To feel really lonely

(17 Posts)
Cornishmumoftwo Mon 29-Aug-16 12:37:18

I know I need to be told to pull myself together but I feel really down and lonely. I fled dv 18 months ago and have lived in my current village for just over a year and know no one. Made no friends at the school, it's extremely clicky. Have joined a one parent support group but no friends there either. Tried mush but no one local on there. The only friend I did have has just moved 300 miles away. My parents have recently moved and are now only about 30 miles away but I don't like to impose and more often than not they're busy. All other family are 250 miles away. I've got 2 children, both are very young and I'm so worried they're missing out. They are a handful on their own so we don't tend to do much. I'm beginning to think it would just be easier to go back to the ex.

MatildaTheCat Mon 29-Aug-16 12:45:50

Sounds very hard. Well done for getting safe and starting a new life. Is there a local playground you can go to? Take a picnic and hang out for a while, after a time you will recognise others and get chatting. It does take a while to build up new friends and aquaintances but sadly it won't happen if you don't go anywhere.

Smile and say hello, someone will smile back.

TheProblemOfSusan Mon 29-Aug-16 13:08:20

That sounds really hard, I'm sorry it's all been a bit miserable, and yanbu to feel lonely. It sounds like you've been trying all the right things, too. Money is probably very tight but if not then another option might be a class, like art or something?

SpiritedLondon Mon 29-Aug-16 13:11:06

it does sound like you are in a slightly isolated situation and good old British reserve does make it a challenge to make new friends as an adult ( in the best of circumstances. In the 5 years that I've been living in my town I've made 2 pretty good friends and am friendly with a couple of others ( but see them more sporadically) and I haven't had the dram you have. My family are also hundreds of miles away which makes it more difficult to get out and socialise. In all cases I've got to know people through activities with my DD ( or because of her). When she started pre school I spent a year smiling at other Mums but it actually took my DD making friends herself for me to actually get to know the Mums, and then I had to be proactive. You just need to meet one sociable parent for you to be introduced to other people. I don't mean to sound glib but have you invited anyone over for a play date or do you feel awkward about that? Are your kids at school? Are there any positions you feel like you could hold at school like class rep or on the PTA or similar? I get that this is not everyone's cup of tea but my DD's new school have tons of activities and events and I'm sure getting stuck into helping in some way will inevitably lead you to meet other people.

I think other than that my advice would be to be kind to yourself. You have made a huge brave move that lots of women never get the courage to Make You have rescued your children from a poisonous home life and although it seems bad now this challenge is far less than you have already faced. I know you can do it. 🌺

Mittensonastring Mon 29-Aug-16 13:14:06

Do not go back to your ex under any circumstances. As well as a risk to you your DC will have messed up lives and may themselves then fall in to abusive relationships as its what they know.

Are your DC in nursery or at school yet?

Is there any chance you could move to a more populated area, many villages are very clicky. Only free meet people thing I can think of is voluntary work.

JenLindleyShitMom Mon 29-Aug-16 13:15:05

Hi OP do you have surestart in your area? Do you have a social worker or support worker? I would get in touch with one of the above if possible and ask if they can suggest groups/classes etc for socialisation. Are either of your DC In nursery or school?

BackforGood Mon 29-Aug-16 13:16:24

I agree with everything Spirited said.
How old are the dc - pre-schoolers or at school?
That is probably your best way into getting to know people - through playgroups or volunteering at the school, etc.
Would you think about going to your local Church? Another good way to get to know people in the community, unless of course you object to Christianity grin

Muddlewitch Mon 29-Aug-16 13:19:16

You have done an amazing thing to get away from an abusive relationship, for yourself and your children. Their lives and futures will be immeasurably better for it.

Is there anything you could volunteer to help with, with the children? Local toddler groups, library activities, walking groups, church groups, you libraries, food banks etc all rely on volunteers and it can be easier to feel a part of it that way than just going along.

Are there any social media sites that relate to your local area, I quite often see posts on our local FB pages (eg X area mums or X area NCT) from people who are new to the area. There are Mumsnet local pages too although the one for here isn't very active.

