Am I being controlled?

(41 Posts)
Ohsotired123 Sat 03-Sep-16 19:03:02

I've been with my partner for nearly 10 years, we had a baby last year and we should be stronger than ever, but we're not.

All hell has broke loose and my partner has been screaming at the top of his lungs at me, calling me the c word, a scum bag, a cheat, a liar, you name it he probably said it. I had to call my mum round to try and see if she can be a mediator, things got that bad.

I returned to work 4 months ago and the week I returned someone in another department who I speak to and get on with was leaving so he invited pretty much the whole company to his leaving do. When I told my partner I was going along with literally my entire department and loads more, he got VERY funny and asked why I'm so close with this guy to be invited, I've been on mat leave so why would he want to invite me. I pointed out that everyone has been invited, also that I do speak to this guy and everyone in our department does. One of the girls and her hubby actually go for drinks with this guy and his partner, another girl in our department has been for drinks with him alone outside of work. He's a very friendly and lovely bloke. Men and women can get along without it being sexual.

Anyway the guy booked a hotel room that night because he lives in a different city to where he worked and couldn't get a taxi back, so he and others all got a room. My partner got wind of this and accused me of probably going to his hotel room on the night, I said don't be so stupid. The day after the night out someone uploaded a load of Facebook pictures of everyone doing silly poses and generally having a great time. On there was a pic of me and this guy, doing a thumbs up pic and smiling. When my partner saw it he kicked off big time and asked why we were standing so close together, that our faces were touching at the sides and he just went mental. It caused arguments that went on for DAYS.

This guy then messaged me on Facebook a picture of his new cat that he bought his fiancé, we started having a right old chit chat and talking about his new job etc. This also tipped my partner over the edge and we got into more arguments. About a month later, this guy messaged me again and again it was random chit chat, he asked how my little girl was and told me he and his fiancé are now trying for their first etc. After that I deleted the conversation in case my partner ever saw that I've been talking to him again, it just isn't worth the hassle. But then he got my phone and checked my messenger and saw that the conversation has been deleted and accused me of cheating etc.

After that the guy randomly deleted from my Facebook. I think it was my partner.

Everything was fine for weeks until today.

Works night out last night, all of the people who went last time came out and the guy who left came out because for him it was a catch up with all of his old mates etc. We all had a great time and all was good. I found myself on edge the whole night in case someone tagged me in any statuses with this guy or uploaded some pictures with him or any other guys from my work in the back ground. I literally bit my nails down because I was so worried and on edge. So I deactivated my fb account to avoid this. So my partner has obviously searched for me on fb and has found I'm not on there and asked why. When I told him that's when he started his nasty rant at me infront of my daughter who was beside herself she didn't understand why daddy was shouting so loud and was really upset. He said I'm dodgy, a cheat, a scum bag. I've ruined his life apparently, he's wasted 10 years on me, we are over etc. This went on for ages and he just wouldn't let me explain.

Now that I have he doesn't understand. Doesn't get that he's pushed me to do this because I'm so scared and worried. He thinks I am
A compulsive liar and all the rest of it. He wants nothing to do with me and if I am honest I'm not so sure myself. I can't go on with my life like this not being able to be around other men, or even talk to one. My sister works with all blokes and they go for currys and nights out regularly, I envy her freedom sometimes. I just want things to be normal.

Is he controlling me, or am I unreasonable?

T0ddlerSlave Sat 03-Sep-16 19:06:01

Massively controlling.

RunningLulu Sat 03-Sep-16 19:06:59

He's being unreasonable but also sounds like he has a guilty conscience. The first thing my ex did when he was cheating on me, was accuse me of it.

hownottofuckup Sat 03-Sep-16 19:07:43

He's behaving oddly, I hate to say it but having a baby is a well known flash point for DA to begin or ramp up. Has he always been like this?
I think, unfortunately, deleting the messages has played into his hands abit in terms of making it appear possibly dodgy.
Not that that excuses his behaviour in the slightest.

Smartleatherbag Sat 03-Sep-16 19:08:30

JFC, that's awful. Seriously, get away from this guy before his controlling behaviour escalates. Which it will.

LagunaBubbles Sat 03-Sep-16 19:08:40

Well he's done a number on you if you even to have to ask if you are being unreasonable! Seriously why are you staying with someone who doesn't trust you?

