Having one more baby...(42 Posts)
I'm at the age where I kind of need to decide if I want a third child or to get rid of all the baby toys / clothes etc. We have two lovely boys (5 and 2) who sleep through the night, holidays and day trips are now feeling easier again (although long haul flights are probably another year off). Career wise I'm just getting back into my stride (work 3.5 a week) and my dh got a big promotion when I was on maternity leave with ds2 which has come with long hours and a lot of stress but he seems to enjoy in in a self-masochistic way! The kids are happy being left with my in laws for a weekend who love to have them. Financially we are in a better position than ever before but maternity leave did feel tight and another baby would set us back but would be manageable (combined income around 90k) We are selling our London flat and moving to the country I think (another thing I'm not sure we will regret). Also my dh has a hereditary heart defect (which resulted in his brother dying as a baby) so pregnancies are closely monitored and my second son had a very traumatic start which ended up with me being very anxious really for his first year and a half. It's a long story but he had an immature nervous system and was misdiagnosed as having a series of long and sustained seizures as a baby. So basically what I'm saying is it makes no sense at all in terms of our qualities of life to have another baby but I feel really sad when I think about not having one! What are your experiences of going from 2 to 3? Or sticking to 2? I need help!
I found going from 2 to 3 the most difficult tbh, but still very doable.
3 can be a funny mixture. You can't help but have a middle child. I've actually found having 4 to be easier than 3 and their relationships are better too.
You've given lots of very valid reasons not to. And only one reason to have one - because the thought of it makes you sad. How sad? What does your DH think?
From your post I'd say it sounds like you've made up your mind that you shouldn't have another. Agree that you should think about why it makes you sad. If it's because you like tiny babies that's probably not enough of a reason.
My dh feels the same way, some days he says 'yes let's just do it!' and other days we both think a very definite no. It really is a case of either going with head or heart, but the thought of another baby and lack of sleep is a bit terrifying. Interesting to read four is better for dynamics than three. My children currently play really well and are very close, there does seem little reason to mess with the situation we are in.
hownot I found 4 easier than 3 too!
OP, I think the bit that would worry me is the heart thing. If you have 2 healthy kids already, why gamble with a 3rd? That said, I can totally understand the desire to have another.
I'm not so interested in the little baby stage it's more just the adventure and excitement a new little person brings - but I am looking back with VERY rose tinted glasses.
Yes that is my big concern and also that my dh is vulnerable in that respect too. We were seen be St George's genetic team with my last pregnancy and it was a very worrying time. I think it's just coming to terms with calling it a day and bring grateful for how bloody lucky we have been.
Going from 2 to 3 was the hardest thing I've ever done
If I'd known, I probably wouldn't have tbh
I'm now pregnant with number 4 as everyone keeps telling me it resets the balance - fingers crossed!
@NoCapes from what people have said above you are doing the right thing! congrats!
Stick to 2. For your sake.
They are getting past the little ppl stage and soon you'll have time together. Big children cost ££££ I've got a 6ft+ teen who eats the fridge grew at a rate of knots & costs grown-up prices for everything, holidays clothes the lot.
Without knowing anything about them, I can't imagine your inlaws taking 3 DC for a weekend for you. Is that something you're willing to lose, bearing in mind that with the additional child, it's then more than ever that you'll feel like needing help or a break.
We bring in a similar income and have two boys. I also need to decide by Christmas - spring should I go one more time. But I think I'm going to stick with two.
I would love a little girl but I also love the dynamic of two little boys. They work really well together. Share a room. We have spare cash. Easy go out. Go on foreign holidays. I don't feel energetic enough for another pregnancy and c section recovery.
I was always 95% certain I just wanted 2 children but I did have a 'wobble' when the youngest was 2-3 years old and part of me was tempted by a third. Several years later I'm extremely glad I resisted the temptation!
If you have a desperate yearning for a third then go for it but if it's anything less than that I would try to ignore it!
Just me opinion obviously
I would love another baby
I really really do but I'm sticking with two.
I don't have the mental strength to have another one. These two love each other even though they fight. A 3rd could upset that balance.
They both sleep through the night, one is potty trained, each have their own bedroom, days out are easier and cheaper, uniforms in the future is one set less to buy...
For us going from 2 to 3 was easy. Youngest just sort of fitted into the routine.
No regrets, but their were no doubts we wanted a 3rd either.
Circumstances beyond my control meant I couldn't have the longed for second child but in hind sight it was for the best. You do get periods where you feel you'd really love another but eventually that passes. You've been lucky to have two wonderful little boys and can see a good future for your family. The extra stress of another child especially if it has a disability would change your plans entirely and place more stress on your already hard working DH.
Your DC are at a lovely age but may be more difficult in 10 or 12 years time when you'll perhaps wonder once in a while why you bothered at all!
Given an ideal scenario I think a lot of us would opt for at least 4 DC LOL
Watching with a lot of interest. Ours are almost the exact same age and we are at the same stage of relative calm and return to normality. DH and I are tentatively having 'that' discussion (all plans are off the table until at least after Christmas though).
I don't like the baby stage personally, but I come from a place where big families are very much the norm, even now, and two feels like it will be a little bit quiet as they get older. I sort of like the idea of 3 teens sitting around the table winding each other up but that's probably the same thing as saying 'I like the idea of a baby gurgling in its crib' before you ever have a baby!
The costs really do increase. Food, the stuff they want, day trips. My DH is around a lot as he works from home much of the time. Without his presence I could very easily go mad some days.
We're car shopping at the moment. No choice but to buy MPV. If we only had two kids we could get away with spending £3-5k less on the car to get an equivalent age and spec estate car.
Given your other concerns I would say not to.
Thanks everyone, interesting reading. Wobblywonderwoman my boys share a room too, sounds like we are living the same life! I think I needed to be told what (to be honest) I already know. In reality if I found out today that I was pregnant I think my first feeling would be fear rather than excitement and that's telling.
I will say that I've spoken to a few parents of 3 recently who feel that the youngest is a bit left out.
Halfstar I have a reoccurring image of three children thundering down the stairs (we don't even have stairs at present!) on Christmas morning. Completely aware it is pure fantasy, but it is for the future rather than for the baby stage that I guess the idea of three tempts me. Hadn't thought if bigger cars though!
I've 3, my experience is very much like Snowflakes but we both wanted 3. There's 2 years 4 months between 1&2 and 3 years 4 months between 2&3 - they're 11, 8 and 5 now - all at school .
I think you have to really think about all the permatations, we don't have a big car, the kids all have their own rooms but we had the house before dd3, we still have holidays away, I'm not sure what the future holds for them re university etc but having 2 would have resulted in the same limitations.
Just put the stuff in the loft and revisit it in a couple of years time. Then you'll feel less sad.
You sound like you have a lovely life. Why risk upsetting the balance?
I have three. I
mostly don't want to give one back, but it always feels as if there isn't quite enough "adult" to go round, if that makes sense.
There's always got to be a last one, and it's a sad feeling for a lot of us. There's no way of knowing now that you wouldn't still have that pang or sense of loss even if you were to have a third.
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