Also, I'm about to commit a dreadful sun by mentioning it on here but...Netmums meets a mum board is good, I met a few people through there when mine were tiny that I am still friends with now, I lived in a village then too.

If you are feeling like that you can bet others are too.

manyathingyouknow Mon 29-Aug-16 13:24:21

I'd rather your children missed out a bit socially than be taken back to an abusive household. DO NOT GO BACK.

keep trying at various classes etc and you will find friendship when you least expect it. Can you volunteer in a charity shop etc just to get you chatting with people?

Speak to your parents too. They don't sound like bad people and they may be willing to help you.

Cornishmumoftwo Mon 29-Aug-16 13:31:30

Thanks everyone. My little ones are 2 and 6. I did wonder about the pta but the meetings are in the evening. Haven't joined any other groups (not that there is much as its a pretty small village and having been fortunate enough to get social housing, moving wouldn't be easy.) ive tried smiling at other mums but when they look through you and then turn to someone else and start talking about the birthday party their child had (same class as my son who wasn't invited and she's chairwoman of the local playgroup) I've lost the confidence to try again.

JenLindleyShitMom Mon 29-Aug-16 13:37:43

Ok so that's good that your child is in school. Does he mention any friends? I would start inviting people for play dates. Does he have a birthday coming up? Have a small party for a few friends. Have a back to school party (before they go back) a Halloween party/xmas party. Find a reason to strike up a conversation at pick up time. Like asking about where a parent got their child's lovely coat/book bag from. If the DCs have something going on in school, a show or special assembly make chit chat about it with another parent, asking what part their child has (even if you already know and don't actually care!)

SeaCabbage Mon 29-Aug-16 13:38:02

You are doing so well. It sounds difficult but you are trying which is great.

Sounds like you are going to have to persevere and be even braver.

I know what you mean about the PTA meetings. Stupid to have them in the evenings.

Do keep trying though.

Laiste Mon 29-Aug-16 13:38:25

That's pants. I know how cliquey small villages can be. (I'm in one now and am desperate to move before DD gets to nursary age!)

If you're stuck where you are for now, could you ask your older DC if they have anyone they'd like to have over for a play date? You might strike lucky with a friendly mum once you're one to one IYSWIM? You can invite different kids over the weeks and sort of try out the mums ;)

kelbb Mon 29-Aug-16 15:01:39

Don't tell us where you're based, to avoid outing, but if you're in Cambridgeshire, pm me and we can meet up!

otter2954 Mon 29-Aug-16 15:07:01

I think she may be in Cornwall ...

Justwanttoweeinpeace Mon 29-Aug-16 15:09:24

Have you tried the MNsocial Facebook group from here? It's helped me a bit.

Littlefluffyclouds81 Mon 29-Aug-16 15:23:24

I can completely empathise. I got moved because of DV, I've been here Nearly 3 years now (very small town, pretty much a village). It's so hard to rebuild your life. I know I was feeling very depressed, scared and struggling to process what had happened. Not really in the right headspace to get out there and socialise! I have made one good friend, my neighbour, who I got to know after about 1.5 years here. She is brilliant and I don't know what I'd do without her. I hope you manage to find a similar friendship soon - mine was very random, I knocked on her door because of the ongoing problem of the howling dogs that lived between us, and we just hit it off!

Like you, I have made no progress at school making friends, but I've kind of gone past the point of caring. Are there any other community things that you could get involved in? I know it's hard as a single parent and I'd rather eat wasps than be on the PTA.

I think the best way to manage is to find stuff to occupy your time so you can't dwell on the loneliness, I started a business from home which keeps me busy, and I'm doing a full time degree. Is there a Facebook page for your village? I know it seems like a massive thing to do but maybe put a message on there explaining that you are fairly new to the area and as a single mum find it hard to get out and meet people. Chances are there will be others who are in a similar boat. I was contemplating doing this but luckily made friends with my neighbour!

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