AIBU not to gush when somebody who struggles with her kids says she is ttc again?

(70 Posts)
5moreminutes Thu 01-Sep-16 12:14:04

Group of us have know each other from older children's toddler group days, now have varying numbers of children. One mum already has 3 children whom she finds "challenging" to the extent she refuses to leave the house with them on her own, she and her DH always have to tag team or she won't leave the house (she's a sahm) and she uses a lot of child care (after school and holiday clubs, a mothers help type woman who she pays cash in hand to do a bit of cleaning and ironing in term time and babysitting in the holidays so she won't have to take the kids on errands or to the shops with her, almost full time nursery for the youngest) very explicitly because the children are "too much" for her - she says this, and complains bitterly on the frequent occasions her DH works away about how hard it is to cope.

That is how it is, sympathetic noises and all, know it is unreasonable to have an opinion on that and I guess she does find it hard for whatever specific reasons...

But a couple of days ago the group of us, who no longer often meet up, were all at the same place by chance and having a catch up, and after the usual initial moan about coping in the holidays and her cleaner/ mothers help being away for part of the time, she "revealed" her "gossip" which was that she and her DH are ttc again.

Everyone else gushed "how lovely"... and there followed lots of excited baby speculation and gossip and all - all very delightful. Except it's quite hard to gush in delight when it sounds like such a... well... mistake!

Why would you actively ttc when you can barely cope with the kids you have and miss no opportunity to tell people so?

Also why tell people you are ttc? But that is a different topic maybe? grin

Obviously I wouldn't say anything negative - its none of my business. But WIBU just to smile and not contribute to the gushing? If she had announced her pregnancy I would have said congratulations and assumed they were making the best of a contraceptive failure, but I would have felt like a hypocrite congratulating her on ttc!

user1471443066 Thu 01-Sep-16 12:17:45

Is she a bit needy and attention seeking......drama lama.

Oh well, our bodies are designed to make us crazy and want babies. I sometimes want another, even though my hands are full to the brim coping with my crazy life.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Thu 01-Sep-16 12:20:24

Just make sure your name is never added to the babysitters list!! Personally can't grasp how anyone can't do shopping with their own kids!! My friend used to make her dh do a 50mile round trip to drop 2 kids at her dm so she could do the weekly shop!!

expatinscotland Thu 01-Sep-16 12:22:53

Just cut her a wide berth. People like this are just attention-seeking drama llamas. Tedious in the extreme.

anniroc Thu 01-Sep-16 12:24:13

YANBU. I find the ttc bit odd. Nothing wrong with SAHMS paying for nursery care though , I feel incredibly grateful that we could afford it.

Cheerybigbottom Thu 01-Sep-16 12:31:45

Its odd but I have a friend (quite distant now actually) who has 4 kids under 6 and wants to ttc so she can have 'a girl at last'. All she does is moan about these boys and their father, and farm them out to friends for 'sleepovers'. I can't find it in myself to congratulate her so I just don't put myself around her much.

CathFromCooberPedy Thu 01-Sep-16 12:33:16

I don't get this either. Why have more if you're struggling with the ones you've got confused

TheWitTank Thu 01-Sep-16 12:34:10

I hate it when people announce they are TTC -so just telling us you are having sex then. It's so personal. Tell us when you are pregnant!

MermaidTears Thu 01-Sep-16 12:45:34

I have a friend of a friend that is completely unable to cope. Has to have edry help you can imagine, she's just had child 6.

Three bedroom house, it's filthy, sends out ironing, has cleaner, someone to do school run. Has help from a charity for mums unable to cope who need extra help.
Puts them all to bed at dead on 7pm (including the eldest who in my opinion could have another two hours up) and that's after her dh changed his work hours so he is home at 5pm to cook every single night or takeaways.

I asked her the other day if I could buy her Moses off her when she was done, as id like a spare for downstairs.
She said no because 'id like another in about two years time's what the hell?m

Brankolium Thu 01-Sep-16 12:48:54

Is she possibly not struggling as much as she claims, but just likes to have a big old moan? Sometimes people try so hard not to come across as boasting that they end up reverse boasting (competitive complaining!).

MylaMimi Thu 01-Sep-16 12:51:32

Does she have a same-sex family? If so I can understand the desire to try for the opposite sex (even if it seems like craziness). If she has a mixed sex family, I can't say I do understand wanting to ttc as much.

MylaMimi Thu 01-Sep-16 12:52:26

Mermaid If your friend's house is that filthy would you want to buy her Moses off her anyway?!

babba2014 Thu 01-Sep-16 12:54:22

I am so with you op. Someone from my baby group always complaining about her DH who never stepped up with their child. He was rubbish in all other departments too. Not life partner material. Struggling with one and always dropping their child to her mum's. She told me when she announced the next to her parents, they asked why on earth when she can't cope with one. She told me she wanted another 2 after that.

