Or is DH - work related

(56 Posts)
TheLaundryLady Thu 08-Sep-16 07:48:14

I work full time in a senior clinical role within the NHS. My working hours are generally Monday to Friday 9-5 with one weekend in 6 on call within the hospital.
I also work early / late shifts as required.

DH currently works 12 hour shifts days and nights 4 on 4 off.

I can only work early shifts on his days off due to getting DC to school etc.

This works well however DH is unhappy with working shifts and is actively job hunting.

I am fully supportive of him and don't want him to be unhappy however when we have discussed this previously we agreed he would look for 9-5 roles or a position with shorter shifts without night duty. These jobs are available in his line of work.

We also agreed to discuss jobs before he applied.

This morning he came home from work and told me that he has applied for a job Monday to Friday 8-4 without any discussion.

These hours would mean that I would be unable to work any early shifts (I start at 06:30) during the week which would make me very inflexible, unsupportive of my teams and potentially unable to effectively do my job.

I am really angry that he chose to apply before discussing this with me and we argued this morning.

I think that any new job he applies for needs to be compatible with mine. He says I'm being selfish and should want him to be happy.

AIBU?

Sorry about the long post I didn't want to drip feed

Essexgirlupnorth Thu 08-Sep-16 07:50:55

YANBU any job needs to fit in with your family and it sounds like this doesn't though. Are they set hours or is there space to negotiate if and when he gets the job.

NapQueen Thu 08-Sep-16 07:51:14

Can't you find a CM?

As someone who works an erratic shift pattern and is also looking for more traditional hours I'd say yabu.

They are soul destroying, those kid of shift patterns, and there are solutions such as wrap around childcare which can help.

PurpleWithRed Thu 08-Sep-16 07:53:01

Has he assumed you will change the way you work to suit him, or does he have an alternative suggestion?

AyeAmarok Thu 08-Sep-16 07:53:39

How does he expect to manage the school run when he's doing these shifts, has he said?

Or is he planning on shrugging his shoulders and making it your problem to solve?

Lilaclily Thu 08-Sep-16 07:54:07

Use childcare
I'd be supportive of him, finding the exact right job to suit everyone is very hard

AyeAmarok Thu 08-Sep-16 07:54:49

Tell him that's fine, you support him entirely. But HE will need to find and organise a childminder to pick up his slack.

Lilaclily Thu 08-Sep-16 07:55:16

I'd rather use a CM or breakfast club than have a miserable partner , life's too short to be in a job you don't like, be it the hours, the colleagues etc

TheLaundryLady Thu 08-Sep-16 07:57:01

They are set hours apparently but with travel across the country so he potentially could be leaving home at 6am some days.

Unfortunately a CM is not an option as round here they all start at 8am , school breakfast club also starts at 8am.

I know he shifts are horrible but I just feel some discussion is needed prior to applying.

BewtySkoolDropowt Thu 08-Sep-16 07:58:50

Sorry, what? He has applied for a job that affects childcare so this is his issue to resolve. IF he gets the job he might be able to negotiate different working hours.

He needs to resolve the issue that he created, not you. He is the one that changed the goal posts.

But he might not get the job.

LoremIpsum Thu 08-Sep-16 07:59:04

I think if you'd had a discussion and made some agreements he's BU by disregarding them.

That said, I don't understand why his decision means you have to make the change to your hours. He's made an autonomous decision, he needs to come up with a solution for when it clashes with your early shifts. If he's decided to take something on the assumption you'll facilitate his schedule, well that's his bad luck.

TheLaundryLady Thu 08-Sep-16 07:59:48

Purple - he has no suggestions it's my problem to sort out apparently

lastqueenofscotland Thu 08-Sep-16 08:01:06

He's just applied for it not taken it and starting tomorrow without talking to you. If you upload your cv to those job sites you can apply in literally seconds.

I think you are being a tiny bit U. If he'd had interviews etc and not told you I'd think differently.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es Thu 08-Sep-16 08:01:17

I agree, discussion is needed, he's applied for a job that means he can't get his kids to school on some days, so he needs to make plans for who is going to be doing it. If he has assumed that you will simply stop doing early shifts he needs to think again.

LoremIpsum Thu 08-Sep-16 08:02:22

Bollocks to that, Laundry. How rude and presumptuous of him.

ArriettyMatilda Thu 08-Sep-16 08:02:54

Don't forget if offered an interview or even the job he could turn it down! He could get some valuable interview experience and it'll give you chance to discuss what he plans to do for childcare. I'd be a bit annoyed as you did agree to discuss before applying but it's a bit premature when he hasn't even got an interview yet.

TheLaundryLady Thu 08-Sep-16 08:06:45

I take your point that he's just applied not interviewed for the job yet..

TBH it's not so much that he's
applied for the job it's the assumption that I will completely alter my working patterns to accommodate him without discussion.

I can't easily do that in my role

blueskyinmarch Thu 08-Sep-16 08:10:23

As i see it you have to work as a team. He has facilitated your work hours by doing shift work he hates for a while. Now there needs to be some restructuring with both your jobs/work hours.
You say your hours are 9-5 but you add in some early/late shifts to be supportive. Would you not be able to say you can no longer do the early shifts but can continue with the late ones so you can take your children to a childminder before starting? This would allow your DH to start at 8 then he can pick up the children at the childminder when he finishes work?
I think you both need to work this out together.

blueskyinmarch Thu 08-Sep-16 08:15:38

Can i also put it out there that if this scenario had been reversed and OP was the one who wanted to change jobs because she hated her hours/job and her DH was saying he refused to countenance any change to his work day or help find childcare, posters would be up in arms saying how selfish he was being...

whattodowiththepoo Thu 08-Sep-16 08:19:19

Purple - he has no suggestions it's my problem to sort out apparently

FUCK THAT SHIT.
If he is going to do something that has a negative effect on your family you either need to agree or he needs to sort out any problems.

TheLaundryLady Thu 08-Sep-16 08:20:21

Bluesky - you are right we should be a team which is why I would expect DH to discuss potential job opportunities with me prior to applying.

I have had other great job opportunities within my profession which I have turned down due to not fitting in with DH/family life.

There is an expectation from my management that I will cover when we are short - not working early shifts is not an option as I have asked about this before. It would be career limiting

NapQueen Thu 08-Sep-16 08:22:04

How old are the dcs? Could you have a part time nanny or au pair?

Could he ring round some CMS and see whether they would be flexible with their start times (my cm has started at 7am for some parents when asked)

trafalgargal Thu 08-Sep-16 08:22:05

Twelve hour shifts are a killer .
How old are your children ?

Odd cover you probably won't get before school cover earlier than 8 ,daily cover you probably can, lots of CM do it but don't advertise. If you have the room an Au Pair would be another option (and with both of you working give you more time as a family with less housework)

How often do you do earlies and are you doing them to oblige or are they part of your contract .

If he has reached the end of his rope with nights then it's time to reassess and look for other solutions.

NapQueen Thu 08-Sep-16 08:22:47

Maybe he was thinking he could ask to do 8.30 til 4.30 so he could drop them at Bfast club.

HyacinthFuckit Thu 08-Sep-16 08:26:48

If this scenario was reversed and OP was blithely assuming the extra childcare needs because of her job choice were 100% her DHs problem to solve, she'd be getting a flaming.

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