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AIBU?

To feel lonely although I have friends?

19 replies

Disabrie22 · 29/08/2016 20:36

We have lots of lovely friends - but I feel desperately lonely. The reason being that rarely do they instigate spending time with me or us as a couple. There's six couples - three of which regularly holiday together and the other two frequently have dinner together. We are kind of the odd ones out - because my husband has less in common with the other men and my children are opposite in gender - although not age to some of the others - so it's less easy in terms of play for the children. This is all fine as we are included at other get togethers etc but I feel sad that we aren't included in either small group? I am grateful for what I have but have always had this feeling in my life of being on the outside looking in - I feel I have to make all the effort to be part of this group otherwise I don't hear anything for weeks. However I would consider myself a good friend, and we are nice people? Perhaps I just need to be grateful for what I've got and shelve these feelings.

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Disabrie22 · 29/08/2016 20:37

Have tried to make other friends with more in common but as you know everyone is busy and settled with their own lives by the time you get in your thirties.

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hazeimcgee · 29/08/2016 20:55

How old are your DC? Perhaps getting out to make new friends would be a good thing anyway - you can't have too many! And it would make you feel less reliant on this partic group of friends.

Did you all make friends at the same time pr were you like a late addition to a set group?

Ragwort · 29/08/2016 21:01

We don't have any friends that we socialise with as a family - well, actually there is one family but I am not mad on them . I think the reality of finding people you like, your DH likes, and your DC likes are incredibly slim.

I have my own friends, DH has his and DC have their own.

Why not just concentrate on making your own friends around your hobbies and interests? I am in my 50s and find it very easy to make my own friends. .

SidneyPiecrust · 29/08/2016 21:43

I have no friends, I'm lonely

Longtalljosie · 29/08/2016 21:46

Have your children started school yet? I found my social circle expanded very quickly once that happened.

Novemberfran · 29/08/2016 21:53

No YANBU. I think a person can be lonely regardless of any friends they appear to have. Conversely I think someone with no apparent friends may NOT be lonely .
I think loneliness is a state which is totally independent of how many 'friends' someone's got and more to do with the person who's suffering the loneliness' state of mind.

Bountybarsyuk · 29/08/2016 21:59

I think you feel lonely as these are group friendships and you seem to be on the outside of the group. This creates feelings of worrying if you aren't invited and so forth. Is there one of the women you could be better friends with on a more one to one basis? I think having a mix of individual friends as well as couple friends is the way to go- as it is rare to get couple friends who are all equal and inevitably some friendships stick more than others.

Disabrie22 · 29/08/2016 22:03

Thanks for the comments - actually helps me feel less lonely if you know what I mean. I've tried that but to be honest I don't think any of them are really interested in a closer friendship with me or doing things as a couple? Plans with have made have been forgotten or foregone for other things. I have two children - one at school one about to start.

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Disabrie22 · 29/08/2016 22:06

It's hard not to take it personally as I know it's all circumstantial/down to matches of personality.

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Disabrie22 · 29/08/2016 22:07

I don't really have many hobbies at the mo due to young children

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Greenandmighty · 29/08/2016 22:19

Disabrie22, I understand how you feel. Our kids late teens but it was very hard, nigh on impossible, to find friends who we got on with as a couple and who had kids similar age who all got on. We sort of mixed and matched. Went on holidays with 2 couples but wasn't always great for my dd although my ds had friends in the group. It was less hassle just having our separate friends as I found that the ones we met up with just to have a cosy group, were not really people I felt were close friends. Things easier now kids older as we can be more flexible with adult friendships. But it takes time to make real friends. I meet a fair amount of people through hobbies and activities, but I find it takes time to really get to know people unless you really click. I suggest you pursue your own interests as much as possible and meet people you really have things in common with.

Disabrie22 · 29/08/2016 22:31

Thanks for the advice - I will xxx

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Disabrie22 · 29/08/2016 22:37

Feeling a little bit low - I appreciate all the comments - I live in a small town and it feels very "grouped" together sometimes - it's been hard to break in after five years of living here - and some times I just feel like I'm hitting a brick wall. Just in relation to the comment about did they meet before me - no I was one of the first xxx

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hazeimcgee · 29/08/2016 22:57

Could you talk to one of them and say how you feel? Totally depends on the relationship is of course.

I'd say there's very few people hubby and i would socialise with who also have kids etc but i have friends i see alone and so does hubby. I have friends i just socialise with cos of the baby.

Are there any nice moms at school? Maybe make a big effort with youngest child's fellow moms when he starts?

Disabrie22 · 29/08/2016 23:30

One of them mentioned to
Me that she felt uncomfortable when we weren't invited on the last holiday and I didn't know what to say really - at my age you can't really complain when adults make choices about friends.

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Disabrie22 · 29/08/2016 23:31

Thanks for replying - this has helped

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headinhands · 29/08/2016 23:41

We don't do the 'couples being friends with other couples' thing. The chances of DH having a proper connection with the DP of an adult I had a proper connection is teeny tiny. My friends are chosen on similar humour.

hazeimcgee · 29/08/2016 23:59

Could you suggest a holiday? Or even just a girls night out? Chance to connect on a girlie level rather than couples / parents level

junebirthdaygirl · 30/08/2016 07:15

I have loads of friends but in my 50s and have never been on holiday with another couple. Its my idea of a nightmare and if it ever comes up in conversation l never bite as couldn't bare it. Could you just meet with the women now and then for coffee and do your own thing not including dh or dc. Maybe one of them is freer at the same time and ye could have a routine of a regular coffee or a walk. Do ye invite any of them over for dinner / barbecue whatever? I think sometimes a situation gets to be self perpetuating. We feel on the edge so act insecure and become more on the edge. So change the pattern. Take up something new. Break the cycle even if it's not taking up the most exciting hobby in the world just shake things up a bit.

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