To be 'busy' when friend comes down?(12 Posts)
Background: a friend of over 15 years, who is always very vocal about what great mates we are, is getting more and more unreliable. He still lives in our hometown, I live in London. Every time I go home to see family he wants to meet up, but it always seems to be on his terms. He doesn't seem to like meeting in groups anymore, which isn't necessarily a problem in itself, but when I'm only there for the weekend, a night out 'just the two of us' may mean I don't get to see other friends (if I want a decent amount of time with family as well). What really rankles is that, on several occasions, he's cancelled at short notice. He's always 'a bit under the weather', or 'hardly slept, can't face going out'. It's then too late to make other plans, and he gets huffy that I can't just see him the next day or travel back at a different time to suit him. I'd genuinely think he didn't want us to be friends anymore if I was the one initiating, but he always makes a big thing of 'when are we meeting up?' and how great it is to see me when he does actually pull his finger out.
I feel like I'm supposed to plan everything around him. He doesn't seem to have any concept that I can't just wait around for him. Example - at New Year his plans fell through and he asked to join me and another friend. I said fine and told him what we were doing. He didn't want to do that and tried to persuade me to do something else. I said I'd made plans and he was welcome to come, but I wasn't changing them for him. I still got a 'NOT happy about spending NYE in venue X' text on the day (although he did eventually come, and enjoyed himself). A few weeks ago he asked if he could come down for the weekend. I said yes, as long as he didn't mind the sofa, as I had another friend staying for a while. He replied back 'Great! Going to need that spare room though - too old to be sleeping on sofas! ' He wasn't being offered the bloody spare room!
I was supposed to see him on Sunday but, surprise surprise, he'd hurt his neck in the gym. He's due in London for an appointment on Tuesday so wants to meet up then. I'm seriously considering inventing a reason not to go. I know how it will go - he'll decide he doesn't want to go home because he's having too much fun, start hinting about staying over, tell me I'm boring if I point out I've got work in the morning... I can't be arsed to get the flat ready for guests and go to work knackered and hung over the next day, just because he doesn't want a night out to end.
If he was genuinely in too much pain to come out on Sunday, fair enough. But it keeps on happening. I can't help thinking if you know a friend is only in town for a weekend and you won't see them for weeks otherwise, you'd suck it up if you're tired or have the sniffles.
Would it be unreasonable to give him a taste of his own medicine on Tuesday?
Not necessarily a taste of his own medicine, but say you are leaving after a couple of drinks and then go. No sleepover, no hangover.
Definitely not. Just tell,him it's not convenient. Don't give a reason if he persists. You don't have to,be at his beck and call. Get tough!
Tell yourself your time is too precious for this 'friend' to waste. And make your own plans - tell him something has come up that you can't get out of.
I predict that on Monday morning, an urgent work thing will come up, which sadly prevents you from meeting up on Tuesday evening.
YADNBU, I'd be really pissed off by now.
He sounds like a complete cunt!
What you should do is agree and make plans and then bail on Tuesday morning, by text, with a lame excuse and do not engage further.
Then see how he is next time you are home.
Bloody hell why is he still a friend OP - what an entitled Arse!!
You don't want to see him this time - tell him not convenient this time. Frankly if he got arsey again I'd tell him to grow up or Fuck Off.
First paragraph I'd have said maybe anxiety or something, but I don't think so.
I think he's selfish. Don't think you can change that, but you can change the dynamics and learn a lot from how he reacts when you cancel on short notice.
It reads to me like he is using you for cheap (i.e. free) accommodation when he comes to London.
I'm with the others here in texting him on Monday afternoon "Oh so sorry to do this to you at short notice, but something has come up that I really can't get out of and I wont be able to meet up tomorrow. Hope you have a nice trip to London and we'll catch up again soon", and leave it at that.
Minions - interesting you mention anxiety. I do think there's an element of that, which is why I'm sympathetic to the 'just the two of us' thing. However, I don't think it entirely accounts for his behaviour.
He was an only child to a single parent, so grew up never having to share his mum with a man or a sibling. I wonder if he never quite grew out of it.
Yes that sounds very plausible. It's hard if he has no other framework to relate to, but he still can't treat his friend like this. I think it's not a terrible idea to cancel. It's a fairly harmless way to check out if he is sympathetic to your plans.
I'm sorry this is happening with your friend. Even if there are anxiety issues, that doesn't give someone a free pass to treat everyone else with secondary importance (imo).
I think he's lucky you are considerate.
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