AIBU regarding DH's lack of boundaries with DD

(406 Posts)
Livid66 Tue 23-Aug-16 23:11:56

I have name changed because I'm so ashamed that this is my DH I'm talking about. My DC is 12 years old and she shares a room with our 10 year old DD. As you would expect, DD1 is becoming more self conscious over the changes in her body and I have now started to knock on their bedroom door before entering, especially at night or in the mornings when they're likely to be changing. DD mentioned to me two days ago that she feels uncomfortable because DH just barges in without knocking. So, around the dinner table that day, DD asked her father to knock first in future. He half- heartedly agreed to do it.
This evening, DD1 came into my room upset because DH had once again barged in and she was changing into her bedclothes at the time. When DH joined us, he explained that he had gone in to say goodnight to the girls as he will be starting a job tomorrow in another city and won't see her until Friday. He said he expected her to have changed clothes by then. When she reiterated her discomfort he was completely dismissive of her feelings, stating that it wasn't as if she was naked. She became more upset because she had expected an apology but instead had her feelings completely dismissed. Although I tried, he would not accept that she needs privacy but also that he was insensitive to her feelings. He went as far to say that he has no interest in empathising with children's feelings as it is not important. He feels that she should accept his right to go in without knocking. It disturbs me that I am married to an otherwise very intelligent man with who is also so fucking ignorant. How can I convince him that he's hurting our DD? I have no suspicions of any sexual intent btw. His attitude is similar in other contexts concerning our DC.

MaudlinNamechange Tue 23-Aug-16 23:13:37

He probably needs to hear it from someone else, i.e., a man. you are a mere woman and the dds mere children and none of you count.

buckingfrolicks Tue 23-Aug-16 23:16:35

his right to go in without knocking? No interested in empathising with a child's feelings? Jesus wept.

Would he respect the feelings of a woman? I do think he needs to be helped to explore the fact that his DD is becoming a woman and needs privacy.

AnyFucker Tue 23-Aug-16 23:16:36

Ugh

He Who Must Be Obeyed

Those dinosaurs should have died out some time in the 1950's. This kind of entitled male behaviour is a very poor example to your children.

DixieWishbone Tue 23-Aug-16 23:17:08

Could you make the point to your DH that it's important for your DD to have clear boundaries now, just as she did when a toddler, so that she knows what is polite and considerate behavior. He wouldn't want her barging in on flatmates and room mates when she is older, the best way to teach her that is to not barge in on her now.

I would have thought things would go a lot smoother through the teenage years if you can show your DD that you treat her like an adult when you can. Giving her privacy when changing is one of those times.

Does your DH like gadgets? Maybe he could install a doorbell on your DDs' room so he could ring it before going in. That would certainly help him remember.

Livid66 Tue 23-Aug-16 23:17:09

Thanks for your response. Yes, I was thinking that. In fact, I did suggest that he raise the issue with a male friend to see their views. But FFS, he really shouldn't have to!

Livid66 Tue 23-Aug-16 23:19:35

It's his patriarchal attitude that seriously pisses me off but its impenetrable.

quicklydecides Tue 23-Aug-16 23:19:58

Put a lock on your daughter's door and give her full permission to use it.
Do it in front of your dick head of a husband.

IwannaSnorlax Tue 23-Aug-16 23:22:41

I'd also put a lock on her door.

Magicpaintbrush Tue 23-Aug-16 23:23:47

What about a wedge/doorstop she can put under the door so if he tries to barge in the door will only open a few cm and she will have some warning?

AnyFucker Tue 23-Aug-16 23:23:53

Why do you tolerate it if you are clear it will never get better ? I predict some stormy years ahead as your girls start to assert themselves.

I imagine he will try to quash that in his "Do as I say" way. Good luck with being stuck in the middle of that for the next decade or so.

Alternatively, show your girls that men are not higher beings and tell him to fuck right off

Livid66 Tue 23-Aug-16 23:25:20

He'd react in the same ignorant way - remember , he believes he has a right to enter unimpeded.

PovertyPain Tue 23-Aug-16 23:25:40

Up, definitely a lock on the door. He's an ignorant fucker.

AnyFucker Tue 23-Aug-16 23:26:17

Fancy having to put physical barriers between your children and their father

I don't imagine you were contemplating that on your wedding day. And yet that is the kind of man you married. You could change that though...nothing is forever.

WatchMeSoar Tue 23-Aug-16 23:27:19

Put a lock on her door and support her using it.
Yanbu

BarbarianMum Tue 23-Aug-16 23:27:47

Well he doesn't, does he. So fit a lock.

Livid66 Tue 23-Aug-16 23:28:28

AF, believe me, I've been close to that. I am very conscious of the model he presents to the DC.l in this regard. He also has many positives but I struggle to live with this part of him.

Truckingalong Tue 23-Aug-16 23:29:28

It would come to blows in my house if this was happening. Being TOLD that he was going to continue to behave in this manner towards his daughter would be met with a brick wall that was impossible for him to penetrate I'm afraid. Protecting my daughter over this kind of nonsense would come before anything. Probably not helpful in terms of tactics but it just wouldn't be up for debate.

APlaceOnTheCouch Tue 23-Aug-16 23:30:35

As part of a big family with shared bedrooms, we were taught to get changed in the bathroom.
If your DH refuses to listen to you on this, I'd encourage your DD to use the bathroom until he's on board. I wouldn't want her being upset by his pigheadedness.

AnyFucker Tue 23-Aug-16 23:31:50

As the teenage years advance this "part of him" will come very much to the fore

I suspect you will bear a lot of the brunt of it (oh joy....) but do not underestimate how much he will damage your daughter's ability to form good relationships in the future

DearMrDilkington Tue 23-Aug-16 23:31:51

I think he doesn't want to face the reality that his little girl is growing up. He really needs to respect her wishes. An idea could be get her a sign to put on her door when she doesn't wish to be disturbed. I get she shouldn't have to but I honestly think his probably having a hard time realizing she's no longer a little girl.

Truckingalong Tue 23-Aug-16 23:31:53

It's not just a seperate part of him though. It's a view that will permeate his whole outlook and approach.

Hidingtonothing Tue 23-Aug-16 23:32:05

Yy to a lock, I would fit it before he comes back on Friday so it's a done deal.

VoldysGoneMouldy Tue 23-Aug-16 23:32:18

Why are you with someone who, by his own admittance, doesn't give a shit about the emotional well being of your children?

MiddleClassProblem Tue 23-Aug-16 23:33:00

Get o e of your friends to barge in on him changing

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