To be looking forward to DD leaving home for uni? (Sorry, long)

(114 Posts)
StillRabbit Sat 03-Sep-16 10:45:21

I am utterly at the end of my tether today and would throw DD in the car and dump her at halls right now if I could.

Since her exams finished she hasn't been out of bed before 1pm (often as late as 4pm) except on the few days she wanted to do something and when she was more than happy to expect me to get up and take her to the airport at 5am and pick her up 10 days later at 11.30 pm when I had work as well.

The 10 days she was away were heaven. When she is at home there is food scattered around the house, the bathroom (used by her, DS and visitors) is disgusting (I clean it every day but she smears God only knows what all over the basin and counter tops), pots and pans are dumped with half eaten food, perishable food taken out of the fridge at midnight and left on the side to fester (with the fridge left open too). Shoes, socks, books, paper left scattered all over the house, clothes and underwear dumped in the bathroom. I was hoping to invite friends over for lunch during the holidays (lots of us work term time only) but I am ashamed of how messy the house is. It was spotless when she came back from her holiday but the day after she same home I came back from shopping and just cried...it looked like a bomb had gone off and there was lipstick smeared on the side of the stairs which I have scrubbed and scrubbed but it is still there just at eye level AND she smeared it there on purpose after her brother told her that I'd cleaned all the paintwork while she was away. Her half unpacked suitcase sat on the floor in the dining room for a week until I gave in and took it up to her room, whereupon she moaned about me not giving her time to sort it out.

I am having a party this afternoon so yesterday she went through her room and filled three black sacks of unwanted stuff which she dumped in the hallway. I put them in her room and said they had to stay there until after the party but after I went to bed last night she has dumped them all in back in the hallway. (She has a huge bedroom so no lack of space).

As far as she is concerned she is an adult now and I have no right to tell her what she can and can't do. If I'd spoken to my mother the way she speaks to me I'd have been in hospital!

However, as soon as DH comes home she turns on the charm and if I dare raise her behaviour with him she makes out like I'm crazy.

All I can think of is how utterly blissful it will be to not have her in the house in a couple of weeks time. Only problem is that she will be back for a month in December....

Fishface77 Sat 03-Sep-16 10:50:19

Tell her not to bother coming back.
You haven't got a DD problem you've got a YOU problem.
Stop being nice and facilitating her shit and make your DH back you up.
She sounds horrid.
flowers

stayathomegardener Sat 03-Sep-16 10:57:50

Surely your DH is living in the same squalor as you and would have noticed and appreciated the clean house when DD was away?
I wonder if he is too disengaged to notice or you are over reacting to normal family chaos it has to be one or the other.
I am sympathetic DD is 17 and quite messy albeit charming which I guess is somewhat softening.

RubbleBubble00 Sat 03-Sep-16 10:58:50

Give her warning if it's dumped in the house outside of her room it's going in the bin. Where does she get money from?

StillStayingClassySanDiego Sat 03-Sep-16 11:01:27

She deliberately smeared lipstick to piss you off?

It's beyond being messy and disorganised, she's doing this on purpose, have you always had a dufficult relationship?

StillStayingClassySanDiego Sat 03-Sep-16 11:01:53

*diffucult

DoItTooJulia Sat 03-Sep-16 11:05:07

Well she's not going to make many friends that will want to share a house with her at uni-she sounds like a terrible house mate!

My 3 yo knows that lipstick doesn't go on walls and paintwork. Honestly, I'm not surprised you'll be glad to see he back of her, but really the question is why is she so disrespectful?

grannytomine Sat 03-Sep-16 11:07:30

The lovely thing about them moving away is you start to really enjoy having them for visits. When my daughter comes home we have DVD nights and Spa days. It is great.

VeryBitchyRestingFace Sat 03-Sep-16 11:07:54

As far as she is concerned she is an adult now and I have no right to tell her what she can and can't do.

This is very true. She's absolutely right.

And by the same token, you're under no obligation to house/feed/clothe/fund another adult.

Especially one who won't adhere to basic house rules and common courtesy.

MouseholeCat Sat 03-Sep-16 11:08:30

YANBU I'm shock at your daughter's behaviour- especially smearing the lipstick, that's downright vindictive.

Hopefully her moving away will be an eye opening experience for her, and it sounds like it'll give you some much needed space. Maybe think about giving her some boundaries in terms of when she can return home too, and get your DH to back up everything you say- e.g. not until Christmas so you get a nice long break.

University is a great separator, I know I quickly learnt to appreciate all the things my parents did for me at home, and had become much more self-reliant and mature by the end of term one (although I was no way near this level of pisstakery).

grannytomine Sat 03-Sep-16 11:09:50

Just read the lipstick bit, my daughter never did that sort of thing but she did lie in bed till the afternoon and her room was a tip. The rule was if she kept the door shut she could have the room as she wanted it, if she left the door open it had to be tidy.

I hope your DD has a change of personality between now and December.

TaterTots Sat 03-Sep-16 11:10:42

By Christmas you'll be desperate to see her grin

EdmundCleverClogs Sat 03-Sep-16 11:11:13

Well, it does sound like she's being rude and getting ahead of herself in terms of how 'grown up' she is. I was a bit like this when I came home from uni, Christmas first year. After 3 years of living with equally inconsiderate assholes I was far more respectful and mature.

