Sex after baby AIBU???

(20 Posts)
hollowsorrow Wed 07-Sep-16 08:14:42

So ds is 6.5 month old born via a C-section and we have not had sex so far. I was in a lot of pain right after the birth and had additional health issues, so obviously i was not up for it, dh has been very patient and never brought up the subject. About 2 months ago i started feeling much better and ready for it and i conveyed my feelings to dh. However nothing happened since then. Last night he told me that he has been mastur****g roughly once a week and i felt extremely hurt and sad. I have no problems with him wan***g in general but I have been practically begging him for sex for the past two months and he keeps saying he is too tired. But then if he is so tired, it seems like he is not tired enough for wan***g. When i told him how i felt he says i am overreacting, so AIBU or dh being an di**k?

MyKingdomForBrie Wed 07-Sep-16 08:17:40

You can write all those words in full on MN, we're allowed to swear/refer to sex!

There's clearly an issue for him here that you need to get to the bottom of - he has some sex drive hence the wanking therefore it's sex with you that is causing an issue - is he maybe afraid to hurt you? Is it a bad time for him - eg you wait til bed time and he's super tired so he's wanking in the shower in the morning when he has more energy?

Northernlurker Wed 07-Sep-16 08:19:40

I think you are over-reacting. Masturbation takes seconds and probably at times when you wouldn't be too keen anyway. It's not a replacement for sex.
You do need to talk yo your partner about your sex life though. I'm sure he is tired, so are you. He is possibly scared about hurting you and perhaps about further pregnancy? Have you got contraception sorted?

NickyEds Wed 07-Sep-16 08:23:22

When you say you 'conveyed your feelings' what do you mean exactly? I think for most men you have to be very pro active after child birth because they do want to push or seem impatient and they don't want to hurt you.

emodi Wed 07-Sep-16 10:50:01

Hi I think you guys need to sit and talk . Obviously if he's masturbating he's up for it BUT he might have issues as u were very poorly after the birth he might not want to hurt u or he feels guilty cos some men feel pregnancy and "hitting " u was his "fault " which is totally ridiculous but u know men and their minds . Be patient and if that dosent work seduce him with sexy lingerie etc

emodi Wed 07-Sep-16 10:50:25

Sorry I meant hurting bloody autocorrect

RubbleBubble00 Wed 07-Sep-16 10:52:36

Could he be worried he's going to hurt u or you will get pregnant

Marmalade85 Wed 07-Sep-16 10:55:24

My ex harassed me for sex two weeks after my c-section even though I was bleeding heavily. He wanked constantly and started looking at escorts saying I was being selfish.

WindInThePussyWillows Wed 07-Sep-16 10:58:12

Hmm we had sex again 10 days post c section with twins, but I had to instigate.
I had been in hospital for 2 weeks pre birth and 6 days after so we hadn't had sex for nearly a month and I think it was kind of awkward, you've not had sex for a considerable amount of time, maybe he feels a little awkward or that's it's easier and quicker to have a quick wank, especially with a baby in the house.

1LittleOne1 Wed 07-Sep-16 11:27:28

We started again about 4 months later, normal delivery but had some very severe tearing which required surgery, so it really couldn't have happened any sooner. Because he was so involved in my recovery he knew when I was comfortable enough to start again, it was great but we were both nervous even though he wasn't the one who had had the baby, it's still an adjustment, especially when they know there has been wounds and stitches and pain...etc

Masturbating once a week is barely here nor there, it isn't any activity for just a single person.

You both just need to talk about it without getting annoyed or blame, or just spend a lot more time being intimate without the sex and it may come naturally.

hollowsorrow Wed 07-Sep-16 14:31:52

Thanks everyone for your replies, it does give me a different perspective, but somehow i cant stop feeling hurt about the situation. How do you guys make time to get intimate after the baby. Yes he is very tired at night after a long day at work and so am I, but things will not change, do they? After our discussion he suggested we need to work on our sex life, but i just feel so shattered and hurt, I just dont have any hope for our relation anymore.

JacquesHammer Wed 07-Sep-16 14:46:52

Gently as possible I think you're getting way ahead of yourself to be worrying about the relationship over this.

If you mentioned a couple of motnhs ago you might like sex again then said nothing else then its quite possible that he didn't want to pressure you.

I think you need to sit down with him and have an adult chat about your sex-life.

Twolittlejobbys Wed 07-Sep-16 14:57:28

Maalade85 sounds just like my ex

TheMidnightHour Wed 07-Sep-16 18:00:10

I find the pragmatics trip us up - my OH tends not to initiate any more as he doesn't want to pressure me but by the time I've got the baby to sleep, we're knackered. Maybe suggest a weekend afternoon quickie if your baby naps reliably? Although that said it may be sore at first even if you've waited. I really think the wanking is a red herring though - he'd quite possibly do that anyway and it doesn't seem like a lot.

NickyEds Thu 08-Sep-16 10:19:14

In the nicest possible way op I think Jacques is right. Dp and I went without for months at then end of my second pregnancy and after dd was born. Sex has always been important to us but we have been together 19 years and will hopefully be together until we die, so in the scheme of a 50 year relationship it's a blip. I know all couple s are different and this has clearly hurt you a great deal but is there more going on here? Your reaction (feeling so shattered and hurt)seems.....disproportionate?

foursillybeans Thu 08-Sep-16 10:26:09

I think you are over reacting. Making an issue or argument out of no sex for two months / a bit of wanking is not going to be helpful to your relationship. Just initiate weekly sex from now on and appreciate he's allowed to be tired too. You don't have a massive issue here that I can see.

Mypurplecaravan Thu 08-Sep-16 10:27:25

To be perfectly honest 1 wank a week doesn't sound a lot. They take a few seconds.

It doesn't sound like he has the biggest of sex drives.

You say you have shared your feelings. Have you tried to initiate sex at all? Or are you expecting him to make the first move?

mrsfuzzy Thu 08-Sep-16 10:28:38

people for forget it's not just about sex and the bedroom, ramp up the affection outside the bedroom too, an unexpected love you kiss on the cheek, arm round the waist for a cuddle, all this stuff is small but it helps keep the bond going, he's probably worried about hurting you / pregnancy, but taking it step at a time you two will soon be sorted. how about taking sex out of the equation and offering a non sexual massage, no naughty touching though, i bet that will turn it round.

Writerwannabe83 Thu 08-Sep-16 10:31:22

I didn't have sex with DH for over a year following the birth of our DS. I'm pretty sure he was masturbating a lot but it didn't bother me.

mrsfuzzy Thu 08-Sep-16 10:33:06

marmalade i guess you got pregnant on your own them, you are a selfish cow aren't you ? grin no wonder he's your ex. well done for getting rid of the bastard full respects to you for not taking shite.

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