Or is DH regarding distant family wedding?

[WeddingWoes101]

NC as this is outing. Very long and probably confusing.

Some background:
DFIL and DStepMumIL had very little contact with DSMIL’s sister, they didn’t get along when children, so they just stayed out of each others lives which is fair enough.
DSMIL’s sister has been regretting not making much of an effort as she is now all over them(last year or so), they humour her but keep her at arms length obviously still making the effort at family events etc.
DH’s 2 brothers all think DSMIL’s sister is a bit of a twit, only met her twice however in the 10 or so years DFIL and DSMIL have been married.

Anyway, DSMIL’s sister and new man are getting married soonish, DH’s brothers and partners are going, and our Niece and Nephew are flower girl/page boy at the wedding. We had decided once we got the invite back in June that we wouldn’t go, as DH wasn’t particularly bothered, it’s 2h30 mins drive there and also we have just bought a new house, so we didn’t really think we would have the money for hotel/drinks. It is during the week too and me and DH don’t have a lot of holiday left at work, so after DFIL raising concern that he was a little upset we weren’t going, we did discuss again but came to the same agreement, declined invitation and left it at that.

Since then we have been to a small family gathering where it was spoken about, so DH and I did discuss again whether it was worth going on the way home from said family event, but again came to the same conclusions, a lot of miles, didn’t have the money for the hotel and it wasn’t worth it as we don’t actually know them that well! Little sad to be missing out on seeing the rest of the family, but it wasn’t worth it for us.

Anyway, last night DH went to DFIL's for dinner, I was working late so unfortunately couldn’t make it. He’s come home and told me that he is now going to the wedding on his own. DFIL told him that his mother could no longer make it as she was having issues with her hip and struggling with walking etc. so she didn’t think it was suitable. So there is now another space at the wedding, and did DH want to go now before he told DSMIL’s Sister that his mother could no longer go. DH said yes, actually he could take the time off work, and since I have the most fuel efficient car, he would drop me at work, get my DM to pick me up after work to go to hers, and he would pick me up late that night on his way home from the wedding. Apparently he did ask if there was another seat for me, but as only one person was cancelling we couldn’t both go.

AIBU to be absolutely fuming by this? We spoke 3 or 4 times privately about the fact it just didn’t work to go, and a couple of times with DFIL and DSDMIL and declined the invitation. He’s come home and doesn’t understand why I’m pretty upset, the fact that he is going on his own now, therefore he has completely defied anything we ever decide together if his DFIL can persuade him otherwise.

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

YABU - why does it matter if he goes with his dad? People are entitled to change their minds.

[IwannaSnorlax]

I don't see the issue with him going now either so think YABU too. Sorry!

[blueskyinmarch]

Possibly your DH just wants to go to be supportive of his DF now that his DSM cannot go.

[2014newme]

The circumstances have changed. He is going to accompany his dad. You didn't want to go anyway.
What is problem?
Also what is dsMil?

[SandyY2K]

I think it would have been courteous to discuss with you first. He's also decided to take your car and put your mum down to pick you up without checking in advance. That would really tick me off.

Why can't you drive his car to work?

YANBU

[Ameliablue]

Did you previously discuss him going alone or was it never considered?

[2014newme]

Also this "distant" wedding is only 2.5 hours away? So not really that far

[SquidgyRedBall]

Nothing wrong with him going alone, I would be pissed off that he said he was taking your car and had assumed your mum could pick you up and that you would be happy going to your mums until he came back to pick you up.

[NickiFury]

"Absolutely fuming". You sound controlling. This is not a situation that should make you "absolutely fuming". Mild irritation and confusion at the very most.

[Rosae]

I get it. You made a family decision and then he changed it without discussion. If he was going I would want to go too or at least discuss whether one or both of you would. You are a family unit. Though I also understand him wanting to support his dad. Though it sounds like it's his mum who will be the one stuck at home alone in need of company.

