Please tell me if I'm being U and touchy here and I'll buck my ideas up for the rest of the holiday

(45 Posts)
Ohdoshutup Wed 31-Aug-16 12:11:48

I'm currently on the annual holiday with DH's family. Every year, his family book a gathering in cottages and we stay for 3 nights. We never hear from his DP's or family any other time really but it's nice nonetheless.

It is well known that DH and I have been trying unsuccessfully to conceive our first baby since we got married 3 years ago. At a famy wedding I was mid ivf and DH quietly told family that this is why. In the time we've been going through this, DH parents have never once enquired. Fair enough.

Anyway, last week I get an extremely excitable what's app from mil to reveal "amazing news" that her niece is pregnant after only getting married 3 months ago. Of course I immediately replied saying it was lovely. The niece is also on the holiday and it's been nothing but "baby talk" and how they are "fast movers" after only just getting married. Another of the cousins is pregnant and there are a few babies in the family too. Constant baby talk with seemingly no consideration for what is happening to us. I'm not drinking at the moment and I've had constant comments on how I don't drink much. Yawn. I have said that I am currently mid clomid cycle but the comments ("go on, just one") persist.

Absolutely nothing has been said to acknowledge this by MIL and I'm say here quietly fuming to be honest. This shit just wouldn't happen with my family. PLEASE tell me that I am just jealous and unreasonable. I don't want to feel like this.

Ohdoshutup Wed 31-Aug-16 12:13:10

Sorry, the grammar is appalling here. Wifi keeps going In and out. U

heyday1 Wed 31-Aug-16 12:15:42

Sorry for what you are going through but the world continues and people will keep having babies. You can't censor all conversations because they distress you

Ohdoshutup Wed 31-Aug-16 12:18:21

Thanks and you're absolutely right. It's just relentless though. I don't want to hear how quickly other people get pregnant constantly like it's some kind of badge of honour. And I don't want to talk constantly about other peoples babies to MiL whilst we skirt around the fact that my life has been on hold for 3 years with constant monthly disappointments.

ImperialBlether Wed 31-Aug-16 12:18:48

No, she can't censor conversations, but they're being really tactless. It wouldn't harm any of them to speak to you privately and ask how you are and wish you the best of luck. It wouldn't harm them to say how difficult it must be for you at the moment.

flowers to you OP and the best of luck with getting pregnant. At least you don't have to see the buggers at any other time in the year.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 31-Aug-16 12:22:04

I think every time the talk went that way I would look sad and leave the room.
Might help limit it a bit when they realise this.

LIZS Wed 31-Aug-16 12:22:25

But maybe they don't all understand your problems. Your generation will be having babies, some easier than others. You can't expect to restrict the topics of conversation or avoid comment. Your dh could however have a quiet word with mil to get her onside to change the direction of conversation out of sensitivity.

CallousAndStrange Wed 31-Aug-16 12:22:27

YANBU. Mention the pregnancy, everyone say ooh congratulations, that's enough. They know what's going on with you and it's horribly insensitive. Also constant baby chat is a bit boring; I get they're excited but they must have other topics of conversation surely?

Has your DH said anything to them?

The drinking thing is irritating to anyone who doesn't drink for whatever reason, DH doesn't and there's always one person that keeps on about it as if it's somehow personally offensive to them.

Best of luck with the IVF flowers

MehMehM3h Wed 31-Aug-16 12:23:37

I don't think you're being unreasonable. If they at least acknowledged what you were going through and still behaved like that then fair enough, but to effectively ignore what you are both going through is really shit.

Do they know why you're not drinking much? If so, that is bloody rude and quite mean (you're going through enough, you don't need their pressure!). If they don't know, you should tell them why (and in great detail).

I know what it's like (we have infertility problems as well and have had 2 rounds of IVF/ICSI which have both failed and we are probably never going to be able to have our own children).

heyday the OP may not expect people to censor their conversations around her, it would be nice for at least her MIL to acknowledge what OP and her husband are going through - there's no harm in asking if she's ok and simply saying that it is really shit that they have to go through this.

IceRoadDucker Wed 31-Aug-16 12:23:50

YANBU. They shouldn't have to avoid any mention of babies but they should have the care and tact to keep it down. I don't even want children and I would be more sensitive than they are being to their own in-law.

Do you feel able to say something?

damngirl Wed 31-Aug-16 12:24:22

YANBU. They're being tactless

Kalispera Wed 31-Aug-16 12:24:46

Wow, they're horribly self-obsessed and insensitive!

Could your DH have a quiet word with MIL?

phillipp Wed 31-Aug-16 12:25:10

Yanbu. But You can't sensor conversations. And the fact is that if you haven't been through it you don't know how hard infertility/low fertility can be.

I had 2 kids by the time sil got pg with her first and all the conversations were about how perfect it she was she got pregnant the first month. It's shouldn't have hurt, but it did. But I did just smile along and hid it.

And I only have low fertility. I got of after 18 months both times while waiting for investigation. So I can't imagine how hard it is to go through Ivf. A lot of people seem to think Ivf isn't a big deal and is a lot more successful than it is, they don't understand.

