to be confused and think this is too soon?

(25 Posts)
glasshouses88 Sat 20-Aug-16 18:34:17

Been single for nearly a year,although exdp only moved out 4 months ago.
2 ds 1 and 5 yo. Left Ds1 dad after 6 years together because he pushed me against wall covered my mouth with his hand. Ds2 dad and I spilt after 3 years because repeated cheating and very unsupportive of me after another bout of PND which landed me in a mother and baby unit.
Wanted to be single for at least a few years to get over this. However I have met a man who works at my uni (I'm a mature student) who seems to have completely fallen for me. I have never had anyone be so lovely and kind and genuine. So in turn I have fallen for him.
This is not ideal as I am concerned about confusing my children. Exdp not happy.
Ds1 seems stressed just now, not wanting to leave my side. So iv had a conversation with new person that he can no longer spend time with Ds1 because I'm worried it's impacting him. However, Ds1 has asked for him to come round twice since this conversation and is currently watching a dvd with him at his request.
I'm confused. I don't trust my judgement. I feel I am doing something wrong. I'm still a bit poorly.
Just to clarify me and new dp are never touchy feely in front of ds. New dp plays with both ds when around so they are fans of his. New dp only met ds a couple weeks ago because he was helping me do paperwork and try and keep my house after Exdp left which caused me to become poorly again so it wasn't a deliberate thing.
I really am trying my very best because I'm so scared to hurt anyone
Thank you for taking time to read.

formerbabe Sat 20-Aug-16 18:37:52

How long have you been seeing this new man?

ModreB Sat 20-Aug-16 18:42:11

If your new DP is lovely, he will understand that being your friend, and DS's friend, for a while, is more important than being your DP for the moment.

In my experience, being friends with a DP as well as being attracted is the best place to be if you are wanting a longer term relationship.

glasshouses88 Sat 20-Aug-16 18:51:25

formerbabe 3 months
modreB new dp is very kind and repeatedly tells me he will do whatever I think is best and never pushes me to do anything. He is my best friend somehow, I don't understand how but he is. He does understand and would never want to stress anybody out.
I am very insecure, hence not trusting my own judgement, and because I feel ashamed that I have 2 by 2 (which is my own problem I would never pass judgement on anybody) I'm almost embarrassed that I have somebody else

JennyHolzersGhost Sat 20-Aug-16 18:54:11

Way too soon and you don't sound in any fit state to be starting a relationship. Tell him to back off. Spend some time alone. Give it at least six months. Then see how you feel.

glasshouses88 Sat 20-Aug-16 18:59:07

jenny I think your right, I certainly don't feel as though I can give my best. And I have a dissertation to write this year. But I feel as though I'm letting him down and of course there's the love I have for him. I am very confused

Lunar1 Sat 20-Aug-16 19:01:17

Just date him if he is happy with that. Go out once a week with him and don't bring him anywhere near your home or children. If he's not happy with that then you may have to let this one go.

Amelie10 Sat 20-Aug-16 19:04:02

Why have you introduced him to your ds after only 3 months. Poor boy is confused and stressed after having his dad, your second guy and now this guy in his life in such a short space.

formerbabe Sat 20-Aug-16 19:06:05

3 months is a very short amount of time...like Lunar1 said just date him and keep your home life and dc separate from your relationship with him.

Are you even ready to date though op? You sound unsure of yourself and your judgement.

Saladfox Sat 20-Aug-16 19:13:11

Gosh, what Jenny said, Waaay too soon, from your own POV and from your son's. Back right off and concentrate on getting fully well and your studies. It doesn't matter whether this new guy has 'fallen for you' or not, frankly - you and your child's emotional stability are far more important, and neither of you are in the right place four months after the departure of the most recent unreliable/unpleasant man in your life.

I would end things with him on the grounds that it is far too soon, and see if you can leave it that you'll get back in touch with him later on if you both feel similarly.

glasshouses88 Sat 20-Aug-16 19:37:23

Dp is gone now but I will be having another discussion with him when boys are in bed.
You are right and I am not in a fit state.
It hurts to read but of course I needed it.
Have known dp for a few years but obviously that means nothing to ds.
I defiantly don't trust my judgement as I'm not sure I know what a healthy relationship is

WrappedInABlankie Sat 20-Aug-16 19:39:28

different because I met DP online but it took 3 months just to get my number because as a single parent I was extremely cautious about who had my number and what it could lead to. You don't really know this man, he could be literally anyone and capable of anything. You've introduced him to your DS far to soon. IMO you need to separate your home life and dating life.

You need to give yourself appropriate time, you've jumped from one relationship to another. Call it off and give it a year or two and see how you feel

zentastictwo Sat 20-Aug-16 19:49:00

If he's decent he will wait if you ask to take it slowly for a while

JennyHolzersGhost Sat 20-Aug-16 19:54:15

Bollocks to letting him down. You're letting yourself down. And your DCs. Sorry if that sounds harsh but they need you to be emotionally available and you've had a lot to deal with. This is an unnecessary complication. Spend some time single. Focus on your DCs. It's not that bad, I promise wink

MusicMania Sat 20-Aug-16 19:57:04

The thing is all men who turn out to be abusive/cheats or whatever are lovely to start with otherwise no-one would ever fall for them. Considering you don't trust your own judgement I think you should heed the advice you're getting.
Children thrive in a stable, secure environment. Their home should be their sanctuary.
I know we can't pick and choose when people come into our lives but sometimes the timings not right and it sounds like you need to be on your own at the moment.

