Child maintenance and birthday gifts

(25 Posts)
nippysweetie82 Sat 03-Sep-16 14:05:43

I don't think IABU but interested in opinions. My ex partner had been paying £40 per month maintenance for our daughter. He was working part time and CSA calculated payments at £90 but he was adamant he couldn't afford that. He is now claiming ESA(faking depression). I've been through a difficult time with him as he is emotionally abusive. That was part of the reason why I left him 3 years ago. He didn't pay anything for the first 2 years because I was stupidly still involved with him but after finding out he was having an affair last year I pushed for maintenance. He talked me into calling off the csa and accepting the lower payments(twice). In return for doing that he was fairly nice to me for a while and unblocked my number on his phone, offered the occasional lift to shops etc. Since then he has got more deeply involved with the other woman and I would imagine is taking advice from her.
He hasn't paid anything for the past 2 months. I confronted him today and he said that as he paid for school shoes and an iphone for her birthday he is not due to pay me until next month. His logic is that he could have sold her old iphone but instead allowed me to keep it. He said that the csa told him that birthday gifts are not supposed to be paid for on top of maintenance! I'm thinking about contacting CMS to open a case again. It's likely that he'll only have to pay £7 per week but maybe it's better than allowing him to have control over me. He only bought my daughter the phone so that he could make arrangements with her behind my back to stay with him at weekends. He doesn't ask me, they arrange it then my daughter tells me it's happening(she's 12). I know that he has money hidden away/makes money on the side but I can't prove it. I would appreciate opinions, thanks.

megletthesecond Sat 03-Sep-16 14:11:06

Oh, I'd be off to the csa In a shot. He's mucking both of you around.

I really doubt the csa think maintenance can be reduced for birthday presents hmm .

Heirhelp Sat 03-Sep-16 14:11:48

You owe it to your daughter to ring CMS. It will make thinga easier for you.

I think you should go through CSA. Do they really say that a parent can stop payments to buy a birthday present? I wonder at a parent that would do that.
I would probably see if you can get a court agreement RE regular times for access also.
Having both these in place limits what you will need to discuss with him

BeMorePanda Sat 03-Sep-16 14:17:07

You know he is full of bull shit. Back to the agency quick smart. Don't believe anything he says anymore.

ImYourMama Sat 03-Sep-16 14:19:00

CSA immediately. He doesn't understand his parental responsibility at all

ImYourMama Sat 03-Sep-16 14:19:24

CSA immediately. He doesn't understand his parental responsibility at all

Arfarfanarf Sat 03-Sep-16 14:21:25

Oh wow. I didnt know that when it's our child's birthday or they need essentials we can skip other things.

Hey son happy birthday. Here's your gift. Just fyi dont expect to get fed for the next three weeks. .

What's that darling, why are the lights off? Well, i bought you some school shoes so i figured i didnt have to provide utilities for you for the rest of the month.

He is ridiculous.

He pays about £1. 33 a day towards raising his child.

He should be ashamed of himself.

nippysweetie82 Sat 03-Sep-16 14:21:29

Thanks for the replies. I don't know if I want to go down the court route regarding access as he has no parental rights. He didn't want to put his name on her birth certificate when she was born as he didn't want to pay maintenance if we split. I have a 15 year old daughter from a previous relationship and he has always treated the 2 of them differently. I suppose I have bigger issues than just maintenence as I'm now dealing with the impact his emotional abuse has had on myself and my daughter.

nippysweetie82 Sat 03-Sep-16 14:25:19

According to him the issue he has is that he allowed me to keep my daughter's old phone. He bought it for her over a year ago second hand as a gift. He said that as he could have sold it and got £100 for it then I owe him money for it. I think that as it was my daughter's phone it wasn't his to sell!

Arfarfanarf Sat 03-Sep-16 14:28:10

I honestly do not know how men like this dont shrivel up with shame at the pittance they contribute and the song and dance they make about it.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Sat 03-Sep-16 14:30:36

Sell the phone and use it as the money he owes you for dd.

jmh740 Sat 03-Sep-16 14:35:54

What an idiot I would be on to the csa asap before Christmas and another loads of excuses why he can't pay for his child

Often Sat 03-Sep-16 14:41:16

Arfarfarf, spot on!!!

nippysweetie82 Sat 03-Sep-16 14:41:22

I think it's just making me more pissed off knowing that he can still afford to spend money with the other woman but can't afford to pay a tenner a week for his own child. In the 12 years we were together I had to take the kids on holiday as a single parent because he refused to go on holiday with us. Last year just after finding out about the other woman a conversation took place between him and our daughter. He asked where she'd always wanted to go on holiday. She told him that she would love to go to Italy. The following month I found out he was in Italy on holiday with the other woman. I don't know if it was a romantic holiday just the two of them or if her 2 kids were with them. Either way it was hurtful knowing that he could do that with another woman but not with us. All while making a big song and dance about paying maintenance!

JudyCoolibar Sat 03-Sep-16 14:52:13

I doubt that a second hand phone is worth £100. Is it actually any use to you? If not, either sell it yourself or, if it's not worth much, tell him he's welcome to have the phone back once he's paid your maintenance.

carabos Sat 03-Sep-16 14:57:38

He's being fairly nice to you and unblocked you on his phone. hmm What a prince. Get all the relevant authorities on his sorry ass and don't give an inch.

redannie118 Sat 03-Sep-16 15:09:20

Hi op I work for CMS 2012 scheme and can categorically state we would have NEVER have told him that. The amount we set is set in stone NO excuses unless his income (not bills or expenses but the actual amount he receives as taxable income) alters by more or less than 25 percent. It seems you would benefit from having a third party involved, please give us a ring.

RunningLulu Sat 03-Sep-16 15:43:31

Sell new phone and old phone. If your dd complains then be honest with her. Then contact CMS and get them to throw the book at his dirty ass - show them social media photos of his holiday to Italy if possible.

nippysweetie82 Sat 03-Sep-16 15:45:24

Thanks everyone, good to know it's not just me. He has a way of making me think that I'm at fault even when I feel that I'm being reasonable. I'll phone CMS on Monday but feel like an idiot after calling them off twice. Thanks redannie for confirming that, he's a chancer.

Lunde Sat 03-Sep-16 17:31:05

He is treating you badly because he has always got away with it in the past - you have always given way to him in the past and let him pay peanuts.

Take him back to court to enforce the maintenance

LuluJakey1 Sat 03-Sep-16 17:37:18

He sounds like a total shit and you sound well rid. I would go to the CSA.

Idliketobeabutterfly Sat 03-Sep-16 17:38:55

Use the CSAband don't back down again

nippysweetie82 Sat 03-Sep-16 18:39:00

He's just sent a text to say he will pay £40 on the 1st of October but I think I'll contact cms on monday anyway because it will probably take them a while to sort out payments. I think I'll only get £7 per week while he's pretending to be too sick to work but at least it will be a regular payment.
I'm using the phone just now because mine is broken but will get a new contract in a couple of weeks and sell the old phone. I don't know what makes him think it's worth £100 though considering that's what he paid for it secondhand.

JudyCoolibar Sat 03-Sep-16 19:05:11

When you've finished with the phone, tell him he's welcome to have it back for £100.

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