AIBU to keep maintenance for my DC and not put it in my "stepfamily" pot?

(383 Posts)
iloveberries Wed 07-Sep-16 10:12:04

Ex left 4 yrs ago and has paid maintenance regularly and on time. I have always saved the maintenance as I work and don't need it to cover DC living expenses. My plan is to give to DC when older for deposit on house / uni / car unless I need it to support DC (eg. Redundancy / illness or similar)

Been with DP 2 yrs and are currently buying a house together. We will both be putting our earnings into "our" pot. However I feel that I should continue to save the maintenance for my DC into his account for the future but DP thinks it should come into "our" pot as we are sharing all our other income.

I have 1 DC and he has 2. They live with their mum and he pays maintenance accordingly. We know she doesn't need it for their living expenses but obviously don't know whether she saves that for them.

We will have bedrooms for all children in our new house and have his children here a lot so we will both contribute to upkeep for his 2 and my 1.

We never argue about money but this maintenance has become an issue. AIBU to want to keep saving it for my DC?

MiniCooperLover Wed 07-Sep-16 10:14:42

YANBU! You absolutely should keep it separate, whether it's in savings or you spend it directly on him. His Dad isn't paying money to subsidise your DP

SaucyJack Wed 07-Sep-16 10:15:53

"We know she doesn't need it for their living expenses but obviously don't know whether she saves that for them."

Huh? Does she live somewhere where housing, food and clothing is free?

I think you should spend your maintenance on your child's daily living costs is what I think.

Even if you're all millionaires I still don't get it.

Sirzy Wed 07-Sep-16 10:17:08

I would use a share of it towards housing costs and save some of it.

Believeitornot Wed 07-Sep-16 10:17:35

I'd keep it in the savings pot tbh. It's for your ex to contribute to your children's upbringing not for other children.

If you don't need it now and your children are comfortable then saving it seems like a great idea to me.

DollyBarton Wed 07-Sep-16 10:17:50

I think the maintenance is to pay for your son as part of the family so it should go into the family pot. Unless you are happy to match the amount to put in each step child's savings too. I think that would make it fair.

WannaBe Wed 07-Sep-16 10:19:52

Maintenance is for your child's daily living costs.

What is the current division of money into the family pot? Because if e.g. You are contributing more then it's understandable that you are keeping some back for university costs etc. However if you are contributing less then essentially your DP is subsidising your DC while you are saving the money which is from their father towards their upkeep is being saved in a separate pot, which isn't really fair in itself. Iyswim?

Inertia Wed 07-Sep-16 10:20:38

If you don't need it to cover living expenses then why wouldn't you just save it?

I would probably have the perspective that it's DS's money, not shared income. In families where that money is needed to cover living expenses then the resident parent manages its use . It isn't the same as joint income from salaries, it's always intended for the resident parent to use as he or she deems necessary to provide for the child.

iloveberries Wed 07-Sep-16 10:20:50

saucy - he knows what his ex earns and knows what her mortgage is so its easy to work out that (like myself) she doesn't need the maintenance for day to day living expenses.

JaniceBattersby Wed 07-Sep-16 10:21:34

I agree it should go into the family pot. Otherwise you're expecting your partner to pay house, feed and clothe your kids. That's what the maintenance is for.

All moment should be family money. There shouldn't be separate pots for separate people. It just breeds resentment.

HunterHearstHelmsley Wed 07-Sep-16 10:22:41

As long as he can save the equivalent amount for his children before adding to the pot then it's fine.

iloveberries Wed 07-Sep-16 10:23:48

wannabe - we contribute roughly the same to the "joint" pot when doing full time work although I am about to go on Mat leave so will not be working for money. However I do all housework, cleaning and general parent prep stuff for all the children so we have always agreed to have a 50/50 stance

iloveberries Wed 07-Sep-16 10:25:00

Granted janice he is technically contributing to bringing up my child but I am also contributing to his 2 children

SaucyJack Wed 07-Sep-16 10:25:36

It doesn't matter how much she earns berries. She stills needs your DP to cover his share of their DC's living expenses.

That's what maintenance is for.

I also agree with WannaBe. If you're expecting your DP to subsidise your son whilst banking his maintenance money, then that's really not fair.

Does your DP get to have savings? Do his children?

Nocabbageinmyeye Wed 07-Sep-16 10:25:48

But his maintenance for his two kids comes from the family pot does it not?

So assuming you are putting in roughly the same wages and money for two is coming out for his two then I think it's only fair the op's continues to get saved and living costs for all children out of the family pot when they are with you.

Are the wages going in roughly the same op?

Sirzy Wed 07-Sep-16 10:25:59

Are you going to save the same amount of money for your new baby and your step child?

flirtygirl Wed 07-Sep-16 10:26:12

Carry on saving it, this money is for your child not the family pot, if you are going 5o/50 or fair proportion to wages each on everything else then you savings for your son is a good thing. The other children mum or your dp can save save for them if they so choose.

Mymouthgetsmeintrouble Wed 07-Sep-16 10:27:35

If i were in this situation i would put half in my childs own savings account and half in my account and say to oh the money in my savings account will be there for emergencies or if your child needs anything for school etc , i would not put it in family money that is for your child i do the same with my child benefit its only a little but will build up for when my children are older

Backtoschoolyay Wed 07-Sep-16 10:28:13

It might just be a case of moving the money around eg the maintenance goes in the family pot then you save separately as you can afford it. A

Nocabbageinmyeye Wed 07-Sep-16 10:30:05

Crossed posts, that seems fair to me, both put in say 300 per week and op gets 30 maintenance but 60 comes out in maintenace for her dp's two out of the family pot, so op saves her 30.

It may be an issue down the line though because your dc1 will have a decent savings account but his dc and the one your are pregnant with won't

CookieDoughKid Wed 07-Sep-16 10:32:32

So long as you can afford to submit an appropriate maintenance sum for your son in the family pot or contribute to the house work otherwise in whatever % fashion deemed suit (as some are SAHMs) then anything left over from your ex-dp should be savings for your son. That's totally fair. Whatever your current dp and his ex wife decides to put in as savings to their children is their own business.

CookieDoughKid Wed 07-Sep-16 10:36:01

Because if you ever split up from your current dp and it could happen. Never say never. YOur child will need his savings money and you will resent having given it to anyone else other than your son. And what would your ex-dp say if he knew the money for his son, having worked hard for it is going to the family pot that includes other people? I would go ape shit.

AyeAmarok Wed 07-Sep-16 10:36:14

I don't think you can continue to save it while you are on mat leave, then you aren't contributing anything, and keeping what you are getting separate, and he's having to pay for you, your shared DC and your DC to ex, then I don't think that's right.

CafeCremeEtCroissant Wed 07-Sep-16 10:39:25

His maintenance money is going to his children via his ex.
Your maintenance money is going to your child via you.

It's all coming into the joint pot then going out. No difference.

HIBU

Dogcatred Wed 07-Sep-16 10:40:05

Does his maintenance to his children come out of the same pot or will he do as you do - keep that separate? This is one reason I would never move a man in as it just complicates things. Instead everything I earn or save or whatever I so choose can be for my children

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