To not let exh back in my flat

(61 Posts)
GettingScaredNow Sat 10-Sep-16 13:14:58

I'm not. But I'm coming under massive pressure here. And looking for a bit of encouragement I guess!

Back ground is he was a miserable narcissistic EA manipulative husband.
He threatened to kill me so I had him arrested and he hasn't been back in my flat since.
That was all 8 weeks ago.
He has had contact with DC, nothing is completely set yet as struggling to agree contact schedule.
He is supposed to be seeing ds today. He usually picks them up and takes them out somewhere. Park, soft play etc.
He won't take them to his flat share as he says it isn't clean, he has seen rats in the garden and he doesn't know the other tenants well enough.

So today it's raining. He is putting me under pressure to come and play with ds here.
Saying it's not fair that I have been away all week and now when he finally gets a chance to see his son he can't cos it's raining and I'm being selfish and stopping him seeing his kids.

I think I've gone above and beyond by giving him several examples of local free indoor stuff to do and said as long as his room is clean then I don't see the issue with ds going there.

Just venting I guess and also looking for someone to stop me breaking my resolve.

JellyBelli Sat 10-Sep-16 13:16:05

Dont let him in. Its not anyone elses decision to make.

ImperialBlether Sat 10-Sep-16 13:17:15

How old are the children? He could take them to soft play, as you say, or maybe to the cinema and McDonalds if they're old enough.

Personally I think anyone who threatens to kill you isn't owed any favours whatsoever.

CatThiefKeith Sat 10-Sep-16 13:17:17

Why can't he take them to soft play/swimming/cinema/library?

Lilaclily Sat 10-Sep-16 13:17:21

You need a legal contact order in place asap
Did you record his threat to the police ?

GettingScaredNow Sat 10-Sep-16 13:17:22

Forgot to say, contact centres have been suggested but he is unwilling. I've pointed out many times that once the wet colder weather is here he is going to find it expensive/impossible to always take the DC somewhere instead of where he lives. But he is essentially oppositional to any suggestion/point made.

He says he can't take ds to soft play etc today as he is having read financial difficulties my fault for taking so much money in maintenance

CoconutAndVanilla Sat 10-Sep-16 13:17:30

Sorry to hear what you've been through flowers

He threatened to kill me

I really don't understand why you're asking us that question?

Lilaclily Sat 10-Sep-16 13:18:15

Where does he live& why can't he take them there ?

GettingScaredNow Sat 10-Sep-16 13:18:17

*real not read.

Usually he does do soft play/swimming/cinema etc.

TheGruffaloMother Sat 10-Sep-16 13:18:25

He has absolutely no right over your home. Looks like he'll have to move somewhere suitable to have children like all other parents have to!

Crispbutty Sat 10-Sep-16 13:18:42

Soft play is undercover. Tell him to go there. The child won't melt in the rain either.

JellyBelli Sat 10-Sep-16 13:19:17

The fact that he is putting you under pressure to let him in is the only reason you need to say No.

Say No, and stick to that. Dont give him any explanations. He already knows why he;s not welcome.

GettingScaredNow Sat 10-Sep-16 13:21:03

Realised I have complicated this thread by leaving out the most important point today which is he has no money. My op doesn't make sense without that piece of info! Sorry, unintentional drop feed there!

RandomMess Sat 10-Sep-16 13:22:12

Broken record technique "that's not my problem" or "use a contact centre then"

Just pick one sentence/solution and repeat and do not deviate - most of all stop speaking with him and insist on texts/email as it documents his harassment.

RandomMess Sat 10-Sep-16 13:23:35

"Ds loves a walk in the rain"

creativevoid Sat 10-Sep-16 13:23:58

His house, his money, what to with the DC when he has them - none of these are your problems. Just disengage. You are under no obligation to have a normal, reasonable supportive relationship with someone who threatens to kill you, is manipulative and controlling. Just step away. The answer is no. Trust me, I have been there and disengaging is the best thing you can do.

TheGruffaloMother Sat 10-Sep-16 13:23:58

Not complicated at all...whether he has money or not still isn't your problem!

MissMoo22 Sat 10-Sep-16 13:24:12

The library is free, send him there. Don't let him in today or he'll just expect it at other times. Stay strong or you won't get this man to see you aren't being manipulated by him and his shitty excuses.

JellyBelli Sat 10-Sep-16 13:24:28

Are you looking for support for letting him back in? If not, why keep asking?

GettingScaredNow Sat 10-Sep-16 13:29:49

Everything is done by text as I found it was he only way to stop the abuse as he won't do it in a way where he will get caught.

Anyway, he has now decided he won't see da this afternoon! So problem solved itself in one way. Although I think it's unacceptable to bitch about me 'taking them away from their dad' and then deciding not to see them at all cos of rain!

He thinks rain makes you cold and then unwell cos cold+wet=flu.

george1020 Sat 10-Sep-16 13:30:37

Really don't let him in! Sounds like he is making excuses to try and get a foot in the door!
If you do it will just escalate and snowball.
There are plenty of things he can do with DC raining or not and TBH it's not your problem.

clam Sat 10-Sep-16 13:31:50

Well, no, I don't think you're being selfish, but even if you were, it's not half as bad as his behaviour which prompted you to kick him out. So he's kind of going to have to lump it, really, isn't he? And learn the lesson that bad behaviour has an impact on others.

GettingScaredNow Sat 10-Sep-16 13:32:44

Jelly - I don't understand your last response at all.
I don't keep asking. I asked for encouragement to keep my resolve and NOT let him in. Also he always manages to make out like I'm the unreasonable one and I'm really struggling at times to stay strong and not give in.
Cos he brushes aside the abuse and threats and everything that happened in our marriage and makes it all sound like I'm being silly.

GettingScaredNow Sat 10-Sep-16 13:35:15

Thanks for supportive posts.
Might sound like I'm stupid and weak or some thing but when I'm sat here under pressure and I have to keep saying no and my made to feel like I'm being obstructive and refusing access it's difficult to maintain that level headedness.
And I find MN a really useful tool for checking myself.

JellyBelli Sat 10-Sep-16 13:35:57

Why did you think him having no money would change peoples answers?
If he has no money, if his leg fell off, its not your problem. you dont let him in.

Have you talked this over with someone like Womens Aid? They can offer all kinds of help.
0808 2000 247
www.womensaid.org.uk/?gclid=CLTFlMWzgs8CFQaNGwod4qgDMQ

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