Whose "job" is it?

[Champagneformyrealfriends]

DD is 5 months old. I take her regularly to see my parents as I have a good relationship with them and they live close to us.

DH barely sees his mum-it's a very strange relationship. She wasn't bothered about us until DD was born and even then seems to only want to see DD by herself and not with us there.

DH says it's my job, not his, to make sure DD sees his mum-I don't feel comfortable visiting by myself because she's not always been very nice to me and spends a lot of time trying to force me to leave DD with her overnight which I'm lot ready for. She never rings us or comes to visit-just expects us to take DD to her.

So my AIBU is- AIBU to think it's not upto me to make sure MIL sees DD?

[mrsfuzzy]

total bollocks on his part, lazy git, just because he has problems with his 'd'm.

[Champagneformyrealfriends]

Thanks mrs that's exactly what I said to him!

[mrsfuzzy]

total bollys on his part, lazy git, just because he has a 'weird' relationship with his 'd'm

[BeingATwatItsABingThing]

Umm... How is that your job? It's his mother.

[insancerre]

Yanbu
I wouldn't take her
Make her come to you
But, if he does take DC on his own, your MIL might persuade him to leave her overnight
It will be harder to get out of it

[Champagneformyrealfriends]

He says because I'm on mat leave I have the time and that I should make sure she sees all her GP, not just my parents

[mrsfuzzy]

sorry, having a mad moment , dc is his child too but as relations are dodgy he wants to pass the buck ? i don't think so, you don't get on with her either but you are expected to sort it out ?? if gm wants to see gc she needs to stop out the nonsense with her ds and talk with him. not sure i'd go with this gc on her own with gm either. too many men seem to pass the buck to us women, see it every day on mn, it's got to stop.

[Champagneformyrealfriends]

insancerre he never takes her on his own-he won't go without me. But that is a good point!

[BeingATwatItsABingThing]

Oh and don't let her bully you into leaving her. I let mine bully me into letting her take my DD for a "10 minute walk around the block". An hour and a half later they came back to me having a panic attack and thinking they had been hit by a car!

[TheGirlOnTheLanding]

His mum, his job.

[SomedayBaby]

Hmm...I do get where he's coming from. As the one on mat leave, you are the one with the time to take the baby visiting and i'm also assuming wouldn't want your oh disappearing off with dc every other weekend for visiting (or however frequently).

If dh was a SAHD to ours and only ever took them to visit his side of the family, it would piss me off tbph.

[Champagneformyrealfriends]

You're right mrs it does have to stop! I'm getting sick of it.

[Champagneformyrealfriends]

Someday absolutely-I see your point. I have tried to go in the past but it was really awkward. They never ask me to go over so I don't feel welcome really.

[VeryBitchyRestingFace]

If he doesn't give a rat's arse about seeing his mother, why the fuck should you???

I'm at his cheek!

Is this the only area that he's totes bloody unreasonable in?

[Champagneformyrealfriends]

Beinga I wrote a thread about it a while ago-the sleepover thing. She's put an awful lot of pressure on us.

[Champagneformyrealfriends]

To be fair very it is-he's pretty good usually. His mum brings out the worst in him.

[ToFindAndWakeTheDreamer]

DH clearly has a difficult relationship with his mother and is off-loading the anxiety of the situation onto you. It's not fair on you at all, but it's very unhelpful for others to say that DH is just being lazy.

Imagine the response a husband would get if he complained that his wife wouldn't take their kids round to see her father because she had a "very strange relationship" with him. He'd probably be accused of pressuring his wife to do something she really didn't want to do. "Very strange" would also be interpreted as "emotionally abusive".

There is a bit of a bias here on MN against sons of emotionally challenging mothers. There's a gender stereotype that presents men like this as emotionally feeble and even selfish, the assumption being that "real" men should be able to stand up to their mother irrespective of how controlling she was during childhood. That attitude is basically victim blaming.

OP, I would suggest your DH seeks some therapy to explore the relationship he has with his mother, it's quite possible there is some emotional damage there that should be addressed.

[Soubriquet]

If your MIL wants to see her granddaughter she will make the time to come and see her.

Pure and simple. It is not your job to take her round.

[m0therofdragons]

I think relationships are complex. It's noone's "job" but I would take dc to see in laws on my own. Dc love their GPs and family is important to me (even though my pil are a bit nuts, when you marry you are joining two families so pil are my family now too). Dh was working so I had the time to ensure pil got to spend time with dc while on mat leave. Dh is also keen for a relationship to grow so why wouldn't I support that? I do find mn odd how dh's family is "his" - having know dh and his family 15 years I find that a sad way to see in laws.

[TwoWeeksInCyprus]

she's not always been very nice to me and spends a lot of time trying to force me to leave DD with her overnight

There's no way I'd leave a young child with a woman like that, MIL or not

[19lottie82]

As above, if MIL wants to see her GC, then it is her "job" to come visit. No one else's responsibility.

[Nocabbageinmyeye]

Not a hope, your husband is being a knob, definitely do not bend on this. I love the way he can stand up to you but not to his mammy, get him to tell her she can go round to your if she wants to see the dc too, let them sort it themselves.

I never visited my in-laws without dh there, he would visit my Dad himself though as they get on so well, you either have that relationship or that sense of welcome or you don't, if you don't have them no way would I be making myself uncomfortable for him/his mother

[Topseyt]

HIS mother, HIS responsibility to arrange contact.

When my babies were born I would have naturally gravitated towards my own parents. I did get on well enough with DH's parents, but it would not have been a natural leaning for me. I would not have been comfortable going on my own.

We went to both sets of grandparents as a family. He arranged it with his side and I arranged it with mine. No quibbling.

Perhaps your DH remains under the misapprehension that maternity leave is a long holiday. If so then he needs to be corrected on that. Swiftly.

[sentia]

Having a relationship with grandparents isn't mandatory. I didn't see mine at all until I was about seven and from then on maybe once every year or two (they lived a 14 hour drive away).

Part of the reason for my parents not making more of an effort was because my mum's dad HATED my dad and made visits very awkward, and my dad's mum just seemed to like making everyone feel uncomfortable. If it's not a pleasant environment then what makes your DH think your DD will enjoy it and find it beneficial?

[Sara107]

A lot of men still seem to feel that the keeping it touch thing is women's work. If he wants his child to see his mother it is up to him to make the arrangements. Presumably he has days off work and he can visit then. He doesn't want to see his mum so is passing the buck to you, just say no!