About DH and football every Sunday

[BorisMcBoakface]

Really interested in opinions on whether I am being U.

DH and I both work FT (I am about to go back after mat leave in 3 weeks time). We have a 3yo and an 8mo and while we both adore them, we are older parents and we both admit that we sometimes find parenting frustrating and exhausting, particularly this bit with the baby needs and the toddler discipline stuff.

The issue is that my DH manages a football team every Sunday, from 12ish to 6ish. He does this every single Sunday, except for a few bank holidays and an eight week gap in the summer. That means I am in sole charge of both kids for most of the day every Sunday, and it's starting to piss me off. I do arrange stuff with friends most weekends, but it just doesn't feel very fair. I would love six hours every weekend to do anything I like!

I know I could theoretically announce I'm going to bugger off for six hours every Saturday, say, but I don't want to do that - I want the kids to have at least some family time/days out with all 4 of us together.

DH is adamant that the football team is his one passion, and he shouldn't be made to give it up.

What would you do about this? Can anyone suggest a compromise? It's causing an increasing no of rows between us.

[ElspethFlashman]

My friend had this exact same scenario. 8 years later she still has it.

Last weekend she was going away to a big family party and was all excited and had to cancel last minute as he "forgot" he couldn't actually get anyone to cover for him.

She has started to claw back Saturdays for herself. She has stopped giving any fucks.

[KayTee87]

Is there anything you'd like to do a few evenings during the week if you'd like to leave Saturday's as a family day? Or could you go out with friends every Saturday night maybe?

[beachbaby18]

I feel for you!

My Dh plays football every Saturday afternoon, Monday nights, Weds nights and still finds time to add in other activities like fishing etc with no thought for me and the children.

I had an hour to myself today as I told him I needed to clean house so he took children out for a walk to his mums, that apparently according to him is me having 'me' time!!!!!

No advice, just wanted to tell you that you're not alone in dealing with these issues

[KayTee87]

It always seems to happen in relationships, my husband golfs and has a season ticket for the football team he follows. I know if I had a hobby he would support it though so I don't mind - I just don't have a hobby other than socialising with friends maybe and I like a nice long bath with a book. I'm not very exciting

[BorisMcBoakface]

Thanks guys. the thing is, I could easily go out on Saturday nights but then Sunday would be even more of a world of pain than it is without being knackered/hungover...also to be honest evenings out just doesn't feel like parity; our kids are reliably in bed every night at 7pm and him sitting on the sofa with his feet up is so not the same thing as me running around after 2 kids all day! It would wind me up even more that he thought that was making everything okay!

[BorisMcBoakface]

I also wonder what is going to happen when both children have separate things they want to do on Sundays, e.g. invited to two separate birthday parties. Does everything have to come second to Daddy's football?!

[Trifleorbust]

I would find something I wanted to do on a Sunday as well and tell him to find childcare or split his football with someone else and I would do my activity one a fortnight.

[BorisMcBoakface]

I have considered that Trifle, but I can only imagine the rows it would cause. It does appeal though. Any ideas of Sunday activities I could get into?! (NOT football!)

[Vanillaradio]

I feel your pain. Dh does sport every Saturday morning and Wednesday night. I can only dream of having 7+ hours a week to do my own thing. Recently I went on a hen weekend (the first time I have been away on my own since ds was born, he is 2.9!) and the next weekend he suggested that he should do sport the Sunday as well as I owed him one! He was a bit taken aback when I suggested that he owed me for all the childcare I'd done whilst he played sport so he owed me every Sunday for about the next year! Small victory though..

[Trifleorbust]

Your problem is his response, then - he thinks his time is more important than your time, and he thinks childcare is your responsibility.

Climbing wall?
Knitting club?
Library?
Writer's circle?
Netball?

[ParadiseCity]

I think this could be a lovely chance for 1-1 time with each child/parent. I'm sure DH can take toddler with him one week and baby the next. Fresh air and a chance to enjoy daddy's hobby! What more could he want.

[BorisMcBoakface]

I like that idea Paradise... He did take the baby once and it was quite a success. The toddler...less so

[wobblywonderwoman]

There I'd a Sunday walking club where I live. Could that be a possibility - could you even set one up?

I would be saying once a fortnight abd he needs to get a co- manager.

Failing that I would feck off with myself early Sunday - no warning

Local hotels do spa days here too

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

I'm surprised he's gone for 6hrs every Sunday. I thought a game was 90 mins?

[sirfredfredgeorge]

If you want to use your six hours free time on a sunday with your DH and "all four of you", then that's your decision, I'm not sure why your DH should be penalised for it. Free time is important as you recognise and want, but actually reducing it to 6 hours every other week completely unnecessarily is not reasonable, taking your free time on the saturday would be.

There's plenty of time in the two mornings and evenings, and during the week for you all to be together as a family.

My DP takes more individual time at the weekends, because her free time activities tend to take longer, there's nothing wrong with this, making him give up free time because you want the whole family together is not fair.

[PizzaPlease]

Ooh, I like the taking the baby with him thing! Do you have a baby carrier so he can baby wear and keep his hands free? Then maybe you and the little one could go swimming or go to a movie or something during that time! Just something little to look forward to.

[pollyblack]

I would arrange to have a chunk of time for you each saturday, you could do the morning (gym/swim/shopping/coffee/brunch with friend etc) or afternoon/eve. And arrange a nice family thing for the other part of the day or the sunday morning.

[DoinItFine]

This is why it's a terrible idea to steal men's sperm and force them to be fathers agsinst their will.

A man who had willingly taken on a massive new 24/7/365 responsibility wouldn't dream of thinking it would have no effect on his previous hobbies.

[Braywatch]

I feel for you, this would really annoy me too! Does he absolutely have to be there for 6 hours? Could he split the time with someone else so you wouldn't have such a long stint of solo childcare? If not, maybe you could try and find an exercise class at the gym that is just on a Sunday and then have a sauna/swim after? (I'm sure there are many things you could do but depends on your area as to how much is on on a Sunday, hence gym class suggestion.) Then take it in turns to each do your activity every other week.

[Trifleorbust]

Fred: It is fairly unreasonable for him to take EVERY Sunday for this activity, regardless of his wife's schedule or her feelings about it. There needs to be a compromise.

[Floisme]

I'm the football fan in our family. Every single Sunday is taking the piss.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

Every other Sunday he takes the kids. You're not the default parent, simple.

[BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington]

He's gone every Sunday from 12pm - 6pm?

A big 'NO' to that.

[ilovesooty]

It could easily take six hours to complete an away fixture. Home ones should be shorter I would have thought.

[FATEdestiny]

This is all very anti-men sexist

If a DH was stopping his wife in her thrice weekly spinning class, or gym membershop, or yoga - that would be Deen as him being selfish.

Further, this guy is volunteering, not just doing sport.

My DH has enabled me to volunteer with Girlguiding since before we had children, right through having four children. I am grateful he has the children to allow me this time each week, as well as weekends and full weeks away.