To feel fundamentally flawed? (Trigger warning)

[MissMellowMellons]

Hi. I don't often post but I am an avid reader.

I have always had a sense I'm different to most people. I feel fundamentally flawed and as I get older the feeling is becoming more intense. I have previously been told I am 'odd' or 'weird'.

Backstory. My childhood was overwhelmingly abusive. So much so I left home at 16. I have suffered numerous significant rejections and endured numerous traumatic events. Historically I have been diagnosed with ptsd but have never been offered any support for this. I also believe I am on the autistic spectrum as I be very socially inept and clam up in social situations. Also I don't think I have a speech/thought filter as I feel I sometimes say things others would just think. It also takes me time to process what someone says/ asks me so my response is slow ifkwim.

Throughout my life I have always been a glass half full kinda person and can usually flip most negative thoughts/experiences into more realist balanced ones (cbt based).

I am a graduate and have a professional status although I left work last year due to ill health. More recently I have had further major surgery.

I have a dh who I love very much. However he has his own issues which I try to support him on. I have asked him if I am 'odd' or 'weird' and he categorically says I'm not.

I have previously had counselling and they said 'there's nothing wrong with your personality' and said life had thrown me a bad hand.

I have some friends, some going back years. But I don't have a 'best' friend. You know, someone who would drop everything to help you if you were in a fix. I still feel I need parenting/mentoring and I'm in my bloody 50's now.

Everyday I tell myself, it will be a good day, I will be nice and smile, I won't say the wrong thing but I inadvertently do. Then I feel shameful and guilty.

I feel broken, damaged and beyond repair. Is this how I must feel for the rest of my life?

If you read so far, thank you!

[LewisAndClark]

I feel a bit like this. I have bpd amd bipolar. I feel like everyone else knows the rules and I don't. Bpd has a lot of links with ptsd.

I've done six months of specific therapy and have another year to go. It's really helping in lots of ways. I also take an antidepressant and a mood stabiliser, which levels me and helps with the extreme fluctuations of mood.

I can totally relate to feeling broken and flawed. I've never felt 'normal'.

[MissMellowMellons]

Thank you Lewis, it helps to know I'm not on my own. Bpd? Is this short for bi-poler ?

[MissMellowMellons]

Yes I also feel I don't know the rules too!

[RochelleGoyle]

Hi Miss. I haven't got any particular advice but I just wanted to say that I too had quite a traumatic time during childhood and spent years believing I was 'wrong'/different - largely because my abuser shoved the notion down my throat on a daily basis for years. To me, the personality features you describe don't automatically suggest spectrum, they suggest that you've had a hard time developing socially as your young psyche took such a battering. I was also terribly anxious and 'incapable' in social situations but it has gradually got better (I'm now 36). You mention that you haven't really received any help or support around your experiences - would you be adverse to looking into this? Really might be useful. Please try not to judge yourself so harshly. I'm sure you're not weird at all and anyway, why live your life for others? If you have a partner and friends and have held a professional role, I think it sounds like you're doing pretty well. Maybe work on liking yourself a bit more, then what others think might seen less important. x

[LewisAndClark]

Bpd= Borderline Personality Disorder. I also have Bipolar 2. I'm a hot mess

[MissMellowMellons]

Thank you Rochelle , I think your right. Everyday I do tell myself it's a fresh new day and to be kinder to myself. I will broach the ptsd subject again when I next visit gp. You never know I might get offered help. But I think if you're seen as 'functioning' (which I actually don't think I am, I'm just good at pretending) you won't meet the criteria.

[MissMellowMellons]

Oh Lewis, life must be difficult for you. Do you get plenty of support/understanding from your family & friends?

[blue2014]

It's really common for people who grew up with abuse to feel flawed, different or weird. I've never met one who actually is though and it's always a product of what abusers made you believe about yourself. I agree, go back and ask for help again and just tell them you don't think you are functioning. You deserve help.

[LewisAndClark]

I do! I also have a wonderful husband, and a supportive network of professionals and friends, mostly online friends tbf but I do have a couple of RL people. I'm fairly non functioning at the moment but I'm getting there.

[MissMellowMellons]

That's good Lewis. I am the same in that I supplement my friend pool via social media. If treated with respect sm is a very useful tool.

