To think she should just grow up?

(15 Posts)
Fortitudine Fri 09-Sep-16 08:42:14

Our team at work has four new bosses and one of them has a birthday soon. One of the other bosses brought a card round, along with a warning not to make any jokes about her age as it's a landmark birthday, and apparently she's not dealing with it very well, and has been upset and in tears at the thought of it.

AIBU to think that a) she should grow the fuck up? And b) the other boss maybe has an agenda of her own in telling everyone this?

It doesn't help that I already had this woman down as a bit ditsy. And even worse, I personally thought that she was about 9 years older than the age she is about to turn - I suppose in that respect I won't at least put my foot in it by congratulating her on turning 50 when she's about to turn 40!

Amandahugandkisses Fri 09-Sep-16 08:43:24

Do you understand the word empathy?

SweeneyAstray Fri 09-Sep-16 08:49:13

I have no patience with people - by which I suppose I mean women - weeping at turning 40, or being desperately coy about their ages. Yes, women are still socialised to think their youth and looks are among their most important qualities, but I had hoped feminism had made us realise what patriarchal bullshit that is.

However, in your circumstances, I would be wondering about the agenda of the colleague who is circulating the card and making the birthday colleague look unprofessional and deeply silly. If I were a newly-appointed senior figure, I would be unimpressed that a colleague had told the people I was managing about something personal.

Fortitudine Fri 09-Sep-16 08:50:09

I should perhaps add that this boss was the instigator of a swathe of cuts and redundancies at my company and has a reputation as being ruthless, which is why everyone is a bit bemused at being warned not to upset her about her age!

MLGs Fri 09-Sep-16 08:52:56

Yes I wonder if the other boss is trying o undermine her too!

LineyReborn Fri 09-Sep-16 08:57:18

The boss with the card and the agenda is a twat.

The restructuring boss who doesn't know about any of this nasty stuff going on amongst the rest of you doesn't need to 'grow up' because she is an adult doing her job.

whywonthedgehogssharethehedge Fri 09-Sep-16 09:00:50

Definately office politics crap. Sign the card, smile then get on with your life. I wouldn't take it as gospel that's she's even upset. It could easily be other boss trying to make her look weak and vulnerable for whatever reason.

Birdsgottafly Fri 09-Sep-16 09:08:01

""I have no patience with people - by which I suppose I mean women - weeping at turning 40, ""

It depends on the circumstances behind it. I know of two Women who are really conserned about entering their late 30's because they desperately want children and haven't found Partners.

My eldest DD is in her early 30's and she thought they'd be ttc by now, but a load of refinances on both sides, mean it can't happen. This tainted turning 30 and I know they both "feel" getting older now.

I don't have a problem with aging, I'm 48, but I hate the "jokes", which tend to be the opposite of how I am/feel and often are very sexist.

Witchend Fri 09-Sep-16 09:23:15

I don't have a problem with being old (or ancient as ds kindly puts it)
However ime people that do get upset about an age often there is more to it than that. They're wanting children and realising it's unlikely to happen; their mum died at that age; they realise they're too old for something else they always thought/wanted to do.

However there is also the chance of the boss either trying to undermine her; or thinking he's being funny; or thinks that without any evidence.

And then there's the possibility of her being a total drama queen and wanting sympathy etc.

MrsJayy Fri 09-Sep-16 09:30:02

It all sounds so dramatic and bitchy the woman is crying about being 40 the boss is relishing in her misery and dont mention it draws attention to it and you op thought she was turning 50 all such a hooha about age

R2G Fri 09-Sep-16 09:31:46

I have lots of friends who were upset turning a landmark birthday. One meant that she had only a few years left to try IVF with a new partner... she had not met one yet and only had her ex husbands frozen embryos which he would not permission her to use, which is fair enough but he left her because he got someone else pregnant. So tough landmark for her as not where she wanted to be.
Another was upset as it now meant that she was older than her sister when she died from cancer.
Another because her boyfriend had not asked her to marry him and she had a bit of a mental block about getting married at that age.
A family member did not like everybody knowing her age, because people could than deduce that her mum had her at 14. This was no problem to anyone else, but something that she herself struggled with and felt protective towards her mother.
Sign the card, don't mention the age 'are you doing anything nice for your birthday'. Maybe she didnt think at 40 she would be a corporate executioner and it has been a trying time for her.
Colleague with the card is indescreet and has an agenda and is disrespectful to boot.

gamerwidow Fri 09-Sep-16 09:35:31

This is extremely unprofessional of the boss who is bringing round the card. Even if the manager turning 40 is upset I don't believe for a second the other manager is telling everyone about it out of concern. They are deliberately trying to make her look weak and foolish. I wouldn't judge the manager with the birthday because of this.

Chikara Fri 09-Sep-16 09:40:55

So youlisten to gossip - which may or may not be true, (Boss could be saying to other colleagues that "Fortitudine is a bit bolshy - not taking these changes very well - kid gloves around her!") - and you think that other colleague should "Grow the fuck up!" ???

You also had other colleague down as "ditsy" hmm - Poor woman no wonder she doesn't want her birthday made a fuss of. I'd hate it if people whom I knew to have a very low opinion of me all fussed around with fake smiles and congratulations just watching for the next thing that I might say or do that could be passed on as gossip. She probably prefers to celebrate her birthday with friends and family. FWIW - I never mention my birthday at work.

Does not sound like a great place to work OP.

MrsJayy Fri 09-Sep-16 09:55:16

Oh yeah forgot about the ditzy it sounds a horrible place to work lots of gossiping and sniggering

corythatwas Fri 09-Sep-16 10:07:36

Mid-life crises are not exactly unknown in the male sex either.

But agree that the gossiping and general tone of this workplace do not sound pleasant.

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