To be fed up?

(136 Posts)
Amy214 Wed 17-Aug-16 22:31:13

Every year me, dm and aunty make plans to go out for the day (all dc included) we do different things every year but we always have a picnic (depending on the weather) we always make an effort to invite SIL but in the 4/5 years that we started doing this she hasn't been once but her dc come with us.
Her dc spend every weekday at my house (8am-4pm) and sometimes they stay overnight at the weekend. Her eldest dd also goes to my aunties once a week (after she has spent the day at my house)
I have my own dd (2 years old and is a bit of a handful)
This year I don't want to take her dc if she isn't coming (i've had them for the full summer holidays) i'm fed up of having her dc every weekend and would love to have time so i can just focus on my dd. I don't mind them being here through the week, its hard to keep them entertained with so little on offer but i manage.
I have asked her twice if she is coming with us and both times she has said she doesn't know and will let me know soon (we are going on saturday)
So WIBU to tell her that i don't want her dc to come unless she makes the effort to actually come with us?

KC225 Thu 18-Aug-16 04:04:42

No. You are not being unreasonable. That is an awful lot of time at your house. How old are the children, how many? Are you providing childcare?

I think it's entirely appropriate for you to concentrate on your own DD. If you are fed up you need to say something. Give her some notice. How about, 'now DD is mobile and so active, I really need to all eyes on her, you know how two year olds are' Tell her unless she comes along you cannot look after her children as well as your DD. But something tells me she may approach the Aunty or your DM.

After the day out you can suggest the cousins can see each other every other weekend for a start off. You must be exhausted.

BillSykesDog Thu 18-Aug-16 04:24:03

Does she pay you for this? How many children? So you have her children all week days and all weekend nights and she just has them weekday nights and weekend days? That's too much, poor kids must feel fobbed off.

However, I don't think the picnic is the right event to make an issue out of this. It's a regular family event the children will have been looking forward to. It would be unfair on them to exclude them when it's not their fault, it's the mother who needs dealing with here, it's not fair to make them suffer.

Suck up the picnic. You need to deal with the bigger issue that you are doing too much childcare for her and she needs to make other arrangements. Presumably the weekend nights are so she can socialise? I would stop them immediately after the picnic for a start.

KoalaDownUnder Thu 18-Aug-16 04:51:41

YANBU. Astonished at the set-up, though; please tell me she pays you for childcare during the week!

davos Thu 18-Aug-16 06:37:49

Yanbu. My mum actually implemented a rule that if one of the parents isn't going on a family day out, their kids can't go. Because dbro and sil kept organising stuff then at last minute they couldn't make it so we ended up having to take their kids.

Mum and dad are getting on and not in the best health so I (or me and dh) ended up trying to look after four kids.

You need to put a stop to all this free childcare. You dorm enjoy it and it's too much.

Amy214 Thu 18-Aug-16 10:15:28

She pays for my petrol and £100pm (when the eldest goes back to nursery) i pay for all the food, entertainment etc..
Its 2 children (4 and 1)
Yes i watch them through the day (provide breakfast, lunch and snacks) she gives them there dinner and bath (sometimes) and they go to bed at 7pm. The weekend care is so she can socialise with her friends but that will be stopping immediately after this weekend (its not doing my relationships any good, i haven't seen my own friends for a long time)
My dm doesn't want them to come unless SIL is there as she doesn't want to watch them either, aunty is a bit annoyed that she might not be coming again.
I felt a bit selfish saying i wanted some time with dd on my own (her dad isn't around) i have tried suggesting that maybe we could split the childcare with SILs own dm but she won't entertain the idea.
Db isn't much help either he just nags me to do it because he can't be bothered arguing with SIL.

Lilaclily Thu 18-Aug-16 10:18:24

I'm confused , is there a brother in law ? Or is your sister a lone parent ?
Is she at work while you look after the children ?

LifeInJeneral Thu 18-Aug-16 10:26:37

Wow it sounds like you are being fully taken advantage of. You need to sit down and decide exactly what you are prepared to do and what you aren't prepared to do and think about how much you want for doing it. Once you have worked it all out (write it down so you don't get flustered) tell her in no uncertain terms that this is the agreement, she can either accept it or make other arrangements. You need to focus on you and your own life.

ElspethFlashman Thu 18-Aug-16 10:31:07

50 quid a week? For 40 hrs childcare? And an additional overnight every weekend?

You're being taken for a mug tbh.

This has to end now, no matter how badly your shitty brother gets.

ElspethFlashman Thu 18-Aug-16 10:32:29

Wait, no.....it's 25 quid a week, isn't it? shockshockshock

MonsterZinc Thu 18-Aug-16 10:32:33

That's £50 a week. Most nursery school charge that per day! And petrol..do you have to collect them? Is she working? And you certainly shouldn't be paying for their day trip! She is massively taking the p!