JennyHolzersGhost Sat 20-Aug-16 19:58:26

And please get him away from your kids even if they say they want to see him. It's way too soon for that. They need a stable home with you in charge and no additional characters passing though.

glasshouses88 Sat 20-Aug-16 20:10:53

I know I buggered up on this one. I would never (as I'm sure anyone wouldnt) want to confuse and stress out dc. Like I say I have known him for a few years but 3 months dating is far too soon. I've actually broken it off twice already because I had a niggle that it wasn't right and too soon only for it to come back around

MiscellaneousAssortment Sat 20-Aug-16 20:36:19

You need to be the adult here. And the parent. And it sounds like you don't have either of those heads on in this situation. Which to be honest, is worrying.

I get that you're fragile but you cannot just abdicate your role as an adult... An adult who can choose what happens to you and choose what happened to your children. You're the person who is making decisions for your family, by default if you aren't actually doing it, because no one else can do it for you.

Your OP reads as if you're somehow not in control of this situation. Disconnected. But you are in charge of who is in your home, and who your little boy sees:

"Ds1 seems stressed just now, not wanting to leave my side. So iv had a conversation with new person that he can no longer spend time with Ds1 because I'm worried it's impacting him. However, Ds1 has asked for him to come round twice since this conversation and is currently watching a dvd with him at his request"

Your little 5 yr old is not in charge of whether he spends time and builds a relationship with your very new boyfriend. Yet the way you explain it, he's the grown up who is making decisions and you're a passive and powerless observer just letting it happen.

A very young child just cannot make good decisions over who is in their life and who is good for them. Children are extremely vulnerable and they have no idea about relationships and all the grown up dynamics at play here.

For example, I know that my very clever boy would make extremely bad decisions about his father, because he's a little boy... His father is an abusive t*at who neglected DS horribly. But DS just knows he's the only one of his friends without a daddy and his heart breaks with longing. He has also said that if daddy can't be a 'real' daddy then I should find a new one to marry. I cannot imagine his pain should he be introduced to a new man who then just as quickly leaves again. So it's my job to make decisions very carefully. Not let DS decide!

He also would like to stay up until midnight, eat lollipops all day and spend the next month at CBeebies land, not mention not going back to school. Should I stand back and let him make these decisions?

Should he even think he's in control? That would scare the hell out of him, not make him happy by the way.

That's why your children need their mummy to be the grown up here. Especially the eldest actually, no matter how big he seems compared to your baby. In this situation he is more vulnerable than the 1 yr old. Your older DS can get his heart broken.

Take responsibility in protecting your DC and in influencing your new boyfriends behaviour.

I think you need a lot more work on your health until you can enter this type of situation and maintain a sense of responsibility and accountability.

Cheby Sat 20-Aug-16 20:42:33

So your ex left 4 months ago, you've been seeing new guy for 3 months, in that time you've broken it off twice, you've already introduced him to your kids and your ex knows about the relationship?

Yes, definitely too much too soon.

It's absolutely fine to start dating someone, but why tell your ex and introduce him to your kids? Especially if you're not sure about the relationship? It's really unfair on them.

Slow it right down, date the guy if you want to but keep your early relationship(s) out of your home and away from your children.

Your efforts need to be focused on making your ds feel secure.

glasshouses88 Sat 20-Aug-16 21:29:41

miscellaneousassortment thank you so so much for spending the time to write that post...and thank you for writing to cbeebies/lollipop analogy because I defiantly needed to read that, of course I have to be in charge. I'm so bloody scared to make decisions I letting my 5yo make them for me which is ridiculous.
I am a good mother but like I said I have really buggered up here through my own insecurity and fear of being alone. It is absolutely not fair and I will make it right.
I feel like I want to apologise to dc for being stupid.

glasshouses88 Sat 20-Aug-16 22:41:46

Update
I have spoken with dp and made my feelings very clear. He will no longer see dc and I will no longer allow ds1 to make adult relationship decisions. Me and dp will date and see each other when I don't have dc. Thank god for mumsnet i needed a kick up the arse

WrappedInABlankie Sat 20-Aug-16 23:02:29

Well done op take things easy and be kind to yourself! flowers

Birdsgottafly Sat 20-Aug-16 23:33:30

You really need to work on your fear of 'being alone', that's opening up you and your children to all sorts of dangers.

Do you feel the need to regard him as a Patner, rather than what he is, a Boyfriend?

This may not apply to you, but the children that I've known who've asked for a relative stranger to be around, have picked up a need in the other Parwnt, or because their Parent is happier/nicer, when they're around.

This has all happened way too fast, for your children's mental wellbeing.

glasshouses88 Sun 21-Aug-16 07:51:45

wrappedinablankie thank you so much.
burdsgottafly although I don't want you to be, I think you might be right, ds1 is a handful, I absolutely adore and love him as I should and I constantly tell him this, but the last couple of weeks have been hard going and I have felt on several occasions that I'd rather be else where. Then when new dp comes along its like relief. So starting today I will.change my mindset. We live in Scotland so ds1 school is back tomorrow, we can get back into a routine. They have both been getting into my bed every night and what used to be an easy bed time is now stretched to over an hour of tears where I usually let them both fall asleep in my bed, so I have no alone time. This is tiring for an introvert and anyone else! So I really needed to read this thread x

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