To think I've lost my friend to the land of the baby bores?

[JackRussells]

Background: friend was a vibrant social butterfly (a butterfly partial to a wine or 3). She would judge our other friends for choosing to stay in with their OHs and never showed any interest in growing up. Still lived with parents, didn't pay bills, etc.

Then she met someone online, moved in with him within 3 weeks, got pregnant by the 6th week and now has a 1 year old.

The problem: she's incredibly dull. She's extremely judgemental of those who don't have children, posting on Facebook about how 'worthless' an existence it is and even how selfish people are for having abortions. (She escorted one of our lovely friends to have an abortion and couldn't have been more supportive, this friend is also on FB and has not spoken to her since).

Since she has been with her partner, she's been out with us once for a meal and she brought him with her. We planned our friend's 30th to accommodate her and she cancelled at the last minute, despite living 5 mins from the venue, because the babysitter cancelled and she doesn't leave the baby with her OH. (What's that about btw? Why have a baby with someone you don't trust to look after it?)

She only talks about babies/kids and only ever in a negatively comparative way to those without kids. For example: '😍 So lucky I get to stay in on Saturday nights with my baby instead of parading around like a tart in town', this usually comes after friends have posted a photo of them on a night out.

She only surrounds herself with other mummy friends and seems to dislike those without kids. I travel a lot with work and she often has negative things to say about me going away, telling me I'm ridiculous but also telling me I'm not ready to be a mother.

I miss who she was before she settled down. There is not one hint of that person anymore and she is now the person she used to hate. Will she ever come back? Is this it now?

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

This might be absolutely wrong, but ... you don't think there's something wrong, do you? It's just the way you describe her, she sounds awfully defensive, almost as if she's trying to persuade herself that she's thrilled to be entirely consumed by looking after her baby. I wonder if things really are that good.

I agree it sounds a bit worrying if she won't leave the baby with her OH. She also sounds very isolated from her old friends, especially if her OH is tagging along to everything.

She might be totally fine and I might be reading far too much into this. It's just what occurred to me when I read it over.

[LottieDoubtie]

Sounds like she's the same person she always was- judgemental, jealous of others and just not very nice.

It used to be people who stayed in/settled down she hated because she wanted to go out, now she's done a total u turn because her life has changed.

If she has a 1 year old that she doesn't trust the father to look after (but is prepared to leave with a babysitter) I would feel sorry for her and the shitty relationship she has saddled herself with.

[PurpleDaisies]

You haven't lost her to the land of the baby bores-she's turned into a total cow. People who go out on a Saturday night are tarts? People who don't have children have a worthless existence? Why on earth are you friends with her?

[UmbongoUnchained]

Sounds like she hasn't changed at all. Just her judgment has moved focus.

[puglife15]

She sounds like a dick. This is not standard baby bore material - she's a judgemental bitch both pre and post motherhood by the sounds of it, it's just maybe because you're not out on the piss with her it's more noticeable? I'd leave her to it.

[ImYourMama]

This is a case of 'grass is not always greener' and 'Facebook glaze'. I would say when she was single etc she was desperate for someone to settle down with, hence moving so fast with this guy. Now she sees her friends etc going out and she needs to justify to herself that staying in is ok, unfortunately she does this by passive aggressively posting on Facebook. I'd say she was jealous of the couples/mums when she was single and now she's jealous of other people enjoying themselves when she's tied down. Ignore her - she'll eventually stop or block her on Facebook

[Drbint]

You haven't lost her to the land of the baby bores-she's turned into a total cow.

This.

[glintwithpersperation]

Are you sure that's there's not something wrong with her relationship?

[mouldycheesefan]

Could she be in an abusive relationship?
Red flags being moving in and having kids immediately, can't leave baby with partner, gradual isolation from friends.

[GetAHaircutCarl]

She wasn't nice before DC, you just tolerated her nastiness more.

[Planty18]

Hmm, I personally think she is overcompensating and is probably trying to convince herself - and everyone else - that she is happy with her situation. If she doesn't leave her baby alone with their father and would book a babysitter instead that is a sign things aren't right really. Depending on how good a friend she is could you do something with her on her own in the day time and try to see how she really is? If this isn't the case and these statements are real, then I don't think she'll have many friends left. Sounds as though she's pushing people away and I would worry there is more to it given the speed all of this happened for her. I suppose how you deal with it depends on how much your friendship means to you.

[SkydivingFerret]

It sounds to me like she's trying to convince herself she's got a better life now

[DraeneiMage]

I actually feel sorry for her.

She's clearly completely overwhelmed by how much her life has changed and is handling it like a total arse. That kind of 'fake it til you make it' type thing where she's desperately trying to convince herself that babies aren't actually miserable and her life is as fabulous as everyone said it would be.

It reeks of jealousy to me as well, she sees everyone else going out and having fun and is lashing out by posting that drivel on fb.

Actually, I don't feel very sorry for her at all.

[ComedyWing]

She's very unlikely to be changed in her fundamentals from her judgemental, immature pre-child days - this is a total myth, IMO, I'm exactly the same calculating, not particularly nice careerist as I was before I had my son - you just found the what you are calling her 'social butterfly' side more personally palatable to you than her 'baby bore' persona.

[ComedyWing]

Sorry, hit 'post' too soon. Basically, she's the same as she ever was, small-minded and judgemental, but while she approved of you in her wine-bibbing past life, you've suddenly become someone she disapproves of now her priorities are different, and you don't like it.

[Felascloak]

I'm another one who would be concerned about her. Her DH can see her FB and maybe the posts are aimed at him (ie trying to show she's not "a tart" anymore, agreeing with his views on abortion). Maybe you could meet her during the day? And try to figure out if she is an idiot or if something else is going on?

[witchofzog]

She sounds like not a very nice person both pre and post baby. Not to mention a downright insensitive one. Only HER life choices are the right ones. She judges people who stay in and then she makes a 360 degree turn and judges those who go out? She is a thoroughly self absorbed madam who needs a bloody good shake.

[DoJo]

Judgy singleton turns into judgy parent - no real surprise there!

[DearMrDilkington]

I agree with dragon, something doesn't seem right.

[alphabook]

Sounds like she was always judgemental and narrow minded, it's just her views on what is acceptable behaviour has changed.

[quitecrunchy]

Agree with PP on potential signs that she may be in a controlling relationship, or at least is overcompensating due to not being as happy with her lot as she makes out. She does sound like she's being a right bitch though - can you talk to her about her behaviour and ask what's behind it?

[alphabook]

It doesn't sound like she's isolated in an abusive relationship to me if she has mummy friends she's spending time with?

[hels18]

It sounds as though she is desperately jealous of everyone else continuing with their old lives, and she is trying to convince herself that she is not missing out by posting negative rubbish online.

Perhaps she is having slight regrets about settling down so quickly, and genuinely misses her old life, but is putting on a front.

[DearMrDilkington]

Maybe she's only allowed certain 'types' of friends.

[WoburnSands]

There is one consistency here I'm picking up. She sounded emotionally immature pre having her baby and that immaturity has persisted afterwards. Her basic immature nature has remained the same as far as I can see - it just manifests itself slightly differently.