ImperialBlether Sat 03-Sep-16 19:10:07

He sounds really awful. I'd be glad if he said he was leaving.

OhTheRoses Sat 03-Sep-16 19:11:35

He sounds as though he has developed MH issues if he never used to be like this.

TBF I don't mix FB and work.

If you have to ask I think you know the answer. Was he always a bit like this?

Sorry you are so upset.

chickenowner Sat 03-Sep-16 19:13:03

His behaviour is not normal or acceptable. You can't go through life with someone who doesn't trust you, or who shouts at you and calls you names.

Kione Sat 03-Sep-16 19:13:16

Controlling and extremely abusive!
Its only going to get worse.

Darcychu Sat 03-Sep-16 19:14:03

Sorry but that is Really controlling , really sad that your dealing with that sad

puglife15 Sat 03-Sep-16 19:14:58

I agree with RunningLulu

I think he's got a guilty conscience. What does your gut say about that?

He sounds nasty. Hope you're OK.

CedricSydneySneer Sat 03-Sep-16 19:15:45

It's nuts. Unless there's a massive backstory to this and you've cheated on him in the past the only explanation is that he is the cheat.

OrsonWellsHat Sat 03-Sep-16 19:23:22

He's a nasty, abusive cunt. Ltb.

alfagirl73 Sat 03-Sep-16 19:59:53

When my ex partner started talking to me like that it transpired that he was the one who had been cheating.

He sounds vile... you'd be better off out of that environment.

Ohsotired123 Sat 03-Sep-16 20:05:10

God this isn't good. I seem to have totally lost all concept of what is normal.

Do you have friendships with males?

I can't stop thinking about how much of this I can't take anymore and to be single, living away from this crap. The thing is though I'd lose everything, house, car, daughter every weekend. But I know deep down you can't stay with people because of those things, it's just going to be hard.

nellypledge16 Sat 03-Sep-16 20:17:02

I work one to one with a bloke who has been my shift partner for 10 years, 12 hour shifts. We get on so well and people joke that we are 'work married' as we bicker and stuff like an old married couple. There is obviously nothing there, both happily married and neither his wife or my husband are in the slightest worried or anything. They get that we are friends. Hubby even socialises with him on occasion.

Your husband is being a total prick to you, and massively insecure and jealous. You do not need to be treated like this for having done nothing to deserve it! Hope you manage to sort it out x

NavyandWhite Sat 03-Sep-16 20:30:01

That's not just controlling! That's abusive behaviour.

Honestly I would seriously think about leaving him. He's sounds horrible.

You can't live on your nerves like that.

PedantPending Sat 03-Sep-16 20:32:31

Are you actually married?

magicboy79 Sat 03-Sep-16 20:40:00

Strange behaviour, if it was annoying your partner so much he should have spoken to you earlier and said he didn't like you hanging out with a man from work etc and maybe you would have respected him and avoided the man knowing it upset your partner. But the way he is acting accusing you and calling you names is very controlling and abusive as said above.

A couple should be able to take about things, trust each other and respect one another. We all delete conversations from time to time but it's not because we have anything to hide. It doesn't sound like he is respecting you at all, more like taking something/his own failings out on you.

Spiderpigspiderpig Sat 03-Sep-16 20:45:17

I bet he's cheating on you.
My ex got all controlling over me meeting up with my best friend who I'd known since I was 13.
Turns out he was cheating on me

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Sat 03-Sep-16 20:52:04

He knows he is a pig so is worried you will go off with a normal man who will treat you correctly. .
Finish him. Then do exactly what he fears.
Go and find a normal man who treats you correctly.

hazeimcgee Sat 03-Sep-16 20:55:27

I'm sorry you have to even ask - he is a controlling abusive ass and you and your daughter deserve better. I'd walk.

ConvincingLiar Sat 03-Sep-16 20:56:49

He is abusive. It is unlikely that he'd have your daughter every weekend, maybe every other. This is no life for you.

HighwayDragon1 Sat 03-Sep-16 21:11:55

My best mate in the whole world is a man. I've slept in his room, gone on nights out, his parents welcome me with ooen arms into their home.

DH loves me, and trusts me, and knows that my best friend is just that, my friend, my brother (from another mother)

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