To be furious with my brother and sister-in-law

(43 Posts)
worldsworstchildren Thu 08-Sep-16 10:08:21

This will probably out me but I'm so annoyed. My DM hasn't seen my DNs for several months, despite them only living half hour away. My DB has over the years backed off from seeing any of us unless it's on their terms or for their children's birthdays when we're all expected to jump to it. All attempts at visiting and/or invitations for meals are either refused or accepted but then cancelled at last minute. At the same time sil bemoans facts that her kids miss their cousins. In summer holidays I tried to arrange to meet up but that came to nothing. Fast forward to last week when my DM arranged to visit them on Monday evening, this was cancelled on the day. My sil said she would visit my mum on the Tuesday but cancelled on the day. Neither could do the Wednesday so Thurs evening was agreed upon. My DM went up to their house, my DN let her in, put the kettle on, chatted away while his siblings were in other room on computer. When my DM asked where their mum was she was told "her and my dad have gone out for the night" ! My mum didn't make any fuss and stayed for about an hour with children (eldest is mid teens so was in charge of other two) and then went home.
My mother is always quite docile about these things but I am furious! How rude, how ignorant. I am tempted to send an angry text to them both, although I know it won't do any good. But I certainly won't be keeping in touch anymore. Just needed to rant angry

situatedknowledge Thu 08-Sep-16 10:10:32

YANBU that is hideous.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret Thu 08-Sep-16 10:10:54

They sound like real charmers. I wouldn't bother with the text, it won't get through to them.

Your poor DM.

FlyingElbows Thu 08-Sep-16 10:13:51

Yes you should definitely send them angry self important texts telling them you expect them to do what you want. That'll do wonders for your relationship! Don't be that Sil.

mrsfuzzy Thu 08-Sep-16 10:18:05

i wouldn't be bothered with wasting text time or anything else with them to be honest, make yourselves unavailable for the odd party too, entitled twunts ! angry

HateSummer Thu 08-Sep-16 10:18:49

Sounds horrible. My brother and his wife used to do this to our dad. Broke his heart. No advice, but I'd just keep quiet to keep the peace. Some people are just rude.

toastymarshmallow Thu 08-Sep-16 10:21:05

What is their side of this though? That seems pretty rude and callous to have happened for no reason.

Is your mum difficult? Has there beem issues in the past?

I think it looks like your brother and sil are making it clear that they don't want a relationship with your mum but they are happy for her to see the kids.

Yes, its hard and hurtful, but there must be a reason and they are entitled to it.

skyyequake Thu 08-Sep-16 10:21:15

I think FlyingElbows might be your SIL grin

Don't send the text though, they'll just dismiss it as you being moany or use it to reassure themselves that you are totally unreasonable

Honestly just dismiss them and comfort your DM who is probably very hurt by this behaviour from her own son... At least your DNs are getting to the age where they can start to have contact with you and your DM without their parents efforts

Gallunach Thu 08-Sep-16 10:40:10

I hate unexpected visitors.
I leave for work at 6.30 and not home til 6ish.
I have small children who I haven't seen all day and a dh that doesn't get home til 7.30.
We eat dinner at 9 so not a lot of time for tidying. House is clean but always look cluttered!
We have nanny sitting to do most weekends as she won't do anything for herself.
So no I don't like unexpected visitors.
Once I have warning I am quite welcoming though 😄

worldsworstchildren Thu 08-Sep-16 10:40:50

No I'm not going to send a text it wouldn't achieve anything.
To be clear I'm not blaming my sil, my brother is equally - if not more - at fault. From my sil's point of view, if he can't be bothered, why should she? But it's still incredibly rude and hurtful.
My DM is honestly the least difficult person you could meet - and also the most helpful - she goes above and beyond in trying to make all our lives easier. And as far as I can see she is a good DMIL. She doesn't interfere at all and would never take sides in any argument (of which they've had plenty) but is always on hand to help. She has often ferried my DN to and from afterschool clubs. Last year she wallpapered and painted their hall, stairs and landing so they obviously had no problem with her then.
I think they are very selfish and I've come to the end of the road with them.

