Aibu to feel pushed out?(15 Posts)
This is my first post though I've been lurking for a while. I'm a single mum and have 2 close friends who I rely on for company and up to now I've handled being a single parent well. One if my close friends has recently made a new group of friends and I feel pushed out. We've known each other 10 years, our children are close, we spent our last Mat leave 2 years ago together. She's now started going out at night drinking with these new friends, they do things as couples that I'm either not invited to, or don't really fit into. I'm not as outgoing as her and I feel like now she's met more fun friends she no longer needs me so has pushed me away.
On the other side of it, if I do something and don't invite her she gets a face on. I don't know how to handle it. I miss her, I want the closeness so I feel like I'm clinging on to something that's not there anymore. I can be possessive because I have few friends but value them massively. How do I stop being like that? I could really do with some advice but please be gentle I'm a little fragile.
Oh bless you. It's sounds like you are struggling.
But I do think you need to understand that people can have more than one group of friends that they do different things with.
My best friend and I will go out together with our dhs. While I wouldn't exclude anyone else, we like goinmg out as a foursome. I have friends that don't particularly like going out eating and drinking and are happier meeting for coffee. So we do that.
Sometimes inviting other people who don't know the others can change the dynamic and I know some of my friends wouldn't really get on with other friends. So I do avoid mixing groups of friends.
The fact that she gets upset when you exclude her could mean she is a bit of a tit. Or that she just thinks you wouldn't want to join her (or enjoy it) and her newish friends, but still wants to spend time with you away from them.
It's a hard one, because no one wants to be excluded. But I also don't think that someone has to integrate all their friends into one group and that doesn't often work out well.
Can you talk to her about how you feel?
You say you can be possessive. Can you explain that more? I am thinking that perhaps she feel overwhelmed by you and wants to make other friends to give her some space. It can be very difficult to have a friend that is full on and doesn't like you having other friends.
I sympathise massively OP, I've suffered exactly the same problem and judging by people's posts on Facebook , this kind of thing appears to remain a common problem among grown adult women - and I'm no exception!! I've been possessive as well and have feelings of jealousy BUT I do recognise when I get like this it would be far more productive to work on my self confidence in general - because you've always got YOU, iyswim but no one on earth can ABSOLUTELY guarantee their friends /famiily even if they're part of a huge social circle ! This is why it's such a good thing to invest in themselves. That said, I've felt similar emotions to the ones you're describing very recently do I totally know how unpleasant it feels. As for your frien, decide if you really want to be friends with her. If she 'gets a face on' as you put it, maybe she's not the most emotionally mature person to have as a friend? Just a thought! What I would do if you REALLY want to be friends with her as I've done before is ask her out on a social occasion e.g. coffee etc. If she doesn't seem keen, you know where you stand. Hope this helps OP. x
I have the same situation OP where I feel I'm clinging to something that's not there anymore - in relation to 2 friends of mine. In my case I feel the relationship may have gone stake and maybe it's time for me to turn the page..
Yes to echo what a PP said, I've been the OTHER side of the coin too, and hate it when someone's possessive. I feel 'hemmed in'
I'm worried I'm the person pp describes and I don't know how to stop those feelings. But I try and branch out, make new friends and either she gets included anyway. I feel awkward not inviting her. She does invite me along to stuff but I just don't feel like I fit in. And I feel like she doesn't really want me there.
For example I'm going to the gym later with one of them. She found out this was happening and I could see she was annoyed (she can't come she's busy). I fit in fine 1 on 1 with people I'm just not very outgoing and great in big group situations.
Maybe she is just annoyed she can't make it as she would like to. That doesn't mean she is annoyed at you.
If she invites you and you don't want to go, that's on you. She can't inly see people you feel comfortable around and only do things you would want to.
She is allowed different groups of friends and entitled to see those friends away from you.
It is starting to sound like the issue is how you feel about yourself and your expectations. I can't really see what she is doing wrong or how she is responsible for the way you feel. I think you need to do some work on yourself. And I mean that kindly.
You are putting a lot of pressure on her and it's unlikely to help the friendship.
it is difficult, but there is some great advice from pps hope it works put for you.
I think you're right pp, I am feeling really insecure atm. We do a lot together, always have, but lately I feel like I've been second choice. Your words have struck a cord tbh.
The other issue I have I that I introduced her to my other best friend and we became a threesome for a bit. Then she started spending time with this other group but still gets annoyed if other friend and I do things without her. It's like a political minefield and I'm so fed up worrying about it.
So I guess the question is, how do I change how I feel and how I behave? I don't want to be that person. It's pathetic and in turn affects my confidence.
I always think it's important to have seperate friendship groups personally I'm going away with the girls from uni for my 30th but not invited the girls I went to school with mostly because they have children. I would suggest joining some groups and expanding your circle, you can still be friends with your friend aswell but also with others.
Tbh, it's sounds like she is also struggling with the third friend and the mixing of friendship groups too.
Maybe you need a heart to heart with her. Perhaps she is seeking other friends because she feels you are pushing her out.
You may be both feeling the same.
How you change yourself is very difficult. It really depends on what you are feeling, why you feel it and where it comes from.
how do I change how I feel and how I behave?
Ok OP my advice in the first instance is to forget about friends as such for the moment and work on your self confidence. Think about what you are proud of. Were you brave, for example in a particular situation - did you keep going in a situation even when finding it very tough physically/emotionally? These things imo can be used to build self confidence. Confidence improves your interactions generally with people, and anyone who may have previously regarded you as a 'victim' in some way, will leave your life or be forced to change their behaviour towards you. Then in a few months time, I would concentrate on reconnecting with your friend - if you still really want to, that is. In the meantime, you can get an idea of how she feels about you and her reactions etc etc. It will be hard, and there will be some days when you feel in low mood - like I am today - !! - but keep going - it'll be worth it!!
I think her and other friend did struggle and now it's all a bit awkward. I've never pushed her out though, but possibly that's part of the problem, I invite her along to everything I ever do, including activities with new friends. It's always been like that but recently it's changed.
I'm going to distance myself a bit, I find it so hard but I will save this thread and read it again. I've spent the last hour mulling over all of your comments. It's really useful getting opinions from people who don't know everyone involved.
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