To name my DD1 myself?

(51 Posts)
bumbleclat Sat 10-Sep-16 06:18:43

I have just lost my dear mum to cancer 4 weeks ago and during one of the many long drives to the hospital to see her, a very random lovely name came to me (incidentally nothing resembling my mum's name) it is quite different but, because I'm a teacher I need something that I don't associate with the little darlings in my class.

DH already has a DD, him and his ex had such a long stand off over names that DSD didn't have a name for the first 3 weeks of her life.

The middle part of the name I want, is my sister's name and the forename is something very lovely but different.

I feel a bit selfish trying to get my own way on this one but I just absolutely adore the name and now feel that I couldn't be happy with anything else.

DH hasn't really kicked up a fuss about it and is certainly accepting of the first name I've chosen but it feels a bit unlike the usual dynamic of our RL where we compromise and are fair.

But (my side) I'm the one carrying her for 9 months, hindering my career prospects, going through labour and birth and he already has a DD, whereas this is my first.

I just want to be able to call my daughter what I want but really don't know if Im being unreasonable, please help me out!

Thank you.

Knittinglikemad Sat 10-Sep-16 06:22:22

My ExH & I agreed that if it was a girl I got to name her & a boy he chose ( this was back in the days before scans could tell the sex, so we had to wait till they popped out to see what we had lol) My DSD is due our granddaughter in just over a week & she picked her name herself.

MyKingdomForBrie Sat 10-Sep-16 06:22:23

I can't see the AIBU?! He has accepted the name - job done! It's only unfair if he says no and you insist on it.

TwoNoisyBoys Sat 10-Sep-16 06:23:37

Call her the name you love and be glad your husband isn't demanding weeks of arguments and debates! (Like my ExH!) 😄
Make the most of it, and enjoy your beautiful little DD.
flowers And sorry to hear about your mum

Imaginosity Sat 10-Sep-16 06:23:57

flowers sorry about your mum.

I think YABU about the name. The baby is your DH's too. I'm also pregnant and trying to think of names and waiting until we finally find one we agree on. I've had to let lots of what I feel are lovely names ago if DH doesn't like them - and he's had to do the same if I don't like them.

I've had a difficult pregnant and felt very unwell. DH will be doing his part throughout the life of the child so I don't feel like I'm more of a parent than he is or that I have more rights over it.

Booboostwo Sat 10-Sep-16 06:24:42

I am very sorry for your loss.

YABU and you probably know it. Your DD has two parents and they both deserve to name her. However I am not sure what your DH thinks of the name? If he has agreed on it what is the problem?

bumbleclat Sat 10-Sep-16 06:27:02

Well he has accepted the first name but I initially said he could choose the middle name but he came up with a very boring name that I felt he was just choosing arbitrarily because his daughter liked it. It's the very plain name of my uni friend and my cousin and doesn't interest me at all.
I think the forename Ive chosen needs to have a one syllable name after it which my sister has and I love the idea of my baby being connected to her auntie in that way.

If he's accepted your first choice, then you should accept his choice of middle name - that is the compromise and fairness that you mentioned you wanted in the original post.

bumbleclat Sat 10-Sep-16 06:36:56

Thank you.
I just wonder whether departing from my usual fairness on this one point over the course of our RL will be that damaging?

I mean, there are plenty f things that are not in away way fair about the sacrifices women have to make when they have children. e.g. men's careers rocketing while women's plummet, my body being essentially damaged whilst his stays the same etc.

I know he isn't inflicting these sacrifices on me but I'm still having to make them and take one or two for the team.

If he likes the first name and agrees that's fine. However she's his daughter too so he should have an input into her name.
Are you going to expect him to be a hands on 50/50 split between you parent. Then you need to treat him as such from the beginning. Sorry but I think the 'I carried the baby for 9 months and gave birth' argument is quite frankly bullshit.

