Ok, I'm finally ready to take on board opinions on this without collapsing in a tearful heap. My situation is this.
Two and a half years ago, my only child ( who has high functioning autism and adhd) had just started a course to help with self confidence and employability, was walking to fetch lunch with another pupil -a great first for him - when he was knocked over whilst crossing the road. Critically injured, air ambulance and put into roadside coma etc. Not sure if he'd live. Long story, but upshot was 14 weeks of hospital and rehabilitation. He has been left with a severe brain injury.
He can do personal care but his memory and processing have been affected and his social anxiety is worse than ever. He has also developed a rare sleep disorder. I am heartbroken for him. He receives DLA and Support group ESA. He spends all day every day in the house unless I make him go out somewhere with me. He says he is happy but I think he's lonely. His father isn't interested, we divorced years ago. So we are mostly alone and are very close.
Now to my question. At work today, a colleague said I should get over my sadness, that I should grateful he's alive and I should get on with my own life. I do work part time, try to get out once a month and am trying online dating but I can't shake the sadness for my boy and worry about the long term. I was hurt by what was said but wondered if she was being unreasonable for thinking that way or am I and should I try harder to snap out of it.
PS. I've had counselling and am on antidepressants. Thanks in advance for any opinions.
AIBU?
I really need to know AIBU for still being sad
Stressedoldmom · 24/08/2016 18:41
I was so furious on your behalf. How dare someone say that to you?! You have every right to be sad and angry and in fact, anything you like. Do you have any support in real life? 
my heart goes out to you and your precious boy.
I think she was wrong.
Unless this saddness is impacting everyday living and taking over your every thought X
My god father was knocked down at 48, never walked or talked again. He past away 15 years ago. I still feel sad when I think of him, that his final years were stolen from him.
But in your case you are having to live with it and the consequences everyday. For me it's my past and I still get sad. I can't imagine what it's like to be facing an unknown future.
I think being sad is fine. But there is always a line where feelings become controlling. It depends on which side of the line you are on.
for you and your ds though.
YANBU at all. I'm quite angry on your behalf actually.
You sound like a wonderful mum. Sending you big, unmumsnetty hugs
There is a quote my DP read out to me about grief that I thought of when I read your post:
"Moving on, as a concept, is for stupid people, because any sensible person knows grief is a long-term project. I refuse to rush. The pain that is thrust upon us let no man slow or speed or fix"
You are allowed your pain and sadness and no-one can rush you. You have your lovely boy but I imagine there is so much to process and to adapt to.
I have a dc who has a disability far less severe than your ds's. I've lived with it a long time, as have they.
I still feel terribly sad at times when I notice things that they are restricted in, or simply cannot do - and my dc can do a lot including horse riding which terrifies me at times, I have to look the other way and go la la la to myself until the danger's over.
You have every right to be sad about the life that your ds might have had, and about his disabilities too. Your friend needs to get an empathy transplant.
Luckily, the closest I've ever come to someone trying to brush it off was my DM and that was because she just didn't understand - now she does. If anyone ever told me to get over it, I'd probably rip their head off (OK, slight exaggeration, but you get what I mean!)
The next time your supposed friend says anything, be very firm and tell her she has no idea what yours and ds's lives are like, and you'd like her to keep her opinions to herself. If she carries in after that, maybe she's not such a friend after all.
for you.
I just saw your update. Your other colleagues probably didn't think the same as her, they probably felt sad for you.
I think it helps a lot to talk about it and even if you go over the same thing it's helping you to process what has happened. That particularl colleague sounds spectacularly unempathic though, so I wouldn't trust her with my feelings if I were you.
I am reminded of this quote "Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried."
There is no time line for grief and there is no such thing as "getting over it".
Thinking of you.
What a sad situation and what a great mother you are.
The comments from your colleague, please think about how they were intended, malicious, thoughtless or well meant?
To me the intent always matters.
Omfg some people just get dealt so much shit don't they. That post made my cry. I want to say something really comforting and meaningful but I'm clueless as to what to say. I read years ago when ds was diagnosed with aspergers that sometimes as a parent you go through a grieving process because that child is not the child you thought you'd be having. And that kind of made a lot of sense to me. Was your colleague trying to be cruel to be kind ( I'm clutching at straws here and not for one min defending ) sorry if you said this but have you had counselling op ? You may be suffering some kind of ptsd. After all that was an awful awful thing to have to go through. I really hope life gets better for you
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Grief moves at its own pace, as others have said. If you tried to rush it and "get over your sadness" those emotions would need to go somewhere and undoubtedly would appear elsewhere in unhealthy patterns or depression. As others have said, your sons life-changing accident is a huge event to deal with and will take time to get used to. I really recommend Viktor Frankl's book "Man's Search for Meaning"; it was so so helpful for me in dealing with grief.
Your colleague needs to realise that sadness can co exist with a range of other emotions. Of course you are sad, it's a sad situation and you need to be able to say so when you a reminded by a song or whatever. Maybe she needs to be reassured that you do have happy feelings as well but like a bereavement, this isn't ever going to go away or be ok.
I hope your ds does find more friends and activities, would any kind of shared living with support ever be a possibility? I'm sure you are very well versed in what is available and often it's not much.
Best wishes.
YANBU colleague is an idiot - ignore her - keep on looking after your son
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