The person does have attention seeking traits. I don't really speak with her anymore. Was always messaging me about how awful her life was with her DH but after two years of it I had no energy for it. I gave suggestions but she was draining me. U had to focus on my own baby. I'd love more but we have no family help as we're too far from them so it all falls on me but I have a supportive DH. 2 it is for us.

passmethewineplease Thu 01-Sep-16 12:54:59

Is she maybe exaggerating how much she is struggling? Trying to gain some sympathy?

I know what you mean, I have theee DC, 11 months between the youngest and TBH as much as I like the thought of another I know I can only just manage with them now.

Why increase the extra workload?

ComtesseDeSpair Thu 01-Sep-16 12:57:22

Brooding and a touch of rose tinted spectacles mainly, I imagine. Plus I suppose they could be playing the long game - they want a big family and are anticipating that they'll enjoy the DC a lot more once the challenging younger years where they're totally dependent and need constant care are over. Plus we all have a good moan to our friends, even if stuff really isn't so bad. You don't have to gush, I doubt she even noticed that you didn't.

And telling friends you're TTC is just sharing your future plans and general minutiae of your life really, isn't it? Same as telling your friends you're thinking about going on holiday / have been weighing up the pros and cons of moving house / have registered with a recruitment agency to see what's out there. You don't necessarily wait until you've booked your hotel / made an offer / been to an interview before you tell anyone.

kurlique Thu 01-Sep-16 12:59:16

Ha I say "really?" to people saying they are ttc if they already have 2 or more kids... Even if they really cope well!! I would probably be more like "why?" If they don't cope! #bluntnortherner

Cagliostro Thu 01-Sep-16 12:59:56

It's easy to get rose tinted specs though, when you're thinking of another squishy little baby.

YANBU not to gush at all though!

Figgygal Thu 01-Sep-16 13:02:52

Some people are just stupid arseholes it is that simple!!

gonetoseeamanaboutadog Thu 01-Sep-16 13:14:28

I can understand people having the number of children they want on the basis that you grit your teeth for a few years but enjoy your family for a lifetime.

Also, if you're finding five chaos, six won't significantly change that.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog Thu 01-Sep-16 13:16:13

Ha I say "really?" to people saying they are ttc if they already have 2 or more kids...

Would it kill you to say 'Lovely!' and change the subject. Less hurtful.

ElphabaTheGreen Thu 01-Sep-16 13:21:12

Going against the grain here, but nothing you've listed there is 'not coping' - it's her list of coping strategies.

I continued to send DS1 to nursery full-time when I was on mat leave with DS2. That was not me 'not coping'. That was how I coped, very nicely thank-you, with a toddler and a baby. I also have a cleaner, and prefer to have a second pair of hands if I'm taking both boys out. I also hate it when DH goes away for work because bedtime and nursery runs around my FT job get exponentially more difficult and I have to use A/L to make up for time lost. All that said, I'd have a third DC in a heartbeat. Horses for courses. I'd never expect anyone to gush, though, and I certainly wouldn't broadcast TTC. That's tacky.

WanderingTrolley1 Thu 01-Sep-16 13:27:10

Yanbu.

I know of someone who has 3 kids, all in care, and announced the other day that she had some good news for me. I congratulated her whilst internally despairing.

Grouchymare Thu 01-Sep-16 13:32:57

ElphabaTheGreen Thu 01-Sep-16 13:21:12

Going against the grain here, but nothing you've listed there is 'not coping' - it's her list of coping strategies.

I continued to send DS1 to nursery full-time when I was on mat leave with DS2. That was not me 'not coping'. That was how I coped, very nicely thank-you, with a toddler and a baby. I also have a cleaner, and prefer to have a second pair of hands if I'm taking both boys out. I also hate it when DH goes away for work because bedtime and nursery runs around my FT job get exponentially more difficult and I have to use A/L to make up for time lost. All that said, I'd have a third DC in a heartbeat. Horses for courses. I'd never expect anyone to gush, though, and I certainly wouldn't broadcast TTC. That's tacky.

I think that's a bit harsh. I'm trying to conceive my third chid and most of my friends and some of my work colleagues know about it. It's pretty much the most important thing in my life at the moment and I'm gutted that after six months of trying I'm still not pregnant, am I really supposed to just bottle that up? I don't think sharing this information with people I am close to is in any way tacky. Also I cope extremely well with the two kids I have already so no eyebrow raising required re my decision to have another.

OP life with little kids is tough but now I'm seeing what the other side of that looks like (mine are 6 and 4) I can easily see myself enduring the toddler years again in order to have more of what I have now, maybe that's whay your friend is thinking.

Sillybillybonker Thu 01-Sep-16 13:35:06

YANBU
To be honest, I think that I would actually have said something. Like "Why do you want another child?"

formerbabe Thu 01-Sep-16 13:37:11

I know someone like this...I find it mind boggling but ho hum, as long as I don't get asked to babysit!

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