to have asked MIL to unbook hotel?

(75 Posts)
foreverclockwatching Thu 18-Aug-16 22:43:13

Our first baby is due end of September. It is first grandchild for all involved too. A few weeks ago MIL announced she had booked two nights in a hotel for her and her DP to come and stay at 2 weeks after due date. DH and I were a bit hmm about this as she had not discussed this with us. We absolutely want her to come down fairly imminently after the birth (she is its grandmother afterall) but were concerned about the plan to stay two nights as she's not very good at picking up social cues and would be likely to stay from earlyish morning until fairly late at night. Her DP whilst a lovely man is very very dull and I don't know him that well so not sure how comfortable I will be if I am still trying to get the hang of BF. DH is worried that I may only literally just have had the baby when they arrive and we will still be trying to get to grips with things and have visitors for two days. I guess my question is are we being unreasonable to ask her to cancel the two night booking and come for 1 night to be booked when the baby actually comes i.e. one or two days after birth and then to come for a longer period and possibly stay with us when we are a bit more settled? Definitely don't want to upset her.

janethegirl2 Thu 18-Aug-16 22:46:57

I'm guessing she's got discounted rates for booking in advance, so neither of you ABU. However that sort of stuff would drive me nuts, as the baby may not yet have been born.

foreverclockwatching Thu 18-Aug-16 22:50:00

We don't think she's actually paid but only reserved a room! That's my worry that the bany might not even have turned up yet, or worse I might have just had a horrendous labour! I would just like a cushion of a day or so!

GipsyDanger Thu 18-Aug-16 22:51:18

You are not being unreasonable. I was 1 week 2 days overdue, so potentially you could have a week old baby when they arrive. My ds would cluster feed for hours at a time to build up supply. You do not need all day visitors when all that's going down. I ended up in hospital for 3 days and visiting times were 11am and 3pm, we continued this when we got home, folks would visit for an hour or so. You will never get that time back, use it wisely

Banana99 Thu 18-Aug-16 22:53:28

I was 16 days overdue - didn't get home until 17 (and they wanted me to stay longer)
She could be wasting her money

I think you just need to be very strict with visiting times, I used to be fine and then tiredness would overwhelm me. People visited us and that was fine but they can't hang around for ages as you might not be up to it, especially if they aren't good company.

Would they be useful and go and do errands for you? Just they might be at a loose end for that long, it keeps them busy and away.

GipsyDanger Thu 18-Aug-16 22:53:29

In fact he cluster fed for his first 3 weeks of life. Hardly anyone got cuddles cause he only wanted boob grin

Haffdonga Thu 18-Aug-16 22:58:02

It sounds that as she's booked a hotel (rather than announce she's coming to stay with you) that she's sensitive and well aware of social boundaries so wont overstep the mark. I think it would be quite rude and pfb of you to ask her not even to visit a hotel in your neighbourhood.

It would be fair to warn her though, that you won't be able to 'host' because obviously you dont know, yet, how the whole parenting thing will be going but you would be delighted for her to help out and perhaps run round with a hoover or cook a meal.

You never know, you may be grateful for the company. I was by the 2 week stage.

foreverclockwatching Thu 18-Aug-16 22:59:03

Sadly no to being useful! My parents live in the same town so don't want to be seeing as favouring them, but I know that they will be useful, bring food and leave!

Banana99 Thu 18-Aug-16 23:05:31

i think the visiting hours idea above is good!
Probably a waste of their time then, newborns are nice for a short hold but they won't get much more between feeds and sleeps.
Better to push them for a longer visit when baby is a few weeks/month old, esp when you can get out a little.

foreverclockwatching Thu 18-Aug-16 23:07:47

They have always had to stay in a hotel as until recently we have not had a spare room, I'm sure she is trying to be sensitive and do the right thing but from experience of what it was like when they came down and I had horrendous morning sickness (that was also booked without consultation)and they just stayed and stayed even though I kept having to go off and be sick. Consequently I am a bit nervous. As for the company, she's quite hard to talk to- tbh they both are, even DH struggles!

foreverclockwatching Thu 18-Aug-16 23:09:22

Yes banana that is what i was thinking 1 night initially to meet him her and then a longer visit after a couple of weeks or so, it will be more bearable for all if we could get out and do things!

Inertia Thu 18-Aug-16 23:13:42

You could approach it from the perspective of it being something of a wasted journey, as you might not have had the baby by then, or you might still be in hospital.

allofadaze Thu 18-Aug-16 23:18:45

I actually think she sounds like she's trying to be quite thoughtful - you hear about all these in-laws who want to come and stay at your house for 3 weeks the day after the birth, so at least she's chosen 2 weeks after (possibly not thinking baby could be up to 2 weeks late) AND a hotel...

I'd personally say let her make the booking, but just remind her that baby might only just have arrived at that point, so depending on how the birth went/how you and baby are feeling etc, you might not be up to having them all day, on both days.

Bit mean to say the husband's really dull too, not really relevant.

PigletJohn Thu 18-Aug-16 23:20:20

IME booking two nights, a few weeks in advance, can be at 50% discount or so, but there is no refund or change permitted.

In hotels that mostly fill up with business people, the discounts are usually Friday/Saturday/Sunday nights. And the opposite for places that are popular for short breaks.

