Aibu to wish my parents were more generous

(113 Posts)
Moomoomango Wed 24-Aug-16 20:05:09

My parents are very wealthy - retired - own 4 rental properties - including one that we live in (paying rent). I have no idea how much there net worth is but I would guesstimate between 1.5-2 million. They worked hard for it, benefited from investing in property at the right time and I have learnt greatly from them about work ethic and ambition. I admire them.

We are not in any debt - we live within our means, but as with most young families we struggle from time to time. With all the school uniform, shoes, swimming lessons etc we are running a little low and asked if we could pay the rent 3 days late, when our cash flow would be in a better position as I would have been paid. My dad was not very happy at all. I feel awkward and awful. I hate to ask for anything as the response is usually very negative.

My parents will often say how they have so much money they can never spend it all, but will happily sit and listen to me concerned over how I'm going to afford school shoes or my new glasses. I try not to say anything now and keep very quiet about my financial situation.
Aibu to think it would be nice for my parents to be more generous? To be ok with the rent 3 days late (they don't rely on it at all the money just accumulates) or to offer a tenner to help with kids shoes?

They are incredibly tight - often birthday and Christmas presents for the kids are from charity shops.

I don't want to sound like I think they should give me money because I know full well it's there money and I'm a grown woman who can stand on my own feet. I care for my disabled partner and work part time. So we are not exactly high earners!

MatildaTheCat Wed 24-Aug-16 20:09:29

Maybe they don't like your life choices. Not saying that's right but they do sound as if they don't want to support your lifestyle.

Are they cash rich or is it all tied up in property? Many older people are aware that their assets may have to last a very long time and fund their own old age and possible care so can't just give a lot away.

I suppose you could ask outright but I suspect you won't like the answer.

myownprivateidaho Wed 24-Aug-16 20:09:59

YANBU, that's really weird.

3amEternal Wed 24-Aug-16 20:12:00

They do sound tight are they like that generally- ie don't spend money on themselves either?. My mum hasn't 2 ha'pennies to rub together but would give us her last penny. Do you get a discount on the rent? If not I'd consider moving out and letting someone else fund their pensions.

GuybrushThreepwoodMightyPirate Wed 24-Aug-16 20:13:32

Unless you have a history of asking them to bail you out Yanbu at all. I cannot imagine not wanting to help my children out. I know the MN mantra is that nobody has any obligation to help anyone else at all, ever, but I think this is pretty shitty parenting tbh.

Moomoomango Wed 24-Aug-16 20:13:34

They have a lot of cash spare. But perhaps you are right perhaps they don't agree with my life. When my second son was born my brothers baby was born 10 weeks later... We never received a gift until they had already purchased something for over £150 for their son. Then I was offered some help with nappies. My brother is again very wealthy I am not!

3amEternal Wed 24-Aug-16 20:13:50

are they cash rich?

Well of course they are if they're taking full rent on 4 properties.

Moomoomango Wed 24-Aug-16 20:16:56

We never ask for money or help - because we asked once for £250 when we first moved in and had a new baby as we were up against it - and was met with really disgruntled response. We've never asked since. My mother in law will help us out here and there buying clothes for the kids, brought baby cot etc and she is not anywhere near as wealthy as my parents.

And yes they are generally tight - always reduced food - charity shops - stuff on sale etc.

3amEternal Wed 24-Aug-16 20:18:45

Do you pay them full rent?

EastMidsMummy Wed 24-Aug-16 20:18:48

Wow. What a nasty pair.

GoldFishFingerz Wed 24-Aug-16 20:19:03

Seems a bit mean, try could at least get something new for xmas or buy the odd pair of school shoes. Saying that, we have never had any support from parents and I actually feel quite proud of that

DeadGood Wed 24-Aug-16 20:19:21

YANBU, bit pathetic of them. Wonder if they plan to leave anything to you and consider themselves therefore above reproach?

Things aren't the way they used to be regarding inheritance. You can't save up your whole life, then leave money to your kids and think "job done". Parents who can offer their adult children help should do so while the money has the power to change their lives for the better.

My friend works in a very ethical bit low-paid field. She has a very rich father who refuses to give her anything to help her now, but says she will get it when he dies. Problem is, she is already 40 and has put off having children because she can't afford it. By the time he is gone, it will be too late.