MonsterZinc Thu 18-Aug-16 10:33:30

Elspeth I just made the same mistake! grin

ElspethFlashman Thu 18-Aug-16 10:34:03

I mean, that's just shocking!

paddypants13 Thu 18-Aug-16 11:00:42

I am shocked that your sister takes advantage of you like this and that you let her.

I'm glad to hear you have put a stop to having her children on a weekend so she can socialise whilst her family bring up her children. She should be paying for all their food,drink and nappies any outings you make and paying you at least £50 a week. I would not bath them either.

Tell her you will not be taking her children to the picnic because you, your dm and your daunt are sick of being responsible for them all the time.

What's the worse that can happen? She flounces off and doesn't ask you to look after the kids anymore? It's win win for you.

Amy214 Thu 18-Aug-16 11:05:52

I have made them aware of how expensive a childminder would be if they went that route (they know it would cost over £800) but i was the alternative so they could save money. They have 2 wages coming in (but they can't afford to give me anymore money) i've asked for SIL to provide there lunches but she forgets. I've worked out all of my expenses before and tried to get them to increase it as im struggling but i don't think they care. I've stopped taking them for days out now and saved them for me and dd. Plus taking 3 children on 4 bus journeys was a nightmare.

She drops them off in the mornings and picks them up in the afternoon but at around 11.30am i have to take the eldest to nursery (10 miles away) i have to leave the youngest with my dm (they won't provide a car seat) i have to take my dd as she is at playgroup twice a week so i pick her up on the way. But they aren't paying for petrol because its the summer holidays.

I wouldn't mind looking after them through the week only if they increased the money they give me. I am not happy with weekends and i'm fed up of running away from my own house to escape them.

Lilaclily she has children with my db, i hardly speak to him, all the arrangements are made through her. She works part time and db works full time (both on decent wages) when i tell her no thats when db gets involved and nags.

MonsterZinc Thu 18-Aug-16 11:10:08

Woah she is part time? Why do you have them 8-4 then??
And summer holidays or not if you have to take her then they pay for petrol!

You need to put your foot down about this. Stand up for yourself and for your daughter who is missing out on time with her mum.

MiddleClassProblem Thu 18-Aug-16 11:14:27

This is awful. Ypu really need to just say you cannot afford to have them and you need some days free to look after your own daughter one to one. They are not your children so weekends and her days off they are not coming over unless they are there too as a family get together. Tell them you do t get to see your friends as you are babysitting for their social life.

At the end of the day if you don't answer the door they can't drop them off. It's shot if it has to come to that with family but they need to get a brain and some bloody empathy.

MiddleClassProblem Thu 18-Aug-16 11:14:55

Sorry, OP, I'm so angry in your behalf x

loona13 Thu 18-Aug-16 11:15:31

Oh dear...

Stop the services, concentrate on your own DC, live your life, be happy flowerswine tell useless DB to trott off to nearest childminder with the nagging

SheStoodInTheStorm Thu 18-Aug-16 11:18:54

Wow! It's nice to be nice and helpful but they are wholly taking advantage of you!
It's easy enough for strangers on the Internet to tell you to stop, but please do all you can to be strong about this and see it for what it is.

8angle Thu 18-Aug-16 11:21:23

Sorry OP you are not being occasional child care for these children - you are being their parent!

This is affecting your life and relationships with friends but worse than that it is disadvantaging your own daughter both financially and in terms of the amount of time / parenting you are able to dedicate to her.

Your brother and SIL have zero respect for you and can't even be bothered to parent their children jointly with you - i attend a family picnic with their own children.

I would say that this arrangement no longer works for you and you will not be having their children anymore - otherwise the resentment in your family will build to an unsustainable level.

MyKingdomForBrie Thu 18-Aug-16 11:25:01

I can't understand why you're doing this. Who cares if he nags just tell him he's a complete twat for using you like this. Absolutely refuse to have them any more.

Amy214 Thu 18-Aug-16 11:26:07

MonsterZinc her hours are 9am - 3pm. I don't understand why she drops them off so early her work is only 10 minutes away. She sometimes 'works' late but i don't believe it. I think she can't be bothered.

I'm going on holiday next week. I don't know what they have in place instead of me i don't care
They don't take days off (i had to beg her to take time off so i could take dd to her men b vaccine)
I have noticed my dd is lashing out a lot more (hitting, nipping) i think this is her way of telling me she isn't happy.

ImperialBlether Thu 18-Aug-16 11:27:46

You're being taken advantage of, OP. I'd tell her from now on you can't babysit her children at all. Does she ever mind yours for you? She and your brother sound greedy and selfish.

ImperialBlether Thu 18-Aug-16 11:30:13

Tell them it's not happening after you come back off holiday. £25 per week is ridiculous! You're not even making a penny out of that, with petrol and food etc coming out of it.

I can tell you don't like being tough with people, but they are being rock hard with you and using you. Stand up for yourself and your daughter.

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