SenecaFalls Sat 10-Sep-16 18:54:55

Ivy is a lovely name

Completely and entirely irrelevant. She should be called Janet. I think that other people changing her name to Ivy is deeply disrespectful and potentially harmful, considering her dementia.

x2boys Sat 10-Sep-16 18:55:35

Are the staff doing it because they can't be arsed reading her notes properly this always pissed me off with dh mum when she was in a home she was Frances known as Ann but the staff called her Frances hmmand nobody would challenge them I worked in dementia care for yrs and I always made a point asking what people preferred ad we had a surprising number of people who used a name other than their given name.

KermitRuffinsTrumpet Sat 10-Sep-16 18:56:00

I understand your sadness. This happened to my gran when she had Alzheimer's. Although she was baptised Elisabeth she had been known as Mabel since a new born baby. When she became unwell she had a period of having to be admitted to hospital and they would use her birth name of Elisabeth but would also shorten it to Liz. We felt this was not only disrespectful to her wishes but also confusing for her. She'd never been referred to as Elisabeth never mind Liz. By the time she was affected by Alzheimer's it would have been a totally alien name to her. I'm sure it felt frightening to have strangers call you by the wrong name. We did all we could to minimise it but we know it still happened.

It's very important to have awareness of and respect for a patient or client's prefered name in any care situation but there are further implications to someone with dementia.

Is there someone you can mention it too and voice your concern?

MitzyLeFrouf Sat 10-Sep-16 18:56:53

The real question is why change from Ivy to Janet! Ivy is a lovely name

No. That's not the real question at all.

She's chosen to be known as Janet for 80 years, she should continue to be called Janet. The staff at the home she's living in should be told this. And the family members who've started calling her Ivy need to be told to stop.

RainyDaisy Sat 10-Sep-16 18:57:39

Appalling

She's Janet. Tell the staff - her dementia makes this all the more important.

^ this, but more. BECAUSE of her Alzheimer's, I think it is truly appalling that she has no say in her name being changed to something its's not. Her nMe is Janet. this is an abuse of her vulnerability. And whilst it may not seem important to some. Her name was Janet for 80 years. Can think of no other word than appalling

fastdaytears Sat 10-Sep-16 18:57:40

You definitely need to talk to the staff about this. They're calling her someone else's name

KurriKurri Sat 10-Sep-16 18:58:07

If them calling her Grandma ivy came after her dementia started then it is will be very confusing for her.

How very odd that the grand daughter and her Mum (is she Grandma's daughter?) have decided to change her name.

And I do think the care home staff should be made aware of her preferred name - otherwise she won't be responding and it will blur the issue over how fast her dementia is progressing.

Yika Sat 10-Sep-16 18:58:53

Her name is Janet, she should be called Janet, it's not for other people to decide that she must be called her birth name.

RainyDaisy Sat 10-Sep-16 19:00:29

...By the time she was affected by Alzheimer's it would have been a totally alien name to her. I'm sure it felt frightening to have strangers call you by the wrong name. Sorry Kerry, that's terrible. You are more eloquent that I.

I agree 100% and feel so angry at Janet's story

RainyDaisy Sat 10-Sep-16 19:00:50

*Kermit

Olympiathequeen Sat 10-Sep-16 19:02:25

I think you should ask them to call her Janet if she has only recently gone into this home, but not if she's been called ivy for months, it may confuse her further.

eurochick Sat 10-Sep-16 19:05:56

As to "why change?".. .

The name change thing was quite common for that generation. My 90 year old gran is officially Dorothy and my grandad called her Dot but many other people called her Jackie. She was working in a factory with several Dorothies and they were asked to choose other names for convenience.

Goingtobeawesome Sat 10-Sep-16 19:06:39

I suspect the mum of baby Ivy wants some kind of recognition for naming her baby after great grandma - in her own mind as great grandma is Janet, not ivy, so hence calling GG Ivy. Unkind when she asked that the baby not be named Ivy.

Gwenhwyfar Sat 10-Sep-16 19:07:30

"If i was your husband i would explain it to the staff and ask that they use the name she chose to go back. "

Isn't this the job of the closest relatives i.e. Janet's own children rather than her grandchildren if they are still alive, or her siblings if still alive and aware.

Is the mum of the granddaughter who started calling her Ivy also Janet's daughter? If so, I don't see how the grandson and granddaughter in law can intervene against the wishes of closer relatives?

coconutpie Sat 10-Sep-16 19:09:04

This is awful. I would be telling staff at the nursing home that her name is Janet and I would also be telling her granddaughter to stop calling her by the wrong name, how disrespectful. The poor woman sad

KermitRuffinsTrumpet Sat 10-Sep-16 19:09:24

Thank you rainy. It was very upsetting.

An abuse of vulnerability is spot on.

(Tish and pish to being more eloquent smile )

diddl Sat 10-Sep-16 19:12:05

I'm assuming that the family of "baby" Ivy have told the care home that that is her name?

I wonder why she didn't want your baby naming after her?

Presumably it was the Ivy she meant & not the Janet?

If she thought of herself as Janet, I'm wondering why it would bother her to have a GGD called Ivy?

Gwenhwyfar Sat 10-Sep-16 19:15:16

" I would be telling staff at the nursing home that her name is Janet"

As granddaughter in law, would you really? I would never intervene in my grandmother's care, that is the job of my father and his siblings.

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