To still feel this way?

[artlessflirt]

This is a bit of a downer for a Saturday night so apologies.

DD is 10 months now.

We had a traumatic birth resulting in an emergency c section under GA, as well as being readmitted twice due to DD having a low heart rate and not weeing.

During this time I stopped bfing despite it going well - mostly in the hope that giving DD formula would cause her to wee...

Tried to pick it up again when things had settled but was so, so wrung out that I just couldn't sustain the cluster feeding. So we went back to formula.

AIBU to still feel completely cut up about this??

I feel like I have failed my DD totally. I feel like I didn't try hard enough, that my reasons for giving up were selfish, etc. (I wouldn't think this if anyone else, though!)

I have post-natal depression but have slowly been feeling better, but I can't get over this sadness about bfing. I find it so difficult to read things about it, even though I think it's such a fantastic thing. It just kills me when people talk about bfing and the bond it creates with their DC. Just cuts me up.

Sorry again for the downer, just needed somewhere to spew.

[wizzler]

i have 2 DC. DS was breastfed until he was 12 months, and I hoped to do the same for DD when she was born. It just didnt work out for a number of reasons and so she was formula fed from 8 weeks. The DC are now 12 and 10 and both doing great. There is no discernible difference in health or anything else

. I still sometimes regret that I couldnt breastfeed DD, and I understand you feeling sad.It must be especially difficult if you have PND.

I am sure I did the right thing for DD and it sounds the same for you. Breastfeeding is wonderful, but I was so tired and stressed I was not coping, sounds like the same is true for you I am sure she is better off having a mummy who was not so wrung out

[RunningLulu]

My bf had pnd and felt the same way when she had to stop bfing. Have you tried expressing? You could then mix it up with formula that way your baby gets double the goodness?

[artlessflirt]

Running, I tried pumping a few times since and had zero joy. I looked into relactating, but with the PND it was making me more and more hung up on it.

I don't know if I'd feel less bad if it had been down to a bad latch,etc. But it was going to well and she DD fed like a trooper, she only lost a few oz's in the first few days.

The decision was all me, because I was tired and anxious and stressed. In the beginning I hated making the bottles, it caused me so much anxiety.

She is now thriving and only has 3 bottles of milk, so less dependent on it. I just cannot shake the guilt.

[Whatsername17]

I think you are traumatised from everything you've been through. Have you spoken to your gp? You can't just 'get past" something like that. For what it's worth, I had lactation failure due to a team at ic birth so dd was ff after my milk failed to materialise. I beat myself up for a good two years about it and do you know own what I have now? A healthy, happy 5 year old who eats a wide variety of foods, favours healthy food over junk, has a robust constitution and is rarely ill. Oh and is considered to be working 'above average' for her age at school. I promise you, being a good parent is about so much more than breastfeeding. Your lo will thrive and be healthy because of all of the other stuff you do on a daily basis. If you need some help to get past it, take it. You do not deserve to feel this way. You haven't failed, you just made the right choice following a really difficult and challenging time. You have so many wonderful things to look forward to as your lo grows.

[Birdofathousandvoices]

YANBU, because that it is how you feel
My experience of a difficult birth and BF was similar and after 5 days I just couldn't do it anymore. At the time I cried and cried about how I had let her down...but in reality we both would have suffered had I continued.

[Whatsername17]

Traumatic birth^

[rollmeover]

Oh bless you.
And aren't you lucky that formula exists? This is exactly the reason why it was created - for mums who weren't able to feed their children for whatever reason. Your baby will grow to be strong and able and will love you for doing everything for them.
Speak to your HV and GP, you have had such a hard time, it would be good for you to chat it out.
Take care

[artlessflirt]

Thank you for all your replies.

I was having counselling and attending a parent and baby unit, unfortunately having to go back to work made it difficult to keep attending.

DD is a wonderful little girl. She loves food and I love cooking for her. She is happy and healthy, and hitting all of her milestones. I am the proudest mum ever.

I just find myself in this funk everytime I see something about breastfeeding, and lapse back into the mentality of its all my fault.

[QuiteLikely5]

Oh op please please don't do this to yourself.

It's honestly not going to have any impact on your child's life.

[Wolfiefan]

Oh my lovely. I tried (and failed) to feed my first child for four months. I cried and drank fennel tea and took domperidone and fed on demand and pumped after every feed and cuddled skin to skin and attended BF sessions. I don't produce milk!
He's now 13 and healthy and happy and fit and honestly couldn't care less how I fed him.
Feeding your child and cuddling them and reading bedtime stories and bathing and laughing together. That builds the bond. Truly it does.

[Bigfatnope]

Its easy to be hard on yourself and feel shit for (perceiving) that your not doing what you wanted to do by your child, but please please take it from someone who also had a traumatic birth (low heart rate and ventouse under no pain relief as emergency) and breasfed (i breastfed until 9 months, totally gutted and wanted to carry on but ds was ill in hospital and my supply went) that you are doing great. Your baby is getting fed and you gave them some breastmilk which is brilliant. When you start out you get very obsessed (i know i did) on everything being perfect and wanting to be the best i could, and its hard to get some perspective, but now my ds is 15 months and hes fab on whole cows milk and doing great and im actually enjoying not breasfeeding now.

Well done, your doing great

[HarryPottersMagicWand]

I think a lot of feelings like this are a result of the pro bf brigade. It's rammed down out throats so much (and the people that sucessfully do it hang on about it so much - the ones I know anyway) that those that don't or can't do it feel like they have failed and feel guilty.

Your child will know no different. They will be no less healthy. The important thing for.them is.to get pnd sorted. I had it twice but first time it was there for a long time before I got help and i feel awful about the mother I was when DS was a baby.

There is always something to feel guilty about when it comes to parenting. The.important thing is that your child is happy and healthy and if formula for them there then so be it.

DS was ff from day one (despite me.trying to be, I'm.not.convince there was anything there) and he is one of the healthiest, fittest and most active children I know. You honestly cannot tell which children have been bf or ff.

[artlessflirt]

Thank you all so much.

Everything that's been posted is, of course, right.

We are getting there with the PND, I'm certainly not as bad as I was and cope so much better now.

I'm a worrier by nature so think that has fuelled some of the anxiety.

[Charley50]

I get repetitive negative thoughts about something totally different and I know it's a complete waste of time worrying about something that was in the past and that I can't change.
As PPs have said, it makes no difference to the bond you have and health of your DD, so try and find a way to banish those negative thoughts. Every time time they come, take control and think about something else.

[SaucyJack]

Bless you

[user1472938803]

You are doing a wonderful wonderful job, it's easy to forget that amid the fog.