To find this person hard to deal with?

(11 Posts)
Zoolander Sat 27-Aug-16 09:22:32

I have a relative that I just don't know how to cope with, they overstep my boundaries and I'm not sure if I'm bu.

They are a relative but also a friend but at times I find them hard to take. For example.

If I don't answer the phone they will ring continuously on mobile and landline and several texts. I can come from doing something to find 10 or more missed calls.

I'll go to their house or out for lunch for an agreed arrangement but they'll spend the entire time on the phone.

They'll offer to do things that I didn't even want in the first place then get all narked when I won't do a favour in return.

They say inappropriate things like for example telling people things I've said about them but making it sound worse by saying it out of context.

Telling people inappropriate things about me like telling a shop assistant "she's had a row with her husband" supposedly in a jokey way but annoying and embarrassing.

Telling my dc that they can do things that we won't be able to do without checking first then I'm left with the disappointment.

Questioning everything and pulling faces about my choices for example if I'm driving somewhere telling me I should get the train and getting annoyed when I won't take their advice, or telling me I shouldn't have bought X and should have bought Y because it's better/cheaper/nicer.

Or if I say I can't do something on a particular day telling me I should change plans and questioning why I won't.

I think this person genuinely believes that hey don't do anything wrong but I'm an introvert and I can't cope with the above.

Fortybingowings Sat 27-Aug-16 09:28:09

Weird, annoying and possibly mildly personality disordered. Distance yourself

ZenMom Sat 27-Aug-16 09:42:26

Doesn't sound as if the relationship does anything positive for you. If you're willing to put up with it and you get something worthwhile from the relationship then continue, but it sounds like you don't so if be distancing myself. I don't like to have people around me that drain me.

brightspark2 Sat 27-Aug-16 09:46:55

That's not a friend.

Pimmmms Sat 27-Aug-16 09:48:39

Controlling and overbearing! Is it your mother or sister?! They are the only 2 relationships i could fathom you not having distanced yourself from a long time ago.

You really need to start setting boundaries.

Zoolander Sat 27-Aug-16 10:02:37

I'd rather not say exactly the relationship but I find it difficult to distance myself.

We do have times occasionally that are nice but they always return to form. This person really seems to believe that they are helping and being nice.

HonkHonkNose Sat 27-Aug-16 10:05:48

Sounds like a right nightmare. Life is too short for that rubbish. If you don't get anything positive from the relationship I would reduce contact.

Birdsgottafly Sat 27-Aug-16 10:20:01

My Adult DD does everything that you describe. She has ADHD and is a MH manager.

We have to remind her that we don't need managing, we're independent Adults with the capability of making our own decisions.

We challenge her, a lot and when the situation is over with, say getting major DIY done, then we talk it through with her.

We've pointed out that she has us walking on eggshells, at times.

It doesn't completely stop everything, but we feel that we know have s voice and she does see that she should be respecting our bounderies.

We asked her if she wants us to stop sharing things with her and she doesn't, so she 'works' on herself.

In theory, this shouldn't have to happen, but we wouldn't cut off someone just because they struggle with a Condition. You do have to protect yourself (and your MH), alongside, though.

CoraPirbright Sat 27-Aug-16 10:27:23

I don't think that this has anything with you being an introvert. Even the most outgoing, garrulous person would find that hard to cope with! You say that you are unable to withdraw - could you not do it very very slowly, easing back to make things more manageable for you. But put your foot down with the ridiculous amount of calls - its like you have a stalker!

oldestmumaintheworld Sat 27-Aug-16 10:28:12

This is a person to stay well away from. Just because they are a relative doesn't mean that you have to engage with them ... ever. None of us have to have people in our lives we don't want to.

user1470997562 Sat 27-Aug-16 12:16:06

I was going to say personality disorder too interestingly, even though I'm completely unqualified to say so. I have a relative a bit like this.

My strategies are repeatedly setting my boundaries (it never sinks in), limiting contact time (I get exhausted having to deal with her), challenging her (when she's starting on me - eat this, wear that, don't buy that), and not giving her much personal information (she tends to twist it, obsess about it, interefere).

I think if you don't challenge her, which is difficult if you are an introvert, it can spiral out of control. It's almost as though if I give in to one thing, she'll up the pace and push and push until I feel absolutely furious.

I'd be interested to know if your friend/relative has many other people in their life. My relative doesn't - she alienates everybody and has done for decades. But has no self awareness about it at all.

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