AIBH (Hormonal)?

(15 Posts)
Obliviated Thu 08-Sep-16 12:29:17

Please be gentle, I have a tiny newborn and think I've just hit the day 3 hormone crash.

I have no idea if I'm being hormonal or unreasonable so hoping to gather your thoughts.

I have children from a previous relationship. Dp is a fantastic step father, his family treat them well, all good. No issues there.

We now have a brand new snuggly baby. DP's mum is coming to visit for the first time, she's excited as you'd expect and says she can't wait to be called grandma again. Her other grandchildren call her grandma, it seems important to her.

My children call their grandmother 'nanny' and also call DP's mum 'nanny'. Its never been mentioned, it's just the way it is.

But now it feels like her real grandchildren have to call her grandma and as my dc aren't biologically hers it doesn't matter if they use nanny instead. It feels like new baby is officially her grandchild so has to call her grandma.

There's been little niggley type things on fb in the past, memes about how she loves having two grandchildren (which doesn't include my DC), and 'if you have a grandson you love' share this meme type crap with her comment saying she is so proud of <grandsons name>. Never an acknowledgement of my DC. I've never mentioned anything about it as it's fb and seems ridiculous to do so.

But today I am sad for my DC. I'm not even sure why really. I have to say that dps mother is a lovely lady, doesn't interfere, always pleasant, I enjoy her company, and she always makes the effort to bring birthday cards etc for my dc. When we see her she spends time playing with them and they all get a long really well.

I'm not even sure what I'm asking blush

Brankolium Thu 08-Sep-16 12:45:28

Essentially, I'd want all of YOUR children to be treated the same because you, DP and your DC are one family and it would foster an unhealthy "proper grandchild" dynamic between the siblings.

But if we're talking about additional GC from a BIL/SIL then I wouldn't be too bothered (personally), especially if she's generally great with your DC. Perhaps keep a gentle eye on things to make sure she isn't inadvertently pushing your older DC to the side, but it doesn't sound like she's done anything to be upset by to me.

Brankolium Thu 08-Sep-16 12:47:30

Oh, and big congratulations on your baby! flowers

Obliviated Thu 08-Sep-16 12:50:11

I think it's just that my DC will be calling her nanny, and youngest new baby (of mine and DP) will have to call her grandma, like her other (biological) grandchildren do. So it's a very obvious dividing line between my DC. It just probably hasn't occurred to her that it looks wrong.

mrsnec Thu 08-Sep-16 12:50:49

Congratulations op!

I am sure you are doing fine. I'm not sure what you are asking either but I thought I'd give you my experience in case there is anything you can take from it.

My mum has 2 biological grandchildren. She has 1 step great grandchild, 4 step grandchildren and another 4 as well because my dsb has stepchildren. If someone asks if she has any grabdchildren she'll often say 2 if she is with me whereas my dsf will correct her and say we have 13 between us.

They all call my mum Nanny. Some of them use her first name too because some of them have 4 or 5 nannys.

When I wasn't sure if I could have children or not it upset me. Everyone understood why though.

I think stepfamilies can be complicated anyway and I do feel there is a pecking order but I know my parents try to please everyone.

I am sad that my dc have to share my mum with so many but I'm not sure if that's what you mean. Either way, all normal.

Ninasimoneinthemorning Thu 08-Sep-16 12:52:46

It's both flowers

I really don't envy you at this moment as my day three was wretched.

I'd insist this one calls her by nanny - like all your kids. It shouldn't matter as me and my cousin has differnt names for our nan - with regards to her other DGC.

With your mil though, even though she will genuinly care about your DC she will always love her blood grandkids more. It's just nature. She just has to make sure it's not visable to your children as that's when it becomes an issue.

just push for her to keep being called nanny. And try and ignore the memes.

Have you got any nice cake or chocolate in? I hate day three!

Brankolium Thu 08-Sep-16 12:53:18

It probably hasn't.

Maybe: "Would you prefer them to all call you Nanny or all call you Grandma? It'll get confusing to have two names!" said in a cheerful voice so she doesn't think you're having a go.

DontBuyANewMumCashmere Thu 08-Sep-16 12:56:03

Could you just get everyone to call her Grandma, this will help not exclude them plus will be easier to differentiate between nanny and grandma.

DontBuyANewMumCashmere Thu 08-Sep-16 12:56:23

PS Congratulations! flowers

Ninasimoneinthemorning Thu 08-Sep-16 12:56:49

I wouldn't even give her the option and the possibility of opening a convo up about why she wants the new one to call her granny.

For me it would just be

'Ah baby's gonna call you nanny like the rest of them' cheery voice grin

Mybugslife Thu 08-Sep-16 12:59:59

Congrats smile

I agree with pp that you should cheerfully ask wether she would like all your DC to call her grandma.

I feel where your coming from, I'm pg atm and have a DD from a previous relationship and a DS with my fiancé, but sadly he was born at 21 weeks. My MIL keeps saying how she can't wait to be a granny! Every time I want to poke her in the eye! She already is a granny....to 2!!!

Farmmummy Thu 08-Sep-16 13:03:37

flowers cakechocolate all needed for day 3 and congratulations on your new snuggly ba! I agree with pp who say cheery voiced "oh no new baby will stick with nanny too"

reallyanotherone Thu 08-Sep-16 14:28:44

Ask her what her preferred name is, re grandma/nanny, and ask the kids what they're happy with.

My sdc call my mum by her first name. They have two grandma's/nannys, so they prefer not to call my mum by a name usually reserved for a grandparent. Same way as I'm not mum, they have one and don't need another, or my dc wouldn't call dh's ex's mum nanny just because their siblings do.

Blended families are complicated, and I think relationships are best left to evolve naturally rather than force roles on people. As long as your dh's mum treats them well the relationship will grow with time.

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair Thu 08-Sep-16 14:42:20

Congratulations OP!

If it's any use I would think your baby will probably call her the same as your older DCs, just because that's how she's referred to in your house. And it's not like the baby is going to be talking to her any time soon!

Obliviated Fri 09-Sep-16 11:51:19

She came, it was fine. I'm not entirely sure what I was rambling about tbh, I didn't really remember even writing the post until I reread it blush. I'll blame lack of sleep.

Thank you all.

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