Friend of course has made her own choices and her dad is perfectly free not to give her a penny. But she resents him for being in a position to help, and refusing to. He thinks "it will all work out in the end" so his conscience is clear. But it doesn't work that way.

PippaFawcett Wed 24-Aug-16 20:21:37

YANBU. My DF is exactly the same, I wouldn't ask him for anything.

Moomoomango Wed 24-Aug-16 20:25:56

That's interesting deadgood - sounds like something similar . I assume it will be left to me and my brother but we could really do with some help now - nothing major, as I say we try to live within our means but just slipping an odd tenner would be so appreciated.

When I mentioned school shoes costing a bomb my mum said "we can get them school shoes as birthday presents"
I declined- I don't want my kids having school shoes for birthdays.

Yes, we pay full rent - it's a nice flat and I couldn't give it up as its ground floor and perfect for my disabled partner.

Candlefairy101 Wed 24-Aug-16 20:27:22

My parents are the most generous people I have ever met, they gain so much love from us for this. It's not that we take any money it's just that we know if we needed it they will find it. On the other hand! My father in law is the tightest bastard going and again it's not even about the money it's the principle. My husband is completely embarrassed my his dad since he's known our family and seen the other side of family life. Growing up he knew know different but since meeting us he can't stand him. Again it has nothing to do with the money side, it's the tight arse that can't do nothing for no one unless they get something in return.

OldJoseph Wed 24-Aug-16 20:29:06

They do sound pretty mean.
Do they consider themselves to be helping you out already by renting you the house? Is it at market rates?
Since you have a wealthy brother perhaps they're not impressed with your choices re: careers and family and are showing you this by being awkward about money. Do they think he's great for the choices he's made?
I can't help feeling that my parents are more impressed by my sister having a profession (and aiming for it from a young age) than me. Still, I wasn't as good at the school stuff as dsis and I had very little confidence to go for a job requiring a degree and further training.

3amEternal Wed 24-Aug-16 20:29:50

I can't get over that they charge their daughter who is a carer for a disabled husband and their children full rent! If it were me in that position I'd gladly let my daughter live there rent free.

TealGiraffe Wed 24-Aug-16 20:30:26

Yanbu but thats probably how they have so much money!

My parents are comfortable and help me out when i need them. Not massive amounts, but just a little helping hand here and there, eg my washer died so i asked could i take my washing to theirs for a couple of weeks until i got paid and could buy one. 3 days later, new washer delivered. I cried.

I cant imagine not helping family out when they need it, or not getting help when i need it. I'm sorry they treat you like that. It's not as if you want to fritter money away on champagne and truffles!

Its a shame but probably easier just to think 'right we are on our own' and never expect anything from them. Its shit but at least you know where you stand. And can be proud of what you do have as you've done it on your own.

OldJoseph Wed 24-Aug-16 20:31:19

Also dsis has married a professional type who they always seek advice from (even when not his area of expertise).

TealGiraffe Wed 24-Aug-16 20:32:03

Just thought my post made it sound like i thought a washer was a cheap little item. I appreciate £200 is a lot of money. I just meant they aren't in a position to offer thousands for house deposits etc but help when they can

Moomoomango Wed 24-Aug-16 20:32:10

Yes, they are very proud of my brother - he is the apple of there eye - very good university - 1st class - job in the city - again I have no idea of his wealth but I do know he put down over a million in cash on his house. But he is humble - down to earth and not tight like them ( I'd never ask him for money but I see he buys nice things and spends out where he sees fit)

MitzyLeFrouf Wed 24-Aug-16 20:32:52

It's not as though you're living a life of leisure. You work, you're bringing up children and you're carer for your disabled partner.

Your parents sound like a pair of miserable fucks.

TealGiraffe Wed 24-Aug-16 20:33:58

Just seen they charge you full rent?! shock christ they are a pair of tightarses...

GeneralBobbit Wed 24-Aug-16 20:35:13

I think it would make sense to ask why they favour your brother over you when it happens.

Ask why they bought him a more expensive baby present.

ThatsWotSheSaid Wed 24-Aug-16 20:35:45

Maybe they are planning to give you the flat? My dad and his partner did something similar for my step sister who has some medical issues. Either way it seems odd not to want to help out every now and then. I know my parents would if we needed it and my PIL have been incredibly generous over the years. Part of the joy of having money really isn't it spending it on the people you love.

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