[MissMellowMellons]

Thank you Blue

Thank you everyone who has posted so far 💐🍓🍰🍫🍷🎁☕️

[Porpoises]

Feeling flawed and fundamentally different from others is a symtpom of ptsd. I hope you can get some counselling and support. Its a very ling journey to heal, but having a good therapist who you like an trust can make a huge difference.

[Porpoises]

Long not ling

[Albadross]

I have BPD and a bit of PTSD too and feel exactly like this. You're not alone

[ComedyWing]

There's nothing at all 'flawed' about you, OP (compared to what or who, anyway - some imaginary perfect person?) - it's fairly clear you have survived an awful lot, on an ongoing basis, quite apart from childhood abuse. Having to give up work recently because of a medical condition would be traumatising enough for many people, let alone on top of your other past traumas.

Another way of looking at your OP is in total admiration - you got dealt an appalling early hand, got yourself out of an abusive situation, put yourself through university, maintained a professional career, have a happy marriage, longterm friends etc etc.

I don't think the absence of a 'best friend' is remotely significant - a lot of NT people with non-abusive pasts don't have one. And I certainly share your longing for a parent-figure or mentor and I'm in my 40s - my parents weren't abusive, but they weren't at all competent in coping with the world, and one of the first things I learnt (I'd say by the age of five or six) was not to bother them with anything like being bullied, because they just couldn't cope, got all stressed and didn't act to help me, just wrung their hands and felt victimised.

However, I think you need to actively pursue therapy, if you feel it would benefit you.

[exWifebeginsat40]

borderline personality disorder here with complex PTSD. my childhood was hell. I have always felt different and have never really know who i am. I'm a recovering alcoholic and a lot of people in AA talk about feeling like this.

I'm sorry you're struggling. I get the overwhelming exhaustion at contemplating years and years of this. I try and hang on tight to the good things that happen instead of focusing entirely on the negative but it's hard.

talk to your GP. you shouldn't have to live with his feeling without any help.

[FairyDogMother11]

I struggle with BED and depression, I was abused when I was younger also. I don't really have any advice but I do resonate with your feelings of feeling different and not having a best friend. I struggle with maintaining friendships (I like being on my own a lot, so I almost find it uncomfortable having people around me. I am not particularly fond of big groups when socialising although I do try to deal with them better now) and opening up to people. I would say I have more friends now than when I was younger but I'm not really close to them. I have a DP who is wonderful but I even struggle with closeness with him, and we've been together for 3.5 years now.

[MissMellowMellons]

Comedy yours was such a kind response and empathic response. Yes some friends have told me they deeply admire my achievements over the years in spite of my early years/early adulthood.

Thank you all for sharing your own experiences. It honestly does help!

As well as feeling fundamentally flawed, I feel 'unloveable'. But like some of you have said, rightly so. I need to start loving and valuing myself if I could only work out how to do that effectively.

[Porpoises]

Im working on that too. I try to take small steps and be gentle with myself. I imagine how a great parent would treat their child, and try to give the same to myself.

[Chipsahoy]

I can relate. Just today I told my therapist that I finally realise that I can't undo what was and I can't let go. Instead I have to integrate my past with now and just be who I am, with all the PTSD stuff. Embrace the symptoms as part of me and as survival. It's liberating. I am different from others and thats ok.

Would you consider more therapy? The feeling unlovelable and shame is something that can be worked through. You have been through hell and achieved more than those who have not. You are awesome and if that makes you different than others, maybe that's ok?

You have survived. You and your body. You did it. No one else. You are a warrior. Honour your survival and honour who you are. Fuck everyone else..if they think you are odd, be proud of being different. Cos the world is full of bad, broken people. Maybe they are flawed and broken cos they cannot see the world like we can, they can't admit what is going on all around them..
Im projecting here, I guess and for that I apologise. If any of this helps, take it, dump what does not.

Just know you are worthy. You are a warrior. And you deserve peace.

Love and light.

[MissMellowMellons]

Thank you Chips you have been very generous in what you have written. I totally agree about integrating my flaws and accepting how damaged I am. I am damaged, there isn't doubt about that, but damaged with very good intentions and a very warm heart. I need to not be so hard on myself just as Poise suggests. Thank you again 💐