MrEBear Thu 18-Aug-16 23:20:48

I think they are trying to be sensitive. They may well have other commitments (do they work and need to book time off). So having a room booked knowing that you will most likely have had baby.
It is only a couple of days that they will be around and you can seek of to your room to BF. And at least they aren't attempting to stay with you.

Don't be scared to ask them to help, even if it is the simple "I would offer you a tea, but I'm tired / sore / stuck, please help yourself and if you don't mind make me one too"

minijoeyjojo Thu 18-Aug-16 23:27:06

I think your plan sounds good, although it does depend on how far they have to travel - is it an OK distance for them to do twice in relatively quick succession?

Just point out that the baby might not even be born by then (mine wasn't - she didn't arrive till 15 days after my due date) so it's best to arrange when the baby is there. Plus say that you'll be exhausted from giving birth, having a baby that doesn't sleep etc so will probably only be able to manage an hour or so with company initially.

Definitely suggest a short initial visit fairly soon after the baby is born so they don't feel ostracised. The idea of a longer visit a few weeks in is good too - it'll give you time to figure it all out, especially the breastfeeding side of things.

I hated the idea of my PIL's visiting, but it was ok (my MIL even stayed for a week and a half to help confused). When they first visited though my DH and I agreed that he'd be in charge of ushering them out of the room and giving me some peace when I wanted it (to feed for example). I think we arranged a suitable hand signal or code word grin.

Fluffsnuts Thu 18-Aug-16 23:28:58

Breastfeeding is a great excuse for this sort of thing:

when you think he's being passed around too much, when they are getting on your nerves, when you are knackered and want 15 mins to yourself- "oh I think baby needs a feed" and you pick up baby and go in to your bedroom under the guise of not wanting to feed in front of people just yet. Newborns feed hourly or more for 20mins or so, so it is is a great excuse when any visitors come.

But YANBU.

Iggii Thu 18-Aug-16 23:44:12

Two nights allows for travelling time and having one full day. Unless they bother you in other ways this really doesn't seem like a problem. They aren't staying a week, they aren't staying with you, they haven't picked your due date.

Waterlemon Thu 18-Aug-16 23:52:40

Let them stay! There will be plenty of odd jobs to keep them busy, laundry, ironing, shopping errands etc. it's a very special time for all the family and not just the patents.

And like others have said, if you need a bit of timeout, take yourself off for a nap or bf. No one will expect a new mum to be running around after visitors.

Sunshineonacloudyday Fri 19-Aug-16 00:16:53

This is a tough one I would leave to dh to break the news to his mother I don't know what excuse you are going to use. Its only for 2 nights and she is probably excited. Does she have other commitments and how far is she travelling you have to remember she is not young anymore. You have to take into consideration that she is travelling. She is only coming to visit and she is not trying to control and dictate. By her giving you 2 weeks if you have the baby on time will give you the opportunity to settle down after giving birth. I didn't want visitors after 1 or 2 days after giving birth I was a grump.

You need to think about this properly before talking to your mil. She wants to come 2 weeks after fantastic woman.

Sunshineonacloudyday Fri 19-Aug-16 00:23:29

it will be more bearable for all if we could get out and do things!

What do you plan on doing with a new born in toe. Life changes when a new born comes along you have to plan around baby. You will not be in any routine you have to take each day as it comes in the first 6 weeks to 3 months. In the first 6 weeks my baby was crying for 3 hours every evening you can't plan a day until you know your baby and your prepared.

BorrowedHeart Fri 19-Aug-16 00:35:46

Sunshine I think thats a stupid thing to say, of course you can plan days out with a newborn they dont stop you leaving the house and if they are crying constantly then go home.

Sunshineonacloudyday Fri 19-Aug-16 00:56:42

I have had 4 children and that means 4 crying babies. Why go out to come home if the baby is going to cry why not relax at home with a take away with the ils. Make life easy for your self. I only meant in the first few months when mum and baby are getting to know each other. I couldn't even have a trip to the park without him kicking off. She could have a colicky baby, it could be the food you are consuming that makes baby irritable. The first few months is the hardest for any new parent. She may get PND all I am saying is take one day at a time. I have had 4 babies the first few months is tough sleepless nights, feeding on demand. It starts to get easier when baby is on solids at 6 months you will notice baby sleeping longer at night. Don't have no expectations then you will be fine.

Sunshineonacloudyday Fri 19-Aug-16 01:07:05

If you are going crazy at home there are mother and baby groups you can go to and you can share with other mothers and vice versa. If you are having trouble bf then someone can give you advice. Now is the time to meet other mothers. Life changes when babies are born. Enjoy your baby they are not little for long. I hope you have a safe birth.flowers

Braywatch Fri 19-Aug-16 03:08:32

Perhaps your DH could gently point out to them that they might be unlikely to see much of the baby, especially if you're overdue and/or have to stay in hospital for a few days, you may not be home yet when they visit. If they're still happy to come, then just agree beforehand that visits should be short and he should usher them out after an hour, 2 hours or whatever. It's completely understandable that they want to come and meet their grandchild but I'd feel exactly the same as you OP - I was 12 days overdue with DS and had to stay in an extra night. When we did get home, DS fed almost constantly and I was very sore, I would have felt that visitors travelling any distance would have not a wasted journey necessarily, but that they'd gone to a lot of trouble compared to the time they got to spend with the baby.

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