To worry about not having children?

[vanillaelderberry]

I have just turned 36.

I am single.

I'm really starting to worry. I maybe have four years in which to meet someone and have children is that even likely? I remember when the last Olympics were on I was quite convinced I'd be married and settled by 2016 and instead here I am.

I'm really starting to worry it just won't happen at all and if it doesn't, how I'll reconcile myself. I know I will but I also know it will always be a source of sadness.

[RestlessTraveller]

You know you don't have to be in a relationship to have a child.

[vanillaelderberry]

Sperm donor? It's not for me ... I have thought about it, but I just think going through pregnancy alone, and raising the child alone would be difficult (and I'd struggle to afford it.)

[Helbelle75]

Don't worry. I was 38 when I met my dh and am now pregnant aged 41.
It's not ideal and I wish i'd met him earlier, but he is wonderful and I'm pleased I waited for 'the one'.
My plan was to adopt if I hadn't met anyone by the time I was 40. There's plenty of options. It feels like it will never happen, but it will.

[DanielCraigsUnderpants]

You could walk out of your door tomorrow and meet the right person and it could all fall into place. Or you could take action like the others have suggested. There are no guarantees in this world, even if you're with the right man but you know what you want and thats a positive thing in itself. Get yourself out there and enjoy each day.

[Iwasjustabouttosaythat]

I know it's not a guarantee but you could consider freezing some eggs.

I know lots of people who had children over 40. YANBU to be concerned but don't give up hope.

[vanillaelderberry]

Congratulations Hel, how did you meet? :)

[PaperdollCartoon]

It can definitely still happen. My best friend got with and married her husband in less two years, had baby 18 months later.

Are you taking action to find a partner or just waiting for someone to appear?

[vanillaelderberry]

Well, I'm not very good at the 'taking action' bit! I would like to take action but it just ends up backfiring.

[aurorie11]

I met my DH a few weeks before my 36th birthday. Married just over 2 yrs later, eldest born 11 months after that and youngest arrived 2 months after 41st birthday. Never thought it would happen, we had mutual friends but we weren't set up

[jellycat1]

I met dh at 36. Just turned 41 and am married with two boys aged 6mths and nearly 2. It can happen. In your situation I would probably give it a little longer before doing sperm donors etc if you're generally healthy. You know you can go for tests to see if you're reproductively healthy / fertile and I believe can judge from that how much longer you're likely to have for baby making. Also from when your mum went through menopause. I would have probably gone down that route (testing) at 37/38 had I not met dh.

[vanillaelderberry]

I definitely don't think sperm donation is for me; its not just paying for the treatment but I'd also struggle to raise a child on my salary :) I think if I want children I do need to meet somebody.

[mrswhiplington]

Don't give up hope! I had been on my own for a long time and then went to a works Christmas party that I was practically forced to go to (hated parties) and met my husband, I was 37. I worked with my now SIL, she brought him along. I had my DD 2 weeks after my 40th birthday. We got married just before my 41st. You can meet people when you least expect to. Good luck.

[vanillaelderberry]

I really, desperately hope something like that happens for me mrs !

I did sort of meet someone but he's not interested I don't think.

[jellycat1]

Oh sorry I missed your second post. No, sperm donor would not have been for me either - though I may possibly have entertained the notion of having a baby with a gay friend. Maaaybe....I'll never know whether id have actually gone through with it! Anyway, I wasn't desperate to be married or have kids, I just thought it would be lovely and it is, but I was pretty happy as I was. Don't panic. You have time. Do the testing of you want to know about fertility. I think it's pretty straightforward.

[Helbelle75]

His best friend met one of my friends online, so we met at a party they had. Completely unexpected as I thought I would know everyone there and no thought of meeting someone that night. He lived in London, me in lincoln so it seemed difficult from the start, but he was determined to make it work.
He moved up here April 2015, we bought a house together in the September, married in October. Couldn't be happier.
Just a chance meeting at a friend's party. Your turn will come.

[Helbelle75]

Oh, and I was very proactive. Want on lots of first dates through dating websites, didn't meet anyone I was remotely interested in. Wish I'd not wasted my time and just waited for the party!

[mrswhiplington]

Should have also said I used to go out with friends as much as possible even if it was just for drinks in the local pub. Never went with the expectation of meeting anyone, just to get out of the house. I had a great social life, even went on singles holidays and met some lovely people. Get out there and have fun.

[vanillaelderberry]

Well, you can. It does get a bit difficult in your thirties though as naturally your life changes a bit. I'm quite plain so I don't get much attention on dating websites and also I find most men are looking for younger women. I think my best chance is to meet somebody by accident, almost?

[formerbabe]

You have time but you don't have time to waste.

If u was in your position, I'd be internet dating and grabbing every night out and social opportunity I could.

[vanillaelderberry]

This is the heart of the problem, as internet dating really gets me nowhere and while I have a fairly good social life it doesn't really involve nights out if you see what I mean. I wish I'd been more proactive in my twenties.

[Helbelle75]

Do you have any hobbies? Join something you enjoy and you might find someone like minded.
I found internet dating frustrating. Most blokes just wanted a s**g or were properly stalkerish.

[vanillaelderberry]

Loads I think as a single person you have to be quite busy or can become quite introspective. But I don't meet people. I find they tend to be already coupled up!

[Hopelass]

I was 28 when I met now DH and DS was 4 weeks old on my 32nd birthday so 4 years is plenty of time. We didn't rush by any means either.

[vanillaelderberry]

No but you were 8 years younger than me

[juneau]

vanilla from what you've said it sounds like you want to meet someone, but you're just kind of hoping it will 'happen' randomly. It might, but if you make some effort its much more likely.

I have an attractive 39-year-old sister. She would like to meet someone, but she doesn't because she makes no effort. She has her friends (single women, couples), and she goes out (for dinner, to see a film), but she never meets anyone - and that really doesn't surprise me, because she isn't trying to meet men. She's just bumbling along, doing the same things she's always done, seeing the same friends, not meeting anyone new, and it sounds like that's what you're doing.

I think you need to get serious if you really want this to happen. There are no guarantees either way, but if you continue to do nothing and meet no one how do you think you'll feel 10 years from now? Internet dating doesn't work - fine - so do something else. Anything! Take up rock climbing, go on a car maintenance course, take an active holiday for singles, join a sailing club, start bell ringing, join a choir, join a running club - try some different things to get you out of your comfort zone and meet some new people - men, women, anyone - but you have to do something. Something different. You know what the definition of insanity is? To keep doing the same thing and expect a different result.