However, this will probably be her last childish summer. I don't see why it's so awful she doesn't emerge from her room until the afternoon, how does that affect you/the family? Why does the bags of unwanted things bother you so - if they need to go to a charity shop/dump, perhaps do it before the party then it's not bothering anyone. I also doubt anyone will be checking your staircases anytime soon.

Sounds like she's testing the boundaries 'as an adult' (and being rude, no doubt), and you're fighting back by treating her even more like a child.

mrsfuzzy Sat 03-Sep-16 11:13:13

yes, she is an adult and you can't tell what she can/can't do but you can i do feel for you, this is awful. it's the family home and that behaviour isn't on - ever. my dd is scatterbrain with home security and chaotic with her stuff at home but there is no way i clear up after her in that respect. she knows her stuff would be in a bin bag on bin day, even if i chased the dust cart to put the bags in, i'm a bit of a loon at times grin she sounds very immature tbh and i would not have her home in dec. you need to talk to dh, get photos if need be of her mess and get him to back you to the hilt. she wants to be an adult, she can do it else where.

YouTheCat Sat 03-Sep-16 11:13:27

My dd is 21 and quite messy but she's not disrespectful.

Speak to your dh and tell him she's not getting away with this crap any more. If she wants to come back, she sorts herself out.

Your dd isn't acting like an adult. She's acting like a petulant toddler.

alltouchedout Sat 03-Sep-16 11:15:20

Oooh, her housemates are going to love her...

SuburbanRhonda Sat 03-Sep-16 11:16:22

You can get lipstick off with Sticky Stuff Remover from Lakeland or Betterware.

<misses point of thread>

MrsJayy Sat 03-Sep-16 11:17:29

She is an adult but an adult living in your house you are allowing her to treat you like this does your husband treat you like this? The sleeping all day drives me nuts 1 of mine has been off college since june starts back next week i wake her if she isnt up by 1pm or she would be eating her tea for breakfast she also isnt allowed to leave her shite all overthe house you needto crack down on your family you deserve better have you always ran after her backside? I think she is in for a shock when she moves out but will be a life lesson grin

mrsfuzzy Sat 03-Sep-16 11:19:54

sorry if i'm harsh but i don't have the patience with this shite, - i have 6 dc from 15 - 23 - before anyone comments but although they have stuff laying about, we have had house rules from toddlers that are there in place for everyones benefit, wellbeing, comfort and security, it isn't always easy with teens but there is never any excuse for op dd or the like, teens don't have to be messy, that is just an excuse imo.

MrsJayy Sat 03-Sep-16 11:27:14

Im the same mrsfuzzy yes teen agers can be challanging and of course they can have problems but i cant stand disrespect i respect them they respect us keeps the balance

theredjellybean Sat 03-Sep-16 11:31:29

why are you facilitating her behaviour and then moaning about it ?
If my dd had behaved like this, there is no way i would be driving her to the airport etc...
If your DH is not aware of the mess etc, is it that your expectations are very very high and your DD is just a normal messy teenager ? I don't mean to sound harsh but it is a bit odd that you are scrubbing away cleaning a house that everyone else in it feels is ok ?
However it is your house and if you want it uber pristine that is your choice and your dd should respect that.
I would be telling her in no uncertain terms that your house , your rules and if she cannot buck her ideas up she can move out.
I would not be letting a young adult live in my house while I was working and they were not and not expect them to be doing their share of chores etc.

blueskyinmarch Sat 03-Sep-16 11:32:08

My 18yo DD is also a young adult but i have no problem telling her what to do in the family home. I insist that she treats the family house, and us, with respect, and she does. She has chores to do and if she doesn’t clean up behind her properly i am on her case. I want her to have some standards and know what is acceptable before she leaves home. I feel that is the least i can do as a parent.

Seryph Sat 03-Sep-16 11:34:52

I would be telling her that you shan't be supporting her at university, she can get a job to pay her own way, then take her to halls and leave her there.

littlemissneela Sat 03-Sep-16 11:35:33

God, no wonder you want her gone! I do feel sorry for her future uni flat mates though.
It does sound there is a deeper issue at work here for her to be so very disresectful towards you. To purposly draw on the wall with lipstick when she knew you had cleaned all the painwork is downright rude.
Its only two weeks until they go (I know, my dd is off then too), but I would be withdrawing all help to her. No more lifts and any other favours. I would sit your dh down and chat to him about it, and see if he actually does notice what is going on, or if he is ignoring it. He needs to back you up and as you are working full time, all need to be pulling their weight in the house.
When we had lodgers living with us, one was so disgusting by leaving anything they used lying around our living room (dirty plates, cups, pizza boxes, beer can) one day I just gathered it all up and dumped it on their bed. Felt good! I would put anything she leaves lying around the house on her bed, no matter how much she moans about it.
If she wants to be treated like an adult, then she needs to act like one. Responsible and considerate. She will get much further in life being that way than her current way.
Good luck! And keep the mantra going "Its only two weeks! Its only two weeks!" ;)

MaterEstIratus Sat 03-Sep-16 11:38:55

You can get rid of lipstick with WD40. Selfish, self absorbed teenagers not so easily...

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