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AIBU?

For being angry that my son did not see his Dad one last time before he died?

37 replies

1forward2back3sideways · 26/08/2016 03:43

After being broke for nearly 6 weeks concentrix decided I wasn't committing fraud and living with my ex partner....paid off all my unpaid bills and arranged for my ex to have our children so I could take my eldest to see his Dad, belated, as had promised to do this at the start of the summer holidays. Plan was to go this weekend. Was contacted today to be told that his Dad died yesterday 😢😢 can't even comprehend the news I have been told, can't even begin to imagine how I am going to tell my son this news tomorrow, heartbroken for him. I know tax credits is a benefit and some may not agree with this but in this country the law states I need it to raise my children. I feel now that my son had paid the worse price ever for a nasty company being allowed to strip families of what they need to function and he never has the opportunity to ever see his Dad again. I just can't understand that I thought the least of my problems was how to supply food which is a perishable item to find out the biggest cost was my son seeing his Dad one last time!

OP posts:

Report

ConvincingLiar · 26/08/2016 03:53

You poor thing. I think the tax credits is a bit of a red herring though. Your son could have spent the last fortnight with his dad and his death would have been no less sad.

0hCrepe · 26/08/2016 03:59

That is so sad I'm so sorry. Your poor ds.
I didn't get to see dbrother for a while before he died as I'd been away and then hadn't been to visit him. It's not a nice feeling. I understand you're angry but please don't add not seeing his df and why to your son's grief. It is a bad coincidence but no one is to blame for the timing.

1forward2back3sideways · 26/08/2016 04:04

Not a red herring at all in my opinion. Some people, like me live week to week on tax credits and after suspending my payments due to some wild belief I live with a partner my children and I went without the basics that every family in this country are entitled to if they earn below a certain threshold. So definitely not a red herring! I saved all I could so my children had a nice summer holiday and the main factor of that was my little boy seeing his Dad, which was important him and I, you only get two parents. The same company that stopped my money decided that they stopped my money for no good reason but the repercussions of that are that my son forgo his chance to see his Dad before he died.

OP posts:

0hCrepe · 26/08/2016 04:06

Was he very ill? How often would your ds normally see him?

1forward2back3sideways · 26/08/2016 04:10

I know I'm going to get a virtual beating for this and I don't even care right now...someone is to blame. The hmrc for deciding my family can live for 6 weeks without the money the law in this country states we are legally allowed to claim. I have already been awarded all the back pay of tax credits that they took away from us for weeks on end. Just a shame that was to late for my son to see his Dad! I have already looked into the company that the hmrc have appointed to take such authority and quite frankly it's wrong! I may be a bit foggy eyed at the moment through grief but what is the point in a system that is there to support children when one company is given the power to take it away bass on whimsical information?

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1forward2back3sideways · 26/08/2016 04:16

It wasn't coincidence that I was targeted by this company though...since Nivember 2014 and Jan 2016 over 250,000 parents have been accused of fraudulently claiming as a single parent! May as well pull out the old style yellow pages and get highlighter happy on those numbers! Only 19,000 have been proven to be claiming fraudulently. Yet the law states in a previous case that it is the onus lays on the HMRC to prove guilt... Clearly it's one law for the rich tax evaders and another for the poorer in society! I'm sure they don't siege the assets of the rich which are bought from robbing the tax man until they have a case sound enough for court.

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0hCrepe · 26/08/2016 04:16

No doubt about it, it was s shitty thing to do. I'm just saying don't add that into the pot when you tell your ds.
He doesn't need the extra element of guilt for not seeing him, you need to protect him from that. Be as angry as you like but don't say to your ds that he should/would have seen him if it hadn't been for that. It's just an extra burden he doesn't need.

1forward2back3sideways · 26/08/2016 04:18

My son will never know that the two ran hand in hand as to why he didn't see his dad sooner, although he isn't dim. He knew the promise was to see his Dad at the beginning of the holidays and I'm pretty sure he knows why he didn't in the end! My only saving grace is that this weekend was meant to be a surprise visit for him. Yet now I am laying in bed trying to fathom how to tell him his Dad has died.

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0hCrepe · 26/08/2016 04:21

How did he die? Was it unexpected?

mumsmyothername · 26/08/2016 04:21

Oh I really feel for you! I'm so sorry for your loss. This is the all too familiar lack of safety net and accountability in our present day welfare system. In the charity sector, it's much more apparent. An old fellow, the other week, with just a can of beans in his cupboard, it's a national disgrace. I do hope you and your son can get to a place of peace over this...But this needless persecution of ordinary people really makes my blood boil.

1forward2back3sideways · 26/08/2016 04:21

I would never outright tell my son why we didn't make it to his Dad at the start of the holidays, what I was typing at the same time was, he knew why not ask if we were still going as he understands that petrol costs money and I didn't have money at the time. I do know have the money though, to drive him to his Dad's funeral.

