AIBU re lack of contact from mother?(11 Posts)
I am mid 30's with 2 DDs. DD1 is 2.5 years and DD2 6 weeks. I have never been extremely close to DM, she lives about 2 hours away from us, but generally speak on phone every couple of weeks or so. More often when something happening and when it suits her. I.e. When her parents were sick/dying and I lived closer than her.
She works full time, and has a number of hobbies so is pretty busy. But she doesn't seem to make time for me anymore. When I do speak to her it's all about what she has been up to, doesn't seem that interested in me. We always have to make effort to visit her rather than her come to us.
When I was pregnant with DD2 she was on the phone all the time seeing how I was (had complications). She came to see us 1 week after birth but since then I have heard nothing from her at all. No phone calls, texts, nothing. We have had a tough few weeks with a very unsettled newborn and I have struggled to cope with baby and toddler when OH went back to work. I am exhausted! She has no idea how we are. I know I can call her, but why should I? Surely as my mum she should want to see how me and her grandchildren are?
I am prepared to be told I sound like a brat and why don't I just pick up the phone but now I kind of want to see how long it takes her to, it's always me making the effort.
I know I am a grown woman - OH says I am being unreasonable because of this, but I can't help feeling hard done by. All my friends have such close relationships with their mothers and it upsets me that mine doesn't seem bothered. AIBU to feel like this?
Sounds like she has taken the huff. Did something happen when she visited 1week after DD2 birth? Cross words? If not, seems mean of your DM; surely she can remember how difficult those first few months with a newborn are.
Maybe text her, see how the land lies ?
If you want to speak to her, call her. Don't stew about it and build up hurt feelings. Maybe she feels she's being helpful giving you space, maybe she's worried about calling at an inconvenient time, maybe she's got stuff going on in her life that she doesn't want to worry you with, maybe she's busy. She doesn't sound unloving from what you've written, although I appreciate you'd like to be closer.
So she was there for you when you needed her during the pregnancy?
Maybe she thinks you don't need her now and would prefer to get on with things yourself. Maybe when she had a new baby she was overwhelmed with people interfering and is at pains not to do that herself.
If you told her you were struggling and could do with some support how do you think she'd react?
in her life 5 weeks probably flew by, whilst you were preg she was prob worried and concerned hence more frequent contact. Just give her a call
I understand OP.
I am having a very stressful time and my mother has no idea because she is busy with her own life and isn't very interested in mine. I could call her but she wouldn't be very supportive or interested if I did. She'd be delighted to tell me all about what's going on in her life.
I found it helped when I decided years ago that my parents weren't 'parents' as such - they were just two people who I have known for a long time and get on reasonably well with. If I catagorise them that way I stop expecting anything from them, without losing our history or losing contact with them. We have the occasional phonecall and catch-up, and I see them once in a while, but they don't need to know about my life warts and all, and I shouldn't expect that from them. That's how I rationalised it, anyway.
My parents have come to my house 4 times in 2.5 yrs. They only live 30 mins away and expect me to always come to see them. I'm trying to phase out all the running that I do. They're not really that interested in my life (which with one of my children having SN is pretty tough) and are more concerned with appearing to know all about my kids etc. I struggled enormously when my second DC was born and they really weren't there for me at all. Yet they are constantly supporting my siblings and their families. It makes me angry but I'm coming to terms with it. That's a great idea to just think of them as people I have known for a long time.
No fall out last time I saw her. I know I could call/text, but I suppose the stubborn side of me just wants to see how long it takes her.
There is nothing she can do to help really but just want her to care a bit more. She is the same with Dsis and my niece.
Luckily I have my dad nearby (they are divorced and I am very close to him) and my in laws. MIL is fab and love her to bits, but it just makes me sadder that my own DM isn't there.
Cakes and Sharing - that's a good way to look at it.
Maybe she's got something going on in her own life, an illness or another stress than she doesn't want to worry you about with a new baby?
Perhaps she's trying not to step on your toes and let you set the boundaries (I wish my family had done that instead of pushing it and telling me what to do when my son was born - I was a 28 year old married woman, I didn't want interference)
Also maybe she thinks your napping when baby is napping and we all know how exhausting it can be and doesn't know when to ring not to wake you.
Its probably a good idea to talk to her and sort these issues out instead of letting them fester! You might even get that close relationship you want but it takes work on both sides.
My parents hardly ever call as 'they don't want to impose' and 'you're always so busy that you often don't answer'.
Then they get in a mood if I don't call them. I'm supposed to magically know they want to speak.
If you want to speak to her call her.
I don't think she's taken the huff, because it sounds like this is her normal behaviour - she hasn't suddenly reduced contact.
She sounds like DH's parents - we see them about once a year, and even then it's a struggle because FIL expects everything to stop while he explains his opinions about why the world is going to hell in a bucket. DH used to be angry that they didn't get more involved when our twins were little and we were struggling. He's slowly accepting how things are though.
Parents who want to be helpful must be a massive asset. I think it's something that people don't give much thought to until they actually have kids - but it must make a massive difference to your life quality if you do have parents like that.
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