to crack down on this rude behaviour?(130 Posts)
DD was born a week ago.
Inlaws, DH's dad and his girlfriend, came to visit when she was two days old. They arrived at 9am and didn't leave until 7.30pm... we were bloody exhausted and weren't expecting them to stay quite so long. Nothing in messages exchanged beforehand suggested it would be an all-day thing.
We ended up feeding them lunch and dinner (they brought their breakfast with them!) while they literally sat on the sofa all day drinking tea made by me and DH. I'm breastfeeding, and at that point hadn't figured out her latch 100% so walked, injured cowboy style, upstairs every hour to feed the baby. No offers to remove themselves to another room. No offers to do anything at all apart from sit and cuddle the baby between feeds, watch TV and eat
They didn't even get up to take their cups to the kitchen and waited for me or DH to clear the plates from their laps. They also didn't bring a congratulations card (not that that matters at all, but given their behaviour it was like the cherry on top of an ill-mannered cupcake)
To be fair they're usually like this, and it is annoying. But we thought they'd be better visitors with a newborn baby around. Obviously not.
They want to visit again tomorrow. I really don't want a repeat of last week where we're waiting on them hand-and-foot but I don't exactly know how to avoid it once they're here, parked on the sofa, refusing to move
Ignore the door, shut the curtains. Cheeky buggers
Dear god you absolute saint for not killing them dead after a couple of hours!
Definitely don't let this go on. How rude of them.
Surely you just need to talk to them. Explain you'd love to see them but can only manage visitors for an hour today as you're all tired. Invite them mid afternoon or mid morning when no meals will be expected. Then if they don't show any signs of leaving after an hour just stand up and say that as explained you're all exhausts do you'll look forward to seeing them again in a week or two.
No no no! Tell them no. Seriously you don't need it. Not convenient, knackered. You have to set the boundaries now.
If they turn up just go about your normal life like having a shower, getting baby ready and going off to the park/shops/wherever. Don't even apologise or excuse yourself. Just do it. When you're ready to leave just say "lovely to see you, we're off to X now"
Your DH needs to manage this situation and either say they can only stay a couple of hours or let them know when you're ready for them to go.
A nine hour visit to a newborn is ridiculous - I wonder if they aren't v socially aware and think they're being supportive/don't want to look disinterested.
Tell them not to visit? Or if you feel you have to have them the midwife and health visitor are coming to talk to you and your dh in an hour and they'll need to leave.
But the best is to set boundaries now which is your dhs job since he's the son and your recovering from your dds birth. He needs to be honest and say it was far too long, only an hour or two at the most right now and they'll have to sort themselves out if they need anything and you won't be going upstairs. If you want privacy then your dh will be loudly exclaiming that they need to leave or go to another room.
Oh dear me, no. An hour or two at most, if you feel up to it.
They're family, can you not just talk to them?
Tell them they're welcome to pop in and see the baby, but as you're both exhausted, you'd like them to make it an hour's visit.
Sorry, we can't do tomorrow. That's it. You don't need to explain. Next time they visit, say you are going out at so and so time and then you have a reason to kick them out. Don't make endless tea, lunch, or offer biscuits.
Can you make your excuses tomorrow?
"I'm really sorry, I forgot I have arranged to see a friend/midwife (delete as appropriate) at 12, so I'll need to start getting ready at 11.30."
Say it with a big smile, and come 11.30, remind them that they're leaving.
"Right, it's that time, could you do me a favour & dump your cups in the kitchen on your way out".
Just tell them it would be lovely to see them but you are recovering from giving birth and establishing breastfeeding. You found last week exhausting so you have introduced a 'help yourself' system regarding food and drink! People are so thoughtless I'm sorry you had to deal with that.
YADNBU. cant add to the advice of PP - you or DH need to talk to them and explain they outstayed their welcome last week!
Why on earth didn't you or dh tell them to bugger off and/or refuse to let them in so early?
I think u or preferably DH, need to set up some new rules for these people. It's really bad with newborn, but u aren't going to want them loafing for whole days when baby is older either really! Tell them u had loads of visitors lately, and they can come in a week maybe, to start with, then...
Tell them beforehand what part of the day they can come for ('we're having a lie in, so ur welcome after lunch, say 1pm; and we do need to go into town before the shops close'...)
They live a 45 minute drive away which is why they like to stay so long, I think. But still.
We were thinking of just saying they can only stay for a couple of hours and risk upsetting FIL's girlfriend can be very... emotional.
But we've said before when they've visited, that they'd have to leave before a certain time and the time has dragged on, and on... until suddenly they'd jump off the sofa to go get themselves ready in our bathroom because they were off out somewhere nice. They'd brought their clothes in a bag specifically to get ready at our house, disregarding completely what we said about times prior to them visiting. So they have major form for just ignoring whatever we say!
I would say no. Tell them you need time to bond with your baby. I think what they did was incredibly rude in the first place. How could they not know they were over staying their welcome? They're taking the biscuit there.
Tell them (or get DH to tell them) in advance it will be an hour max as you are exhausted etc. DH needs to enforce this by reminding them at 50 mins that you're all tired but it's been great to see them, and at 55 mins be clearer but smiley and friendly and say it's time for you to leave, it's family nap time now.
Re drinks etc - when they arrive, say - help yourself to tea or coffee, the stuff is in the kitchen, and I'd love a tea thanks! Leave a pack of biscuits out (if you want to offer biscuits).
Ask them politely to help - please could you put your cups in the sink, please could you make me some toast, etc. Some people need to be explicitly but politely be told what to do as it's not obvious to everyone. Sometimes I think it's a relief for some people when they are clearly told the rules.
Plan it with DH and arrange a code between you to say when you've had enough, when you need them to leave, or when you want baby back from them. Get DH to help you as it's hard when you're post partum and so vulnerable.
You don't have to let them hold baby by the way! Just say baby needs mummy today or whatever. Nobody is owed a cuddle. And you know what is best for your baby.
Also you don't have to have them round at all if you don't want to, especially you're having trouble getting bf sorted. Totally acceptable to cancel and say you're not up to it. This is one time in your life where you and baby come first, and everyone else and their wishes come way down below yours.
"No" is a fabulous word, OP, and here I think you have every justifiable right to use it.
I hope you get some peace and quiet - and congratulations on your new baby DD
Just tell them you are really tired and they can visit again in a few days.
I have baby twins and have no issue with saying to visitors "right, the twins and I are going to have a nap, it was lovely to see you"
I've then taken the babies upstairs and shut the bedroom door.
We've had visitors both Saturday and Sunday this weekend, so when MIL asked to visit today (BH Monday), DH said "sorry, we're all tired and need some time to ourselves. You can come one evening after work, or next weekend"
If they don't respect what you say to them, don't let them come at all. Tell them you're not up to a visit right now.
I don't see the need for all the passive aggressive, "nice" ways people often suggest for getting rid of people. Be honest, tell them you're exhausted and you need a couple of weeks without visitors to bond with the baby and get your strength back.
Wowza that sounds like my idea of hell.
My dp is under strict instructions if it gets too much for me he tells people in a very polite way, ' we are having a family day tomorrow just us and the kids, maybe we shall see you Thursday instead ' or something to that effect
Ring them and say you're going to postpone tomorrow's visit as you're shattered but will rearrange soon.
Do not understand some people staying all day?! I would have actually gone upstairs.
Ring them today and tell them they can't come!Do not say you can come but only for this ammount of time being as you've tried that before and it didn't work.
When your feeling upto it could you go and visit them?It would mean they'd be the one's making tea and coffee,tidying up and you could make the visit as long or as short as you wanted it to be.
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