To give up with my mother & does anyone else have bad/no relationship with their parents?

(15 Posts)
KateSpade Sun 21-Aug-16 18:31:02

My mother has had mental health problems as long as I can remember, I'm not actually sure what as she won't get help or counselling.

She's been abusive in the past, she blows up if you disagree with anything, genuinely isn't very nice, shouts & swears on a daily basis & storms off!

Today she was taking the Micky out of me in front of a relative, I walked away (no argument) she later said 'can we make friends please?' I said I was embarrassed of how she spoke, then proceeded to deny she'd even said anything, told me to get the fuck out of the house & fuck off.

This is hard to put out in the open, because I am embarrassed, but Aibu to give up, I'm tired of going through this & if it was my partner, I'd have got rid along time ago. I work around a lot of people who believe you should respect your parents whatever they do, however why should I bother any more when she doesn't deserve it?

Does anyone else have a bad relationship with their parents?

<hand hold>

Room101isWhereIUsedToLive Sun 21-Aug-16 18:40:14

I am very low contact with both of my parents. They are separated. I have issues with them both because of my mental health problems which they basically denied/dismissed when I was a teenager.
As they did, my mental health still has a huge impact on my day to day life now.
Also my mum had my half sister when I was nine and she, despite being a very difficult person has always been the favoured child.
My dad moved to new Zealand when I was nineteen with my step -mother.
He recently sent an email asking for my number, as his phone had gone haywire. Having not spoken to him since May, I have decided not to respond. If he actually cared, surely he would have had it written down somewhere?
In terms of day to day living, not having them in my life is better for me.

whateveryousay Sun 21-Aug-16 19:18:08

You are not alone 💐 I'm also very low contact with my parents. After spending 40years wishing they were different, I had therapy a couple of years ago, which I wish I'd had sooner. The peace I feel from accepting that nothing I will do will change them, is priceless. At a lovely stsge of wishing them no harm, but want nothing to do with them either.

HonkHonkNose Sun 21-Aug-16 19:28:05

Hand hold here.

Just recently gone nc with my dad, best thing I've done for a while. My childhood was abusive. Everything got brought to the surface after I had dd and I realised I had a bad upbringing. My mum isn't alive anymore unfortunately so it's just me, dp and dd. Life is so much better though.

Get some counselling if you can, it's helping me so much. It's not your fault, what's happening with your mum flowers

HubrisComicGhoul Sun 21-Aug-16 19:28:19

My mother is an alcoholic with mental health issues, who made my life a living hell until I went NC at 17. At 27 I finally responded to her attempts to contact me and I now speak to her 2 or 3 times a year and see her every 2 or 3 years. This is only manageable because she lives so far away and if she hadn't I wouldn't have ever responded to her.

I have no regrets and highly recommend no or limited contact for the sake of your mental health flowers

hungryhippo90 Sun 21-Aug-16 19:29:05

You are not alone, I am no contact with my mum, and very low contact with my father.
It took me a long time to come to terms with it, but I feel I have to tell you the truth. Once I'd gotten over the hurt, I am in a much better place.

For a long time I felt almost like an inferior person for not having any family, but you know, I actually feel much, much less stressed. I feel more confident, and actually it's wonderful not worrying about when the next barrage of abuse will come.

People do tend to believe in love and respect for elders, but these people usually haven't had to put up with dysfunctional elders who made them feel awful, often.

Good luck OP, whatever you choose to do.

honeyrider Sun 21-Aug-16 19:35:36

Sod people who are misguided into thinking you should respect your parents no matter what they do, they're not the ones living with your mother.

First and foremost you should have respect for yourself and that includes how you want to be treated by others, if you don't have respect for yourself then how do you expect others to respect you.

I've had nothing to do with my mother for a very long time, nearly 14 years and I have no intention of wasting any more time with her, my only regret is that I didn't cut her out of my life before I did. She did approach me a few years ago but was told to go away. She's out of my life and that's where she'll stay.

GastonsPomPomWrath Sun 21-Aug-16 19:40:22

Totally sympathise.

I've given up with mine too.

Haven't seen my dad since I was about 12. He's not a bum. He works, he has friends, he's not an addict or anything, he just couldn't be bothered with me after my parents separated. My mum <sigh> she's always been abusive towards me, she wasn't/isn't a good parent, she turned me out onto the street when I was 15. You'd think that I was a difficult teen from what she'd tell people but she's very manipulative like that. I was a good girl who did reasonably well at school but her relationship came before me.

People say that family is the most important thing and that you should forgive and forget. But i cannot love her after the way she treated me. I've tolerated her, we even got to a point where we were friendly but it never takes long for her true self to come out of hiding.

Haven't seen her in over a year. And I feel much better for it. My husband and I actually get on better because my mum isn't causing trouble and coming between us all the time.

It's not your problem OP, never forget that. Its not you, it's her flowers

allthecarbs Sun 21-Aug-16 19:41:16

I'm another with an alcoholic mother with MH problems.

I felt the same frustration and embarrassment as you but couldn't bring myself to go NC. Holding her at arms length was the best I could do.
Tbh it was a bit of a relief when she died. That sounds heartless and don't get me wrong it hurt more than you can imagine (still does) but not having to worry about her or cope with the constant drama was a weight off my shoulders.

One thing I will say is think very carefully about going nc as you can be left with a lot of regrets. Say what you want to say as you dint know when you'll get chance to again.

princessmi12 Sun 21-Aug-16 19:44:32

There is a whole thread in relationships ,dedicated to problems with mothers.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2704834-Can-we-have-a-thread-for-those-of-us-who-are-daughters-with-difficult-mothers
Please join

yeahyeahyeahmama Sun 21-Aug-16 19:47:59

My mother is a narcissist & dumped me because she cant control me now i have children of my own i cant jump at her every whim & be at her beck & call but i know it has worked out in my favour i am extremely hurt but life is A LOT less stressful so just working through this.

Kalopsia77 Sun 21-Aug-16 19:53:31

You're not alone! I've been totally NC with my parents for six months and its staying that way. Took me about 5 years in between starting to stand up for myself (I was properly terrified of them. In my 30s. With a home and family of my own!) and going fully NC after several warnings. Best thing I ever did smile It is the most amazing relief.

The most productive step in the process for me was setting really firm boundaries and sticking to my guns. Shouting = not acceptable. Snidey comments = not acceptable. Hitting/slapping/kicking = absolutely totally unacceptable. The last time she hit me I told her I would put her on her arse if she raised a hand to me again. As soon as the boundaries are crossed walk away, no arguments, no drama. NC isn't always the answer but holding them accountable for their behaviour is key. Like training a dog.

Good luck flowers

KateSpade Sun 21-Aug-16 19:56:55

Thanks for all the responses!

I currently live with my mum & dad because really honestly it makes my life easier, more money not many bills, lifts, babysitter, but I just want to get up & leave, walk away, start somewhere else, but I can't!

I can't think of a way to do it without living in a hostel! confused

allthecarbs Sun 21-Aug-16 20:02:28

You can't do it right now but you can aim your life towards it.
Make it your goal. It may even improve your relationship.

KateSpade Sun 21-Aug-16 21:44:55

Yeah, your exactly right carbs

Thank you all!

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