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1forward2back3sideways · 26/08/2016 04:32

Oh crepe it may be that I am upset but I am not going to reply to your comments anymore. I'm not up for sharing how another person died due to someone's repeated asking. Seems a bit morbid really, to my son it won't matter how he died, the end result is still the same.im not sure what bearing that has on the anger I feel. Unless for some reason you want to find a way to decide, well that was to be expected, or oh it's his own fault, or to just fulfill your own morbid curiosity. In my mind (which may be unreasonable) if it wasn't for the HMRC hiring some pre telecommunications company to decide the fate of normal everyday people and whether they are committing fraud or not, my son would have had one last chance to see his Dad.

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1forward2back3sideways · 26/08/2016 04:34

Thank you mumsmyorhername, I will make sure my son finds peace in this, it is my most important job right now!

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OnceThereWasThisGirlWho · 26/08/2016 05:16

Seems a bit morbid really, to my son it won't matter how he died, the end result is still the same.im not sure what bearing that has on the anger I feel.

If his death was expected, ie. he was terminally ill, then it seems even more awful that your DS couldn't see him in time. I think that's why OhCrepe was asking.

I understand why the DWP don't want genuine fraudsters to continue claiming, but immediately stopping benefits while they investigate is very harsh on genuine claimants.

This is a horrible coincidence that both these things came at the same time, no wonder you feel so shocked and angry. As you have said yourself you will need to somehow lay that aside and just be there for your DS. (Of course you can vent here!) All the best.

0hCrepe · 26/08/2016 05:34

I asked because you said you didn't know how to tell your ds so if we had more idea we could maybe give some suggestions how to break it to him.
Nothing to do with looking for blame, I assure you. Of course it's nobody's fault that he died, whatever happened. Not morbid curiosity either, but it can help to talk it over. It really isn't your fault. That's why I shared earlier my feelings about not seeing my dbrother before he died.
If you just want to be angry that's ok, it's just when you said you were trying to work out how to tell him. It also depends how old he is, to make it age appropriate.

Thattimeofyearagain · 26/08/2016 06:21

My god, they are hateful. A close friend has had horrendous problems with them and been investigated twice , her situation concerns a terminal illness. They are heartless & from her experience I an convinced that they do indeed target single parents. to you and your ds.

throwingpebbles · 26/08/2016 06:30

Huge sympathies to you all.

And yes, I was dependent on tax credits for a year, last year. It is the most monstrous, twisted, poverty trap of a system and it needs huge reform. Don't blame you at all for being angry!!!

SillyMoomin · 26/08/2016 06:34

I pass on my sympathies op to your son and to you

But why couldn't your son's dad come visit you at the beginning of the summer? Why is the onus all on you to make it happen? Don't let the guilt become too heavy

MaudlinNamechange · 26/08/2016 06:41

OP I am so sorry. I am so sad and angry for you. Deep sympathy to you and your son.

insancerre · 26/08/2016 06:46

Why couldn't his dad travel to see his son?

I get that you are feeling angry, its understandable. But, if you had no money for travel, then couldn't you have told his dad that and arranged for him to make travel arrangements to see his son

youarenotkiddingme · 26/08/2016 06:51

I'm so sorry you've been through this. there are lots of charities available to help you and DS through this. Hopefully some wise MNers can point you in the right direction.

For those that don't know concentrix is a company employed by HMRC. You get a letter giving you 14 days to provide a list of about 10 things. In today's paperless billing society it's damn hard work. You have to provide all bank statements for the financial year for a start. If there is anything they suspect is suspicious they suspend payments whilst it's sorted.mthat can be as simple as not changing name on utility bill - even though you can prove you pay it and get no other opi come through the bank statements. They really are 'guilty' until you prove your innocence.

Basicbrown · 26/08/2016 06:58

OP yanbu at all, anger is part of grief and what happened sounds really unfair and wrong.

Very sorry about your ds's dad's death.

JudyCoolibar · 26/08/2016 08:34

The way the tax credit/benefit system is run is really shitty - I strongly suspect that they are incentivised to find excuses not to pay out. There are far too many reports of payments being stopped for ridiculous reasons only to be reinstated after several weeks without so much as an apology, and they close their eyes to the genuine tragedies that happen directly as a result. OP, I'm really sorry about what has happened. When you are able to deal with it, I would suggest you contact your MP about this, and also consider going to the Ombudsman.

harderandharder2breathe · 26/08/2016 08:55

I don't think anyone is looking to make excuses about your ex's death. I think people saying he should've come to you are being harsh because it's no use to anyone saying that now

Try to push your anger away, put it on hold. Focus on your son. You can be angry later.

NoahVale · 26/08/2016 08:58

it is natural you are looking for somethign to blame.

sorry to hear aobut your ex. I hope your ds is able to come to terms with his dad's death.

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