Gallunach Thu 08-Sep-16 10:42:26

Meant to post this on a different thread obv
Ah must be time for a coffee.

worldsworstchildren Thu 08-Sep-16 10:42:48

I think it looks like your brother and sil are making it clear that they don't want a relationship with your mum but they are happy for her to see the kids

Sadly I think you're right toastymarshmallow

RiverTam Thu 08-Sep-16 10:45:35

I would totally ring/text your brother and say: why the hell did you and SIL go out when you knew mum was coming round? If you've got a problem with her you need to tell her (and the rest of us) exactly what that problem is. But right now, you're being a twat. Love, your very pissed off sister.

turnaroundbrighteyes Thu 08-Sep-16 10:56:49

Awful behaviour, but if your Mum so desperately wanted to see her grandkids why not make the most of it and stay for the evening instead of just an hour? Or did she leave early because she was so upset?

Just wondering if she has from for saying how much she wants to see them then not staying long and thats whats caused the rift. Not an excuse though...

scarednoob Thu 08-Sep-16 11:01:45

just a bit of sympathy really, from someone who also has a seriously lame DB and a SIL whose real name is The Lunatic.

it's so infuriating when parents get hurt by it.

worldsworstchildren Thu 08-Sep-16 11:13:37

That's not it at all turnaroundbrighteyes She didn't arrive until about 7.30 and left about 9..... how much longer should she have stayed at that time of night?

DixieWishbone Thu 08-Sep-16 11:35:28

It sounds like the children are not babies or toddlers and that your DB and DSIL are happy for them to be in contact with your DM.

Can your mother form a relationship with the grandchildren without their parents' input? Can she contact them via social media? Can she go out for the day with them without their parents? Of bring them over to her house for a weekend?

Your brother and sister in law sound like a lost cause to me. I wouldn't bother sending texts.

MoonfaceAndSilky Thu 08-Sep-16 11:38:40

She has often ferried my DN to and from afterschool clubs. Last year she wallpapered and painted their hall, stairs and landing so they obviously had no problem with her then

How horrible.
I would definitely send RiverTam's text to your DB and ask him what he thinks he's playing at.

furryminkymoo Thu 08-Sep-16 11:43:45

Gallunach this wasn't an unexpected visit? it was arranged and then the DB and SIL were out.

OP I had similar with my Sister, felt like I was banging my head against a wall and felt offended that she wouldn't attend special occasions, turns out she had major issues with us, mostly my DM and me, my Dad not so much, all stemming from our childhood or events that happened many many years ago. Is there a chance that your DB is harbouring some resentment or reasons why he has chosen not to be have regular contact?

I wouldn't send the text, you cant make people care.

BarbarianMum Thu 08-Sep-16 11:46:50

<<but there must be a reason and they are entitled to it.>>

^^Alternatively, they might just be shitty people. They do exist.

HarryPottersMagicWand Thu 08-Sep-16 11:48:14

Tbh it's nothing really to do with your SIL. I don't have anything to do with facilitating contact with us and ILs, that's DH's job not mine and the fact none of them see each other much is nothing to do with me, although my ILs aren't really that helpful or interested. It does sound like your DM is a good MIL but then it's coming from a biased source smile.

Your DM can easily see her DGC without your brother, sounds like they are old enough for her to contact them directly?

There could be a reason behind it, it seems odd that your brother is like this for no reason whatsoever if your DM is as uninterfering and helpful. But it definitely isn't your place to say anything. If SIL sent a message to DH (or me) about not seeing their mum, he wouldn't be impressed and would just ignore it and rant about how it had nothing to do with her.

Hockeydude Thu 08-Sep-16 12:06:53

Sheesh, they sound really mean! No advice , sorry, sounds like anything you do or say could make things even worse.

worldsworstchildren Thu 08-Sep-16 12:15:45

furryminkymoo I think you're right that he might be harbouring resentments from years ago.
HarryPottersMagicWand I agree I am totally unbiased grin

Can't do anything without making it worse so will let sleeping dogs lie.

amusedbush Thu 08-Sep-16 12:21:45

furryminkymoo

Gallunach this wasn't an unexpected visit?

Gallunach posted again right away to say that she'd posted on the wrong thread...

JudyCoolibar Thu 08-Sep-16 12:40:39

Surely as your brother's sister you could give him a call and ask what the story is from their side?

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