NewIdeasToday Sat 10-Sep-16 06:47:41

You're having a presumably much wanted baby together. This isn't about sacrifices. Why not wait till the baby is born to decide on a name - once you're cuddling the baby together things will hopefully flow more naturally.

bumbleclat Sat 10-Sep-16 06:52:30

Thanks. I'm happy to be wrong, hence why Im on here asking for objectivity. As you can imagine losing my mum whilst being 6 months pregnant has fuzzed up my view a bit.
Thanks, I'll try to drop it and let him name her too.

ConvincingLiar Sat 10-Sep-16 06:52:36

Whose surname will the baby have?

I think you're nbu to choose the first name as he appears happy with it. Someone has to come up with it first. There is scope for compromise on the middle name. Wait until the baby arrives.

bumbleclat Sat 10-Sep-16 06:57:40

The baby will have DH's surname.

thepurplehen Sat 10-Sep-16 07:00:37

Why not have two middle names?

Nobody bothers much about middle names after babyhood anyway, so I wouldn't worry too much.

Mypurplecaravan Sat 10-Sep-16 07:02:18

Yes you have the harder journey ahead. But be fair that isn't his choice.

You both had the option to adopt or use a surrogate but chose to have your own natural child.

Your attitude over the name sounds like 'this is my daughter. I'm the only parent who matters. I have the right to pick a name' and if that attitude come across in real life he may feel he has no option to agree to your favoured name. And if all major decisions are your because you are the one with the hardest lot. Don't be surprised if he checks out of caring.

Or has he agreed because he likes the name?

Mypurplecaravan Sat 10-Sep-16 07:02:53

Ah cross posting

FrancisCrawford Sat 10-Sep-16 07:20:26

I agree that he should have equal input in choosing the names.
Why not let him choose the middle name? Most people don't use their middle name in day to day life.
The baby is equally yours and his, despite the fact that only you carried her and gave birth to her. He is still her father.

Choosing a middle name he does not want and which is the name of your sister does seem unfair.

WhateverWillBe Sat 10-Sep-16 07:23:23

YABVU and V unfair.

If you like a name, suggest it to him and throw it into the pot of possible names along with any he likes.

You should BOTH choose. How would you feel if the situation was reversed and he insisted on having a particular name?

reallyanotherone Sat 10-Sep-16 07:26:59

Same happened to me. Told dh the name, he liked it, job done.

Only unfair if he hated it and you go ahead anyway.

Eebahgum Sat 10-Sep-16 07:31:07

I think your first name is agreed upon and you're both happy. That's the most important thing. I think middle name needs more discussion. Very few people will even know middle name so it's not that important and a good place to compromise with dh - but if you hate his idea say so & see what else he suggests. Or have 2 middle names like pp suggested.

Kungfupandaworksout16 Sat 10-Sep-16 08:49:10

You know your are being a tad unreasonable (hormones probably aren't helping) that's why you are trying to list reasons of why you have more of a say. He's agreed to the first name that's good but the middle name bit isn't fair.
have you tried writing down names you like then swap the list each of you wrote and mark down the ones you like and go from there?

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad Sat 10-Sep-16 08:56:56

I don't think YABU.
He has agreed to it - can't see what the issue is.
My much loved only sister died while I was pregnant. We were choosing girls' names and I suggested using her first name as a middle name. My (now ex) H categorically refused - I never forgave him. Be grateful and appreciative that your DH is being more sensitive.

Booboostwo Sat 10-Sep-16 11:13:41

He has agreed to the first name and you offered him the choice of the second name but now you want to take it back? Also you sound a bit dismissive of your DSD's choice of middle name but then seem very attracted to a special middle name to bond the baby with your sister. Your DSD will be your DD's sister, allowing her to help with the choice of middle name is a nice way of acknowledging that.

thebakerwithboobs Sat 10-Sep-16 11:19:38

Agree with pp that actually the person whose opinion should count most on the middle name is your step daughter who is will love to be involved and feel important. Very difficult dynamic, potentially, giving a sister or brother to a step child. Let her be as involved as possible and if there is a middle name she likes, go with it. From what you've said, it's inoffensive if dull-it's not like she wants a Princess Consuela Bananahammock or anything. And as others have said, two middle names is another option.

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