So if I were you, I would be upset. But I would try and swallow it and carry on as normal. They are lucky they don't get it and are likely being unthoughtful (which most of us have done at some point) rather than trying to upset you.

happyinthesunshine Wed 31-Aug-16 12:29:27

I feel for you, I spent years avoiding family and friends who were expecting. My first baby through IVF was 5 years in the making.
Strangely, what actually appeared to help after all my not coping with other babies and pregnancy,was the holding and cooing over new born babies.
It may be a blessing in disguise. flowers
Your time will come.

Notonthestairs Wed 31-Aug-16 12:30:01

I've been in your shoes. We were having ICSI during what felt like a family baby boom (both SIL's pregnant).
I felt as you described.
But looking back they didnt ask about the treatment because they were worried I would get upset, they didnt really understand treatment anyway (because they didnt ask any questions) and because they just wanted to enjoy talking about babies without feeling bad.
So they ignored it.
DH had to take his mum to one side after MIl insisted on a guided tour of SIL's nursery (the weekend we discovered our first ICSI had failed - I held it together for a while but then hid in the loo)
Its ok to feel upset but dont hold it against them - they just dont get how hard it is.

emotionsecho Wed 31-Aug-16 12:31:38

It's perfectly understandable you fee the way you do and I don't think you are being unreasonable, they could behave like decent considerate human beings and act with a bit of sensitivity.

However, if you or your dh say anything, however you word it, they will become defensive and make more of an issue of it - you can't win I'm afraid.

Also, I completely detest the way some people cannot accept other people not drinking alcohol for whatever reason - it has no effect on them why to they find it so difficult to accommodate, it's pathetic.

I hope you have good news soon.

SaucyJack Wed 31-Aug-16 12:37:53

TBF, if you don't speak to them generally, and they never ask how your IVF is going it's highly probable that they just don't realise what a big deal it is in your life.

Do you talk properly when you do see them?

Notonthestairs Wed 31-Aug-16 12:41:31

I also think people assume that doctors can fix anything - so if you are having treatment they probably assume that you will go on to have a baby at some point (which obviously I very much hope you will).
But when you're in the treatment process doctors try very hard to manage expectations so you hear a lot of negative sounding statistics.

You are aware of how hard it might be and what a toll it is taking on you - they arent. Do you think MIL would like to talk about it but doesnt know how to bring it up?

LivinOnAChair Wed 31-Aug-16 12:46:32

I don't think you are BU. Babies are very exciting and they're lovely to talk about but I think they are being tactless especially as they know you and DH are undergoing IVF to try and have your own (which from what I understand can be very gruelling and demanding).

I'd do as another poster said and congratulate and possibly move away from the conversation if it's upsetting you, hopefully if they've got any sensitivity they'll get the message and change the topic. Has DH had a word? If that were my DP he'd be having his arse kicked into telling them how bloody unsympathetic they're being, but that's just me haha.

Best of luck though OP flowers

meowli Wed 31-Aug-16 12:48:35

Why don't you get your own back when they start, by breezily saying how exciting all this baby talk is, as you're ttc, then launch into a very long and detailed explanation of the treatment you are undertaking. That should teach them! (All good wishes to your dh's pregnant relatives, but the family needs to be more sensitive.)

flowers Good Luck!

MLGs Wed 31-Aug-16 12:49:19

They are being insensitive to talk constantly about the pregnancies and how easy x or y found it to get pregnant etc.

Not tactless to talk about the actual babies who are around as babies make their presence felt and their needs have to be discussed

Also not unreasonable for there to be some talk about the pregnancies that are current because again there are practicalities to be discussed, plus you can hardly expect a pregnant woman not to mention it as for the person concerned it's all consuming.

Going on at you to drink is rude though.

seven201 Wed 31-Aug-16 12:53:44

Yanbu. How incredibly insensitive! Of course there should be a little baby talk if there are pregnant people and babies around but it should be limited. It's probably difficult for you dh too but he needs to tell her mil to shut up occasionally. I can't believe the exciting news text!!

DanielCraigsUnderpants Wed 31-Aug-16 13:02:25

YANBU you were congratulatory when you got the news which must have been hard to hear. They are being insensitive but there is a lot of ignorance about IVF and infertility issues.

Best of luck OP

Cocklodger Wed 31-Aug-16 13:03:53

I think its over sensitivity/jealousy on your part mostly but also a little consideration wouldn't go a miss.
YANBU.
Its tough. x

shovetheholly Wed 31-Aug-16 13:06:05

Where on earth does the OP says she wants to 'censor' her MIL come from? She's not saying that they can't talk about babies ever, ever, ever. She's saying that the incessant discussions about them are insensitive in the context of a couple who are having trouble trying to conceive. For Chrissakes, it's not rocket science to think that you should perhaps show some consideration to a couple you know are in that situation, is it? That doesn't mean that you don't talk about babies at all, just that you talk about other things as well, and show some sensitivity. As always, Mumsnet has to turn a situation into something far more black-and-white than it actually is <eyeroll>.

OP, YANBU. I would leave and, when you're asked why you're off, point out the insensitivity without anger, to let them see how sad you are (and DON'T worry if you cry, it will help you feel better and them see what arseholes they are). Sometimes taking a quiet, dignified stand is the only way to make other people understand.

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