[PansyGiraffe]

I really wouldn't give a damn in your situation really - it would have been nice if he'd said, "So I was thinking I'd do x, is it ok if you spend your evening with your mum and I'll collect you on the way home?" (as that's the only bit that really affects you) but assuming you get on well with your mum and do spend the evening with her anyway sometimes, so no special deal, that wouldn't really bother me in the slightest. I DEFINITELY wouldn't care he was going to a wedding I didn't want to go to!

[LetsJunglyJumpToIt]

I think he should have spoke to you first but seeing as you're at work it doesn't really affect you in any way.

[TheNaze73]

I really don't see the problem here. YABU

[lastqueenofscotland]

YABU

[BaronessBomburst]

I would be a bit put out that he didn't run it by me first to double check it was convenient, but other than that, fine.
It's his family, he's stepping in to represent his mum, and to accompany his dad.

[NickiFury]

The term "family unit" really bugs me. As though you are now a robot that must suppress all personal will to serve the greater good . Does OP even have kids? They're just a couple where one of them changed their mind after a discussion with another family member not a "unit".

[BarbarianMum]

Not seeing the problem either. You weren't keen to go and are still not going, he wasn't keen to go and now is. Meh.

[SandyY2K]

We didn’t really think we would have the money for hotel/drinks. It is during the week too and me and DH don’t have a lot of holiday left at work.

● So he's found the money for drinks now. I assume he's not drinking as he's driving now. Is that so?
● He's fine paying for the fuel that was too much before.
● Is he staying in the hotel still?
● He's managed a day off work too

I hope when you change your mind on something previously agreed, he'll be fine about it.

[HarryPottersMagicWand]

I'd be annoyed that it was assumed he could take your car and have your mum pick you up from work, you sit around at your mums after a day at work, waiting for him to turn up to collect you (has he even bothered to ask your mum btw? She could he busy that day) which could be pretty late I imagine, all without actually putting it forward to me first so I can see why you are annoyed.

Do you also think it now looks like you were the driving force behind the original decline and DH was going along with you and now a space has opened up, your DH has jumped to take it before you 'can tell him no' iyswim? That's what struck me from your post.

[HarryPottersMagicWand]

And what sandy said.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I get where you're coming from. DH is from overseas and we planned our summer holiday last year around going to the christening of distant cousins children. DH also went to these peoples wedding without me. The parents of the b&g were cousins, who backed out of coming to our wedding after we'd committed some costs to them coming - which they didn't pay. So it did frustrate me somewhat especially as DH and I in the past made massive efforts with all his family, not just these people. It is all very one sided and was even when we lived an hour or so away.

It is your dhs choice and he is supporting his father. I also do think it is nice to catch up with family and much as my dhs family members seem wrapped up in their own lives, he is happy he made the effort. If we all decide it is too much bother to see x y or z second cousin or whatever, no one will ever make an effort and everyone will lose contact, which is a shame.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Oh I missed that it is 2.5 hours away . I'm talking about another country. Yabu.

[Buck3t]

HarryPotters and Sandy have hit the nail on the head as far as I can tell.
It would annoy me that he didn't firm up details with me. It looks to me like he was talked into it and if he can now afford the lost holiday, the money for drinks (even if not alcohol I'm sure he'll buy rounds) etc, it does make it look as though you were talking him into not going.

At the same time I also think you should have thought of him going on his own. My DH and I do this all the time, usually, cause I need time between outings with the inlaws.

[JudyCoolibar]

I agree you have cause to be unhappy. If he previously accepted that it was too expensive and that it didn't justify using his limited holiday allowance on it, it's difficult to see why that has changed. Taking a day or two out for this means he has less time to spend with your family. I also don't understand why the in laws are so keen for you to go given that they don't get on with DSMIL's sister anyway.

I also would be seriously pissed off with an announcement that he was going to take my car without asking me; on any interpretation, the whole arrangement sounds a lot of faff, and just deciding that your mother will pick you up and you will spend an evening with her till whatever hour he turns up to collect you is extremely high-handed. It doesn't seem to occur to you that after a hard day's work you might want to go straight home and chill out and have an early night.